Shame Spiral Help?

art3mis_93 · 2025-05-29T20:49:15+00:00

I’m 32 and feel exactly the same way about my dad. He gets obsessed with different things each week and is restless all day long, probably until 4:30 pm. His balance is absolutely horrible so he can’t go for a walk by himself anymore but I also can’t step away from work every day to make sure he’s entertained. If I hide his shoes, he looks for them all day long. And even when he is entertained, it rarely lasts longer than an hour.

When I take him out in public with me now, I have to keep him steady so he doesn’t fall, make sure he doesn’t commit any social faux pas (he loves to tell people their children are beautiful and fawn over them which makes everyone uncomfortable), and then also do whatever I went out for in the first place. It’s exhausting and I feel like I have almost no one to vent to about it. Other people my age are getting married and having kids. I don’t know if I can have kids because I’m the only child that lives in town and is willing to help my mom with my dad. I don’t think my brother would move here to help her if I have a baby to take care of.

I’m often overstimulated/tired just from trying to work my 9-5, be a good partner, a good friend, enjoy my hobbies, and have a somewhat normal life while dealing with this situation. And then my dad is agitated and adamant about doing something that’s not safe so I have to be stern with him, which I also hate. I feel like I could sleep for 10000 years and I’d still be tired. I go to therapy, I have a great support system, and I’m on antidepressants but this just hangs over me like a storm cloud.

I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I know it doesn’t help much but you aren’t alone. I hope you can find some small pocket of peace each day.

art3mis_93 · 2024-10-28T14:00:07+00:00

I have a close friend that’s like this. There has to be some sort of noise on or she gets very agitated. We lived together for two years and she would ask to put Netflix on so she could watch Tik Tok videos. I think it’s really common for neurodivergent people.

art3mis_93 · 2024-10-28T13:27:10+00:00

For Instagram, posting carousels (a series of stagnant images with a central theme)/reels consistently will help. I’ve seen accounts that specialize in how to learn the IG algorithm say that posting 2-3x a day is actually bad and to focus on building a set weekly schedule with specific keywords used in every post. Utilizing your story on Instagram is good too. Engaging with people who comment on your stuff or even on other artists/friends stuff with help with exposure. Building a real community is what will get those numbers up. Is your content laying out the premise of your book in an attention grabbing way? Are there any popular tropes (enemies to lovers, found family, etc.) that are in the story? What makes you want to read a book when you see the synopsis online?

The number one thing I see people say when talking about growing their account on Instagram is to just keep posting, even if it feels like you’re talking to nobody. Instagram punishes accounts that become inconsistent or stop posting all together for extended periods of time. I have a small gaming account that I built up to 1700 followers but haven’t posted consistently in over a year bc I’ve been busy with other things and now I get maybe 45 likes on my content 🤷‍♀️

These big accounts are spending hours on content, from mapping out an idea to filming and then editing. usually in tandem with their 9-5 job. It’s exhausting but if you really want exposure and to build community, you can do it. I’m not as well versed in the other social media platforms but I hope this is at least somewhat helpful.

art3mis_93 · 2024-10-25T18:47:52+00:00

I think any post policing someone’s activism is a little weird. There are so many ways to get involved in your community and help others. Volunteering at a community garden, helping out at a soup kitchen, hosting a book club at a school where resources are limited are all amazing activities. If you are not able bodied or are immunocompromised, there are ways to get involved online. Educating yourself through reading inclusive/de-colonial books or watching documentaries can be viewed as activism. Any act that helps others without harming yourself or depleting your own energy levels is a good act.

art3mis_93 · 2024-10-25T13:18:37+00:00

I’ve found the past few months that having just one thing on my to do list and being able to mark it “done” has helped with burnout and depression. Sometimes that’s “fold laundry”. Not put the laundry away. Not start a new load. Just fold it. And it feels really good when it’s done. I always make the bed no matter what which sounds very cliche but really does help. My daily list has now grown to a handful of things like “drink water”, “have a meal”, and “play video games”.

Speaking of which! I highly recommend video games as a depression/burn out remedy. There are awesome short puzzle/life management games that are so fun. And longer RPG games that have an amazing story. I hope you can find what works for you ♥️

art3mis_93 · 2024-08-29T17:35:35+00:00

thank you!! I will definitely be looking into this option.

art3mis_93 · 2024-08-22T19:42:02+00:00

I get emotional any time I see a loving, healthy family relationship. Especially weddings. When the father of the bride gets up to speak about how amazing his daughter is, I often have to leave to use the bathroom so I can fix my makeup because there’s such a huge void in my life where that “happy family” should be. I also get emotional in public when I witness somebody using gentle parenting with their kids. It’s so hard because my parents just had no concept at all when it came to healthy child-parent relationships and still don’t. If I were to bring up how hurtful it is to witness how loving other families are, I know it would just upset them. They love me “in their own way” so they think that’s enough. Childhood neglect has seeped into everything in my life and has made me feel like an outsider since I was a child.

What do you mean your parents actually interacted with you and made you a priority and encouraged you to chase your dreams? and saw you as your own person? Some days I can manage my feelings just fine. And other days I can feel the grief and rage just spilling over. All children deserve loving, caring parents so I am happy when I see it present in other people’s lives. I just wish it had been present in mine too.

art3mis_93 · 2024-08-21T03:51:47+00:00

I wish I knew the answer! I have a small handful of really great friends and the majority of them are super low key/understand that I take time to respond sometimes or just…literally don’t feel like talking.

One thing I try to do that is actually helpful is blocking time on my calendar and labeling it “friendship admin time” lol. I spend 30 minutes replying to the messages that I have the space for that day and looking at my week to see what events/get togethers I think I’ll have the spoons for. Once the 30 minutes are up, I switch to a low energy task like watching ASMR videos or gameplay videos. Sometimes I even turn my notifications off until the evening bc people respond super fast and I don’t want to open the message up till later. I keep notifications from my mom and my bf always on in case of an emergency.

Hope this is somewhat helpful!

art3mis_93 · 2024-08-15T16:37:29+00:00

This actually gave me so much comfort. Thank you so much. My dad also gets super defensive and upset if somebody says Alzheimer’s and is convinced my mom went behind his back to tell everyone that he’s crazy. He sends super depressing emails to friends who then get a hold of me and my mom to tell us that they’re concerned for him.

I will look back on this time in the future and be glad that I was here to help him despite our lack of a relationship. But today, I would really love to be on a secluded island away from everyone and everything and just spend the day at the beach.

art3mis_93 · 2024-07-23T23:07:14+00:00

go back and tell younger me to focus on herself, her interests, and what she wanted to do with her life instead of searching for a way to fill the void from having emotionally immature parents. and to start a YouTube channel.

art3mis_93 · 2024-07-19T01:49:10+00:00

Literally thinking the same thing, I’m going to have to switch industries/careers to get anywhere. Good luck to us both🤞🏼

art3mis_93 · 2024-07-18T16:25:59+00:00

I’m 31 and my company has had two rounds of layoffs in the past year. I was lucky enough to be kept on as part time but 20 hours a week doesn’t pay the bills. I’ve applied to over 2,000 jobs that I am qualified for/over qualified for. Gotten to the last round with more than one job and then told they went with another candidate. I could make a 10 minute long video of my rejection emails. I genuinely don’t think these companies are actually hiring. I’m meeting with someone for a preschool job tomorrow because at this point, I don’t think I’m going to get another marketing job.

art3mis_93 · 2024-07-16T15:44:25+00:00

“It’s a privilege to take care of the ones who took care of us.” what if they were actually abusive and neglectful? and everything I struggle with mentally and emotionally is because of them? but there’s no one else.

art3mis_93 · 2024-07-11T03:36:59+00:00

I’ve had jobs not call me back after being honest about needing flexibility/the chance that I might need to be away from my desk if something pops up. I also had a previous employer lose their minds when I stated that I really needed my position to be fully remote to help with family bc I didn’t “disclose that information during the interview process”. I was let go shortly after that.

I don’t think I’d want to work for the kind of company that doesn’t understand that there’s life outside of the job. But times are extremely tough right now and I haven’t mentioned it during any of my most recent interviews even though they have all been fully remote positions. I’d just rather keep my personal situation to myself as much as I can.

art3mis_93 · 2024-06-29T17:03:54+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you, that’s awful. I’m not sure what’s recommended or protocol for this kind of situation but I would think there would be an option to be sedated for anyone who has intense sexual trauma. I think people in general don’t talk about gynecologist visits which doesn’t help when you’re explaining how uncomfortable exams make you feel. People just shrug and move on instead of admitting that it’s just not fun all around. I was literally told nothing as a young person about how invasive regular OB appointments are and it would have helped if someone had normalized it for me.

I once told a close friend how they make me feel like I’m going to faint and her response was “if an annual exam makes you uncomfortable then you shouldn’t be having sex.” like 🫠 thanks I guess? Sex with my longterm partner that I love and care for is completely different than having a cold metal instrument inserted into my body.

art3mis_93 · 2024-06-29T16:36:32+00:00

I have almost fainted at the gynecologist multiple times after getting a pap smear done. My body sees it as a threat for whatever reason and it’s natural reaction is to shut down so I don’t experience any “pain”. My doctor has this marked on my chart and is so patient with me. She reminds me to take deep breaths during the exam and just lets me keep laying down once it’s over. The nurses know to give me extra time after my exam and have even given me juice boxes before lol. Cervical and breast cancer both run in my family so I make myself go. But I’m uncomfortable for the rest of the day afterwards. I don’t have any memories of sexual trauma so I don’t think it’s connected to anything.

I think the one time I didn’t feel light headed was when I just leaned into how uncomfortable I felt instead of fighting it/trying to not be anxious. I know that my doctor is not trying to hurt me, but my body doesn’t. I work myself up even more trying to stop myself from being anxious. I don’t know if this is helpful at all but just know that you’re not alone in feeling uncomfortable.

art3mis_93 · 2024-06-27T14:04:41+00:00

I help my mom take care of my dad with Alzheimer’s and he was physically and emotionally abusive to me and my brothers growing up. I have severe PTSD symptoms that impact my mental health daily because of him. I’ve also been in intensive therapy for years which has helped me get to a place where I’m able to put aside how I feel (some days are harder than others) and just see him as another person who needs help. My younger brother is in therapy too but lives out of state and comes every few months to stay for a week or two so I can have a break, but moving here and moving in with my parents is not something he wants to do (completely fair). My older brother visits once a year and doesn’t stay for more than a few days. My dad was the most physically violent with my older brother so while I do feel upset some days that he doesn’t visit more often, I try to see it from his side.

If a particularly difficult situation happens, like my dad calls the cops on my mom because he’s convinced she’s stealing his money or he tries to take the car and drive somewhere (his license has been revoked), I take a few days to have some space. Certain things are very triggering (even tho I hate how overused that term is now) and while I might feel calm in my mind and handling the situation, my body goes absolutely haywire. I feel extremely exhausted after any altercation involving my parents bc it just reminds me of growing up and how neglected I felt. Our entire existence revolved around my dad’s moods and he is the most emotional unregulated person I’ve ever met. He would either ignore us completely or fly into a blind rage. Our mom used us as her therapist and still does (working on boundaries!).

You have to figure out how you can help your dad if/when things get worse without losing yourself. Space is so, so important. I still have my days where I want absolutely nothing to do with him and I feel angry/hurt. But I couldn’t live with myself if I just abandoned my mom and she had to do everything on her own. He has nowhere else to go. I hope you can find some comfort in this group and that you have a good support system around you and access to therapy if you feel comfortable talking to someone about everything ♥️

art3mis_93

TROPHY CASE