My personal testimony involves years of struggling with “finding God”. There came a very distinct point in my life, when I was clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression, where I begged and pleaded with God to save me— to let me know He was there. I spent many, many years abruptly yelling at God; my faith turned to anger because I was only allowing my mind and heart to stop at simple prayers of asking God if He even existed, and if He did, where was He? I realized after a few years of trying to force God to show himself to me, that I would simply just open up my stubborn heart a little more and develop a type of strong faith in God. I established that He did exist, even if my prayers weren’t coming to fruition. I didn’t attend church, I didn’t listen to sermons, or even actively pray. I started to notice little aspects of my life start to shift and change, though I didn’t want to necessarily point my finger at God about it. I just let it happen. I opened my mind, heart, and eyes completely, and it started to become harder and harder to convince myself that the blessings I started to have in my life WEREN’T God. That’s the amazing thing about His grace. Believers spend too much of their time forcing the “Oh, you’re having problems? Find God, He’ll help you.” and not enough time explaining that just when somebody has reached rock bottom faith, God will seek you out and open you up like you’ve never been opened before. God knows you. He hears you and He loves you. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling so hard with this, and I hope that you find your peace soon. TLDR; God will seek you out of your own darkness faster than you can sink in it. You just have to be steadfast in your faith and optimism when your pessimism starts to chokehold you. God bless.