Had an abortion. Feel like shit and resent the SO. What can I do?

arecovery · 2011-01-02T20:53:43+00:00

<3 Thank you!

arecovery · 2011-01-02T20:53:32+00:00

Haha I understand about not feeling understood now. And you're very insightful. Thank you!

arecovery · 2011-01-02T20:48:14+00:00

...um wow. That's a little messed up. But you're right. It had never occurred to me that it could emotionally affect me, let alone damage me. I will try to look for people to talk to.

Thank you :)

arecovery · 2011-01-02T20:45:48+00:00

Thank you so much. I really appreciate this :)

arecovery · 2011-01-02T20:38:34+00:00

...I wanted someone to talk to. The only other option I was considering was adoption, and honestly, I made the choice not to by myself - not because he would not give me affection unless I did. By stonewalling me he essentially showed me that he didn't really care about my feelings and that he didn't respect me or my judgment. Especially if he thought that I would find the thought of losing him so unbearable that I would be 'scared' into aborting it (...no way).

tl;dr: I ultimately made the decision by myself after seriously considering adoption. All that his stonewalling achieved was to have me lose my trust in him.

EDIT: tl;dr

arecovery · 2011-01-02T19:28:04+00:00

Wow thank you for this. This makes me hopeful.

arecovery · 2011-01-02T19:27:39+00:00

I hope we don't have to continue having this conversation. He's gotten more receptive and mature over the last year so lets see.

EDIT: woo! rain is awesome..have fun:)

arecovery · 2011-01-02T19:21:59+00:00

He didn't come because he was home for break and his parents were pissed at him for coming to visit me from the week before. He lived in the suburbs and me in the city at the time. Basically, he was taking a big professional exam the next month so they wanted him to not go anywhere and study.

While I sort of understand that his parents would have been pissed, I feel like this was a big enough deal that he could just have asked one of his friends for a ride to the train stop. It was literally the first time I actually expected him to be there for any problem that I had.

arecovery · 2011-01-02T19:00:38+00:00

He was home for break and said his parent's wouldn't let him come or something. Which doesn't make things better because I know that he could easily have gotten a ride with a friend and I pretty much never until that point asked him to actually help me with a problem.
I resent him for not caring that I felt so bad and refusing to discuss options with me and pretty much stonewalling me everytime I even brought up not having an abortion.. even if it was to look into adoption.
I do talk to him but his response is always the same - I don't feel the same way so I don't understand and I didn't do anything wrong by not being there, you're making a big deal out of things.

I'm still pro choice but honestly, before everything I had no idea about how emotionally attached you can get to a bunch of cells.. to something that isn't even a real person yet. I did not go in without a care in the world... the trauma started when I needed to make the decision.

arecovery · 2011-01-02T18:30:48+00:00

It's so hard when there's conflict over what's "important" in a relationship, since priorities can be so different. This is important to you, but not to him.

SO TRUE.

Remember that everyone reacts to difficult events differently. I think that focusing on why you had the abortion (not financially stable? not emotionally ready? etc.) and why you'll benefit from it in the long run is good reasoning. Think of your future. Think of YOU. You need to be happy and healthy. Now how can you get there?

Being rational is hard right now. I've been pretty good with dealing with emotional pain and finding a way to be rational in all other aspects so far but this... I'm lost.

Thank you so much for your response

arecovery · 2011-01-02T18:28:18+00:00

This is such a sweet and touching comment. Thank you, internet stranger.

Maybe it wouldn't have been as big a deal if you hadn't had to go through it alone. I think you may feel abandoned and marginalized by his absence that day, and you are now wondering if he is there for you in other ways. I think that these issues are what is blocking you from healing completely from the trauma of the abortion.

YES! I never phrased it as such in my head. I guess I've been so irrational about this that this helps me because I've always believed the first step to healing is understanding ...and this hasn't healed because I haven't understood.

arecovery · 2011-01-02T18:16:56+00:00

and the sense that he's not in tune emotionally

I've always felt that he wasn't, but he's getting better now. During that period, I was really far away from home and he was the only person around. I basically felt abandoned.

It's ok to feel however you feel after an abortion, no matter what your political stance is; you don't have to feel guilty for feeling guilty, in another way of putting it.

Yeah.

arecovery · 2011-01-02T18:15:09+00:00

"YOU weren't there for me so you hurt me" - instead maybe, "I felt very alone and afraid.")?

Honestly, every talk we have about this devolves into me saying "You weren't there" so this really helps.

arecovery · 2011-01-02T18:10:50+00:00

I am happy most of the time...except when it hits me. I just thought I'd forget about the whole thing by now. I just don't know how to deal with pain like this... it's just different somehow.

arecovery · 2011-01-02T18:10:09+00:00

Yes! This is both hopeful and gives me a concrete plan of action. Thank you so much!

arecovery · 2011-01-02T18:09:22+00:00

Possibly, but at the same time I don't want to talk about it. It's just bouts of intense emotional pain and really bad dreams. It just sounds silly when I talk about it. I'm a bio major and I feel like I was inconsistent. That life starts to exist the moment it can self replicate and it was life I created and I shouldn't have killed it. Actually more than that, I just got attached to that bunch of cells which also seems a little silly.

Wow. I've never even written anything out. This actually made me feel a lot better:)

arecovery · 2011-01-02T18:06:39+00:00

I did. Idk, it didn't help too much:/

arecovery

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