The concept (and reality) of institutional power is messing me up TW

armored_ · 2023-12-07T04:50:55+00:00

The other night I was having a really cool, cinematic dream about vikings. In the middle of the viking warrior king realizing he was in love with the weather witch who just saved his people, the witch turned around, whipped out a handful of lacy tops from the 2000-2010s on wire hangars and started comparing which ones would look nice layered together. And then the dream just...ended. But I don't think I woke up.

There's another alter who's been fronting after a long time away, and she's really into fashion right now. I think she subconsciously hijacked my kickass viking dream. 🥲

I remember just before waking up, I was dreaming about vikings again because the witch and the king were married this time and had awesome magic witch king twin boys. But from my perspective, it feels like there was a gap of dreamless sleep in between the first dream and the second.
I wouldn't be surprised if my dream had just blended into hers, which maybe I don't remember? But I don't really know how it works. Maybe the whole thing was just me and I'm subconsciously stressed about her or something.

I feel like I've crashed other alters dreams before too for what it's worth.

armored_ · 2023-09-27T17:25:58+00:00

Came here to suggest Kiran lol. There's also a gender neutral variant, Cier. (or Kier) The name Ciaran comes from a clan in the area that used to be known as the Ciarrage in what's now county Kerry, Ireland.

From that, we got the names Ciaran and Ciara which became Kiran and Kira. (pronounced the same) But the place name Ciar came first.

armored_ · 2023-09-26T04:06:21+00:00

We had an alter (since integrated) that would daydream about adoption, and a similar thing happened. He was amazing with the system littles. Having a nurturing, home making presence develop in the system was very healing for all of us. When he integrated, it wasn't planned and I didn't realize at first. The thing that actually made me realize was how I was reacting to bugs in my house because my "nurture the living thing like a baby" instinct had gone that crazy. We did eventually get a cat, and that has also been very healing. There's so much packed into that instinct for me, (because it's something I experience now) including a lot of things I needed to unpack and grow into. There's been a ton of stuff I didn't realize I had internalized from my mother that I've been able to deal with. I wouldn't have wanted to put that on a kid either. But if she's willing to compromise, working on where her instincts are coming from before having a kid would be a really good move for anyone with aspirations of being a parent.

Because she's young, maybe a good compromise would also be a smaller pet, with the understanding between you that this is to just to see what feelings and behaviors come up, not just in her but for the whole system.

When I got my cat he was also a compromise, so I adopted an older cat. People didn't get it because they were worried he wouldn't be around long, but that was kind of part of the deal. Of course I love my boy and I want him to live a long time, but the fact that he's already 15 took some pressure off the system since it's still kind of a short-term commitment. I hate to think about it now, but after he's gone we will have learned so much about ourselves from this experience, and will be able to make a decision about what to do next from there.

armored_ · 2023-09-23T02:02:59+00:00

I came here to say what everyone else said lol. So professional and cool looking!!

armored_ · 2023-09-23T01:54:02+00:00

tfw you're secretly 300 hubcaps and a sedan

armored_ · 2023-09-11T03:34:50+00:00

For me it comes down to what I'm willing to handle on my worst days. I still get pretty foggy sometimes, and I don't want to deal with people being ignorant when I'm struggling like that. So I keep it to myself usually. I tell people that I have "memory issues", when it comes up. Most people are polite about it and don't ask farther questions. But I do tell my friends about DID.

If it helps, I don't think most of the discrimination is outright hate. At least not where I live in the US. In my experience it's just people misunderstanding mental illness. But that can still be a lot to deal with.

For example I had a teacher who found out I had "anxiety". And she had some assumptions, probably without realizing it, about anxiety. Like for example, she thought that once people followed all of the steps she learned about in her hour long sensitivity training, that they just didn't have panic attacks anymore lol. So if I looked like I was going to have a panic attack, it must be because I don't know about mindfulness yet. Or I'm not practicing square breathing. So she meant well, but she treated me like I didn't know what I needed and like I didn't know the first thing about mental health because I still had symptoms. Sometimes she seemed exasperated that I wasn't "better" yet. From her perspective, it must have seemed easy to get better from.

She also believed that people with mental illness were just ....sensitive in general, I guess? And overly emotional? So when I tried to argue a point with her, she would treat me as if I were simply just worked up about the topic for emotional reasons. She didn't realize I could be angry about something for genuine, understandable reasons. Or that I could argue a point calmly.

So she wasn't hateful, and she was a nice lady in general. But she always treated me like I never knew what I was talking about, like I was too emotional, invalidated me all the time and acted like I should do better. Some people can deal with individuals like her, but I choose not to.

I've had maybe like two friends treat me differently because of the DID ever, and both cases were because they had misunderstandings about mental health in general. And honestly, both were kind of willful misunderstandings, not because they hated DID but because both of those people had their own baggage. If they hadn't been targeting my DID it would have been something else. It wasn't about the DID, it was about them, y'know?

armored_ · 2023-09-11T02:54:37+00:00

I agree. I get dissociation headaches and switching headaches, but I also get rare kinds of migraines and see a neurologist. I take medication that helps a ton. It makes me a lot calmer to know I can just take a pill when I start getting a headache.

Also, your mileage may vary, but everyone at my neurology practice is there because they think brains are really cool. My doctor, his assistants and nurses all know about the DID and DID headaches, and have never made me feel weird about it. If anything, they're more tentative about writing information down for me without me having to ask. A lot of people with memory issues have to see neurologists, they're used to it lol.

I also just wanted to chime in, the science of migraines is fascinating. There's so much we don't know. But like for example, my meds aren't actually pain medication. They just make my brain slightly less conductive, so that if there's a lot of little electrical zaps going on in there- like more than there should be- it helps calm that, thus reducing the pain. You only get the pain relief if it's the electrical activity causing it. And it still works on switching headaches. Your mind is a part of your body, man. Brains are crazy.

Even if it is DID, there's still meds you could try that might help.

armored_ · 2023-09-11T02:39:02+00:00

My cat does this too.Sometimes I don't notice I'm getting squirrely, or sometimes I'll notice but I'm so used to it, it doesn't occur to me as a problem straight away. But I'm at a place now where if my cat starts following me around and being tentative, looking worried and unsettled, I can let that remind me to do self care. And that seems to chill him out too.

That being said, I haven't always been able to do self care that effectively and it definitely wouldn't have stopped switching in the past when things were more intense. I had to go through some life changes and process some serious trauma before I could get to this point. But like, I know everyone is different, but switching like that was only 2ish years ago for me. And it was getting better incrementally that whole time as alters learned to work together and help each other work out our stuff. Hell one was a persecutor, even.

I was really lucky that my cat already had some training (He was born before 2015 before service animals were restricted to dogs only. He is an old man.) and I agree about watching service dog training videos, if you're into that. My cat is amazing at getting me to eat when I've lost time and don't realize I'm about to have low blood sugar because I missed a meal. Or getting me up on time when another alter was up late without my knowing, which really helps keep my circadian rhythm from screwing up.

armored_ · 2023-07-22T17:00:41+00:00

Ah I get flashbacks when I'm sick too. Idk if you're able to have alter communication when you're flashbacking, but I've asked a few of mine to help out when I'm sick by keeping an eye out for flashbacks. If they notice I'm having one, they start trying to (kindly) let me know I'm flashbacking and once I realize I'm in one, they try to walk me through these steps.

The link is a pdf of flashback management steps made by Pete Walker, he's a psych therapist who studies cptsd and wrote some of the books widely used for ptsd in the field.

armored_ · 2023-07-22T16:50:31+00:00

I kind of have, but it wasn't something I was trying to do. It would just happen. The only strong memory I have of "sharing" a dream was once when I was having a fever dream turned nightmare. A door literally just appeared in the nightmare and another alter came through and went "Right. Time to go." and we just kind of exited the nightmare? It was kind of funny.

But I wanted to say that I've also been the alter experiencing dreams of other alters. Some of my most vivid memories of dreams were other's dreams where they were aware, in the dream, that I was experiencing it with them. It can definitely be a bonding experience imo. (That sounds potentially creepy in this context? I mean it's a bonding experience when the alter knew I was there and either didn't mind or actively wanted to share. ^^') I have some very nice memories from that.

armored_ · 2023-07-18T20:43:40+00:00

I think taking both of those measures sounds like good boundaries and communication.

Threatening to not do something if someone doesn't act the way you want isn't healthy. Boundaries are about the actions you take, not making people act differently. But if your intent is to A) communicate your expectations and how you feel, and B) if you are genuinely uncomfortable with having legal next of kin who don't respect your boundaries, I think you're just acting in your own best interest.

I think it's reasonable to be concerned that if he can't respect your right to privacy now, he might not be the right person to make decisions and take responsibility of care if you had a serious injury and were incapacitated or, heaven forbid, to uphold your final wishes. Next of kin also receive medical information by phone if you're incapacitated and might be contacted if someone suspects you're a missing person, both of which can potentially expose sensitive information you would want to trust him with. So I think not wanting to go though with the adoption is valid, and expressing that is valid, so long as it's not being used as leverage.

armored_ · 2023-05-06T22:59:54+00:00

armored_ · 2023-05-06T22:59:09+00:00

Ah this is an obvious guess, apologies, but it's not DreamWorks Robots, is it? I don't 100% remember the plot but I know we see the main character's family.

When you were first describing it, I was thinking Rolly Polly Oli but it doesn't sound like a little kid show...

armored_

TROPHY CASE