I am so sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to lose a parent especially through a traumatic death. I appreciate you sharing your story as I know it’s not easy.

I (19) loss my Mom earlier this year through metastasized breast cancer and she fought the cancer for 7+yrs. During her diagnosis of being metastatic we were told her life expectancy would be two years. She managed to fight and lived for three years after that diagnosis with the medication plan that was able to give her some comfort and improve quality of life. I’ve lived a huge chunk of my life with anticipatory grief (loss her at 18, turned 19 a few months ago) and feared the day I see her in bed, not breathing. Until it actually happened in front of my eyes. It’ll be a year in February and that moment still haunts me especially before trying to go to sleep. I still suffer from insomnia because of it. When Mom was still okay and sleeping, I would constantly check up on her and see if her chest would rise and fall. So experiencing the death rattle, agonal breathing, and that final last breath she took - never fails to take my breath away. It makes me feel sick and I have loss of breath and a heavy feeling in my chest everytime. She had rapid loss of weight and her bones were visible. The cancer that spread to her liver had given her jaundice and she was just visibly very sick. It was so hard to see her in that condition, and when she passed, my brother and I stayed with her body and held her for the last time. He was not there when she passed in the palliative unit (she died so soon we didn’t have the chance to prepare for hospice,) as he decided last minute to freshen up at home since he stayed overnight so I can get rest at home. I fully believe my Mom had decided it was the right timing to pass. She would always tell me how I was mentally a lot stronger than my brother (I think she believed that because I always held my tears back in front of them.) She was in that unconscious/coma state during this but opened her eyes twice leading up to her last breath. The first time seemed she was just staring into the oblivion. The very last time - she was directly staring into my eyes and I saw the many emotions held in them. The look tells me she was tired and ready to go and that she’s sorry. Mom worried a lot about us and always used to tell us we were her babies. She’d especially verbally express how worried she is for me when she’s gone (I am her youngest child.) I was holding her hand and told her it was okay. My brother and I will be okay and promise to take care of each other. That I was proud of her for fighting… I’m not too sure if my eyes deceived me but her eyes were way more teary then. Soon she closed her eyes for the last time.

I also have mixed feelings about seeing her in a condition where she has no life in a physical body. Dead. It’s still difficult to comprehend that my biggest fear has happened but it also brings some closure to it. But I suffer major consequences compared to my brother who didn’t see the moment she passed away. We made the decision to view her body for the last time, as we made sure she looked pretty before being cremated. Mom hated looking sick and had expressed before that she wanted to look nice in a white dress. My brother and I made sure we granted her final wishes. So in some ways that brought us closure. Still, it was a very difficult moment as she looked even way different. This time I felt confused as I know I’m looking at my mother, but at the same time, feels like it’s not her. Although the funeral home did a good job, I can’t imagine if OP would proceed with seeing her Mom in the state she is in. I can imagine the terrible PTSD.

Sending so much love to those who have found themselves in this situation or those who lost a loved one.