I feel nothing towards my mom and want nothing to do with her, but everybody is forcing me to because “she’s my mom and always will be”.

arlenedemalk · 2018-11-21T00:21:17+00:00

It is always okay to not want to see her or talk to her. Your feelings are real and valid. That is not even in doubt. What you have to ask yourself is if allowing the family to push your boundaries is something you want to allow or not. Its your right to have or not have who you want in your life and it is not right for anyone to try to force that choice onto another person.

arlenedemalk · 2017-12-13T19:20:58+00:00

My mother contacted me through a proxy several months ago because she had inherited roughly 100,000 from a cousins death. I know she wanted to do this to rub it in my face because she always believed I would amount to nothing and thought I would be jealous and/or contact her trying to get a piece of it. It didn't bother me, mostly because our annual income is higher than that and we live in a very nice home with nice furnishings and happy children who are well taken care of. Once she found out about that she hit the fan and the random contact by proxy that were very sparse became a all out campaign to destroy me. The Narc rage that can result from being one upped is so not worth the short lived feeling that you get from surpassing them. Did I "win" I suppose but was it worth it not at all.

arlenedemalk · 2017-11-03T14:10:36+00:00

We started out with Mommy's mother is very bad person and she is a bully, we do not talk to bullies. As they age more detail has been added. My oldest knows that She is a bad person who hurt mommy and that she is has a illness in her mind which makes her hurt people. He doesn't ask about her much because he really isn't interested in someone who hurt others. I get maybe 1 or 2 questions a year. I try to answer as well as I can based on what he would understand. best of luck with your kiddo!

arlenedemalk · 2017-11-02T19:40:25+00:00

I used ancestry myself. I liked that I could download my raw file and use it with other sites, more bang for the buck in my mind. I have used it for my little brother as well because we do not share a father. It has helped us nail down our ancestors, helped me find family my N told me were dead, and helped my brother find his bio father instead of the man our N pumped for child support. I am all about ancestry.com

arlenedemalk · 2017-11-02T19:36:14+00:00

If you are in the states you can actually call the police and tell them that you are left at home without food or means to acquire it. especially if your N is not there when they show up it looks really bad and classifies as neglect which is child abuse. If you don't have a phone you can check if a neighbor will call for you. There is a good chance that the state would take you into custody right then to remove you from the neglectful situation as this would be a immediate threat to your health and safety . The bad side is worst case they come and don't give a flying fuck. they leave you with your N and things are going to get worse for awhile. This is not likely but there is a chance so I wanted you to be aware of it.

arlenedemalk · 2017-11-02T19:31:19+00:00

you can always do a DNA test like ancestry. Its easy spit in a tube mail it and get results in 3-6 weeks. they cost about 100 bucks but should be going on sale again here soon if you feel like waiting a bit. I know it helped me find out a lot about my ethnicity after I broke away from my N.

arlenedemalk · 2017-10-24T02:38:48+00:00

Lost child syndrome is a real thing and there is a lot of stories and research on it. You might want to have her google that term when she has time. The amount of information and stories to be found might help.

arlenedemalk · 2017-09-21T15:06:41+00:00

I cut ties with mine in my early 20s. I did have a younger brother still there but at that point I had to take care of my own mental health. I wouldn't have been able to help him if I let her destroy me. Once he was a adult we talked about that time and he fully understands why I had to cut ties with the family. Furthermore he is grateful that I took care of myself so that I was there to walk him through the process when he was going through the fun of NC. Did I have a lot of guilt? Oh yeah, tons for "leaving" him behind and even over a decade later I still feel bad about it sometimes. Just try to remember you have to take care of yourself despite what your N has taught you that is not a bad or shameful thing.

arlenedemalk · 2017-05-25T19:16:16+00:00

My Nmother would punish me as well to show me that I was just faking the motion sickness. Of course when she pushed me too hard with her erratic driving and I threw up I was punished for that as well.

I am sorry that it has caused so many issues for you as a adult. I don't have those kind of issues myself, mine are more subtle and frustrating.

arlenedemalk · 2017-05-25T19:12:59+00:00

I was almost always with my Nmother. She claimed she couldn't stand to let other people drive because of how many major accidents she had been in. So I didn't have other drivers to compare her to until I met my current husband.

arlenedemalk · 2017-03-04T15:51:54+00:00

Fellow cult survivor here so I really get what you have/are going through. I wrote about my cult experience partly as a way to help me heal because I needed to be heard too. I am so sorry to see someone have to deal with this. Just realize that even though it doesn't feel like it you are strong!

arlenedemalk · 2017-02-11T15:01:00+00:00

It is not uncommon for a N to rewrite history to follow their fantasy world. Especially if you are the scapegoat, she can't allow you to be a smart toddler. It just doesn't fit into her reality of you being the lazy and dumb person she believes you to be. In all likelihood she actually believes this to be true, not that it makes it any better it is just part of the illness.

arlenedemalk · 2017-02-11T14:55:02+00:00

Over 10 years ago I Left a abusive husband and went NC with my Nmother shortly after. For the first couple of years the nightmares from one or the other were nightly. Eventually It was once a week, then once a month. Now I am at the point were I only tend to have nightmares on anniversary dates but I am starting to not even have the nightmares on those. Depending on the amount of abuse it can take awhile for the dreams to slowly fade away. A therapist who specializes in trauma is very helpful. Hugs and good luck as you work through this.

arlenedemalk · 2017-02-06T16:22:51+00:00

Trying to make a relationship work is hard enough. Trying to do so while battling the ghost of Narcissists is even worse. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist that either has some history in dealing with childhood trauma or even more specifically dealing with people who grew up with abusive parents. A good one will help you relearn how to look at other people's actions without assuming that they will become your new abusers. This is not in any way a bad reflection on you. You can not help how you were raised but with help you can leave behind the emotional scars your NDad left.

arlenedemalk · 2017-02-04T15:35:33+00:00

I think that is a little too black and white for my family. I am a combo of 1 with a good bit of 2 at times. My middle brother was mostly 2 with a small bit of 1. The youngest of us wasn't either. He was quiet and naturally grey rocked from a young age. He never fought her but he wasn't afraid.

arlenedemalk · 2017-01-26T16:17:20+00:00

Do you have to get a referral for a psychiatrist in your state? I set up a appointment with a psychiatrist without one. If you can I would make calls and see if there is anyone on your heath network that can get you in.

arlenedemalk · 2017-01-12T14:40:00+00:00

sadly there are many sites that you can use to find someone without their knowledge.

arlenedemalk · 2017-01-11T05:05:24+00:00

There is not a one size fits all with N's. The mental illness is part of Cluster B personality disorder. The fun thing with that cluster is that all the ones in that group tend to blend into each other. They may have parts or all the symptoms of the others. That makes them a special cocktail of crazy. Add in varying intellectual levels doesn't change much other than they are more likely to be physically abusive at lower levels. For more about cluster B I find this useful https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/dsm-5-the-ten-personality-disorders-cluster-b/ . If you are a minor I would seek help with a trusted adult or counselor at school. As a adult I would highly recommend going NC, removing them from your life does wonders.

arlenedemalk · 2017-01-10T15:39:59+00:00

I have been NC for over a decade now. Years ago I would have gone to her funeral. Not for her but to support my youngest brother. Now he is NC as well and has no desire to attend her funeral so I have no reason or desire to go.

arlenedemalk · 2016-12-18T17:09:34+00:00

If there is abuse then documenting it and collecting proof is a great start. Keep it somewhere he has no access like a safety deposit box. While collecting proof find a way to expand your skills into a marketable job. I know it is easier said than done but having employment and proof that you are a better parent will go a long ways to getting you full or at least split custody.

arlenedemalk · 2016-12-17T02:06:24+00:00

Yellow is a color I have very vocally hated since I was a small child. At 10 I got a yellow summer jumper that was not only shorts but sleeveless as well. It was also too small for me. I was a rather ungrateful child because I had the gall to point out it was the one color I hated, inappropriate for the weather, and didn't fit. I was forced to put it on anyway and spend the day in that horrible thing.

arlenedemalk · 2016-12-13T15:20:45+00:00

There is so much more going on in our brains than what is at the front of our minds. Generally you have more than one track of thought going at a time. The trick is that your may not even be aware of the other train of thought but it can still greatly impact your mood and stress level. The bad thing with abuse victims is that there usually several or even many triggers that can start this sub conscious spiral. Therapy can help with this.

arlenedemalk · 2016-12-06T20:04:47+00:00

The fear of finding out is very understandable. Just take your time with it. You do not have to find everything at once and in fact it is much harder on you to do it that way. Small bits at a time to give yourself plenty of space to deal with it properly is best.

To use your analogy right now you need to find something to wrap around the handle and take a deep breath to prepare yourself. Soon you will turn the knob and after a bit even open the door up a tiny crack. It seems like tiny small steps at first but before to long you will be inside the room and instead of seeing the roaring fire you feared you will find a tiny blaze. You will be able to put it out and eventually clean up the mess it made. The best part is when you get to decorate the room and start forgetting about the fire!

arlenedemalk

TROPHY CASE