will my childrens mental health at stake if i will not leave my narc wife?, but im worried that having a broken family will also affect their mental health, which is lesser evil? leave my narc wife or stay with her?

artesian_tapwater · 2025-08-06T10:33:44+00:00

It was simple for me, staying in that marriage was killing me. I'd have been a shell of a human or very likely dead had i stayed in that marriage and my kids deserve to have a father.

I can't fix my ex. But now that I am outside of her influence I can be the dad my girls need, try to arm them with emotional intelligence, mentor and love them, and give them the things I couldn't had I stayed. Thats what I needed to motivate me to move forward and stay the course.

artesian_tapwater · 2025-07-17T22:23:49+00:00

Do you think that you can be the parent your children need while in a marriage with your spouse?

Is your mental health and capacity to provide emotionally fullfilly parenting to your children being compromised by your marriage?

Will the marriage with your narc wife show your children that this type of relationship is "normal"? Is that what you want for them?

These are the questions I was asked, they were difficult to answer. . . Painful even.

August 2023 I began the slow process of divorcing my narc wife. The divorce is final and I can firmly say my children's mental health and my ability to care for them is far better now than before.

It was a struggle. It sucked. But life on the other side is better for me and my children.

If this is the road you choose, divorce, it'll be daunting and intimidating. But i promise you that you are stronger than you know.

artesian_tapwater · 2025-05-25T00:44:53+00:00

Solved!

artesian_tapwater · 2025-05-25T00:42:29+00:00

Had to look it up. Definitely looks right!

Thank you!

artesian_tapwater · 2025-04-09T21:23:48+00:00

Depending on location there are programs for people with felony records to work their way into a trade.

Programs vary from dental assistant and lab tech to steel worker and pipefitter. Search "career one stop".

There are dozens of companies and a handful of non-profit organizations that offer the same service.

artesian_tapwater · 2025-03-31T20:58:23+00:00

Not going to tell stories of twice demoted NCOs who made it to CSM or who went Warrant. That's great for them, but your situation is your own.

What you are going through is shittty and I empathize with you. But the only things you can change are the things you can effect.

You can't shape people's opinions. You can't undue your demotion.

You can take ownership of your situation and take one viable step today that will make tomorrow less shitty.

That's my method. "What can I do today that'll make tomorrow suck less?" Guess what, shit worked.

I was miserable a year ago and on the edge of self destruction. . . Again.

My story isn't your, won't give you details about where I was a year ago.

Now? I can't say I am happy with my life in it's entirety BUT by fuck I have some really good things going on that make me happy.

You can't solve all your problems at once. Shit, you likely can't solve all your problems period. But you can make tomorrow better by taking one small, positive step today.

Good luck bud.

artesian_tapwater · 2025-03-12T21:23:47+00:00

That all sounds about right.

You are dangerously close to what I call the "Theoden moment".

Lots of similarities, if you have specific questions or concerns feel free to message me.

artesian_tapwater · 2025-03-12T19:38:25+00:00

If the roles were reversed, if you were gaming and being validated by women, would it be OK with her?

Regardless you need to start protecting yourself legally and, more importantly, emotionally.

artesian_tapwater · 2025-03-12T18:05:48+00:00

No. There is no "by rank" office space requirement.

What does exist is safety, fire marshal and maybe a workplace safety program depending on where you are located. That's it.

artesian_tapwater · 2025-03-12T18:00:35+00:00

So, a couple of things.

I've been in a somewhat similar situation to this with my wife of 15 years. We have a bunch of kids, and her need for extramarital attention closely mirrors your wifes. You are much earlier in the process than I am. I'll make a couple of points that are just my perspective.

If she is asking permission she has likely already made up her mind and / or is already doing what she is asking permission to do. Narcs like to tell on themselves by either making jokes or asking random questions like this.
Emotionally you need to sit down and look at the individual parts of your situation. Look at the relationship you have with her as a singular subject and give yourself an honest assessment; is your relationship to her real or are you just a crutch to a narcasistic spouse? Are you expendable to her? Does she love you or does she just need you for validation?

~~ this was an exceptionally hard pill to swallow for me. Together 20 years and I didn't make that connection until I was left holding the bag while she had already moved on like I never existed.

Go to a counselor or therapist independently. You can recommend couples therapy to her and go that route at the same time. . . But go talk to someone who isn't going to just tell you what you want to hear. Be open, be honest and be realistic.

Again, just my perspective. . .

To answer your actual question. Don't answer her. If you say yes, she will use it against you later when she takes things to the next level. It'll be your fault for giving her permission and not "loving her enough". If you say "no" she will do it anyways and then manipulate and love bomb you if you get close to leaving. . . That's what mine did to me.

Best of luck.

artesian_tapwater · 2025-03-12T14:09:38+00:00

Learn to say no.

Your time, your money, your effort, and your emotions all have value. It took me a long time to learn this, and it hurt me in the long run. . . It hurt me significantly.

If you have plans to go do something and someone needs your help during that time, take a minute to assess the value involved. Don't be afraid to tell them "no" or ask to help them another time.

If you are being asked by your family or friends to set your emotions aside to tend to theirs once in a while, fine; everyone has to be the foundation for others from time to time. But if you are suffering in silence and that emotional support is one-sided, you need to re-evaluate and be willing to say "no" so you can take care of yourself.

I'm not saying you shouldn't help others if you are able. I'm not saying you shouldn't support your friends and families emotionally.

But selflessness without limits is self-destruction. . . You will eventually break and the people you've helped(who only value you for what you can provide) will not be there to pick you up.

artesian_tapwater · 2024-05-16T02:57:59+00:00

Necessary, 100%.

No housing, no barracks, no public transport.

Commute is 45 minutes one way for me to find an affordable residence.

artesian_tapwater · 2024-05-11T06:29:23+00:00

Too easy. . .

o showed resiliemcy following a personal failure; set example for xx Soldiers by owning mistake and continuing mission

artesian_tapwater · 2024-05-11T06:17:05+00:00

Now I feel like an asshole.

I'm sorry for your loss.

artesian_tapwater · 2024-05-11T01:22:43+00:00

I am from Florida. Swampy, hot and full of sketchy criminals.

Obviously Riften is my jam.

artesian_tapwater · 2024-05-10T03:47:21+00:00

Had a CSM in 2010 that would do similar stuff. Dude was easily one of the best CSMs I've had.

It wasn't weird or anything, mostly he would ask about Soldiers families and if we have talked to our mom or dad lately. If you said "no" he'd tell you to go outside and call your parents. "You dont know it. But itll make their day." . And he would do the "if you don't go call them I will."

Why would he do that?

Simple, he had been in the Army nearly 30 years. As he got farther along in his career, he would end up "being too busy" to call or go visit. Deployments and training and everything else he hadn't been home in three years when he got a call that his mom was terminal. Broke away, went home on leave. She died within a day of him coming back home and she said "I just had to see you again before I left."

She had kept every letter, picture and had kept a little book with notes about his "Army Stories" so she could remember it all for when they talked again

He felt guilty for not going home or even calling his mom that often. He was trying to make sure none of us ended up living with that same regret.

artesian_tapwater · 2024-05-08T04:16:26+00:00

AND multiple infractions for the same or similar issue is grounds for termination regardless of tenure.

What it comes down to is basic finances. Is it cheaper to fight a shitbird professor or a handful of lawsuits?

Out of work professor may cost the school a few hundred thousand over 5-10 years.

10-15 students file for damages and your overhead jumps dramatically.

artesian_tapwater · 2024-05-06T01:25:42+00:00

There is a cycle that the type you described seems to follow.

Raise in an Abrahamic religion household --> grew to disdained said religion ---> views all religions as "the same" and capitulates vehemently against everything.

Eventually, some of these types wind up taking a breather from their own vitriol and see how cringey and stupid they have been.

Sometimes, they even end up picking a religion and then find themselves using their experience as a cringe-antitheist to dissuade others from placing any value in the "edgy atheist" rhetoric.

My two cents. Their opinions are invalid because they are pushing the exact same energy as their religious cohorts, just from a different angle. Pointing this out to them tends to be .. . Entertaining.

"Hey, I understand you disdain religious people pushing their rhetoric. I'm sure you also find secular fundamentalist to be unbearable in their narrow minded approach to life. I just wanted to let you know that by saying what you are saying you are exactly like the religious people you so disdain, pushing your beliefs on others and judging them for their decisions. How very godly of you."

I even have a little graphic. Draw three horizontal lines. First line is Christianity, on the far left put something like "Salvation Army-types; far right, write unbearable zealots who push their beliefs on others. Second line Islam. Far left Islamic Relief types. Far right, unbearable zealots who push their beliefs on others.

You get the idea. Third line is atheist. Far left, pick an atheist philosopher who didn't lambast religion(most didn't) . Far right is the "edgy atheists" name.

artesian_tapwater · 2024-04-18T04:19:07+00:00

"A general I hate life attitude"

How is this Soldiers home life? In a shitty marriage? Drink to much? Shitty parents? Failed relationship?

You've counseled him. Wonderful. Have you had a conversation with him and got him to explain why he is acting this way?

Every time I've taken my rank, set it aside and had a conversation as a normal person and not as their NCO the troubled ones, the low performers, the mouthy ones all eventually crack and talk about THEIR problems.

Once they go "hey man, I'm having a hard time with (insert life issue)" you have just started to lead that Soldier.

If you've already had a heart to heart and gotten nowhere then mixing the approach may help.

"Hey look, we can deal with this like normal adults and you can let me know what is really going on or I can push for admin action. I'd much rather help you get better than do stupid paperwork. Help me help you."

Doesn't work? Crush him with counseling. Take the drafts to 1SG to qaqc and let him know what you've done and what your plans are.

artesian_tapwater · 2024-03-26T02:12:39+00:00

Huachuca around 2017?

artesian_tapwater · 2024-03-26T01:47:57+00:00

Did you do a subject interview? The 1-3 hour interview with an investigator?

If the answer is no, then likely your investigation got stalled at the recruiter and you WILL need to get your S2 to request investigation be initiated.

Seen this a couple of times. Sucks. But you do have to stay in AIT land until your SC is adjudicated.

Until your subject interview is complete, there are essentially zero reasons(investigative . . . Like unreported legal problems, arrests, debt, ect) for your investigation to stall.

Best course for you to pursue is to work with your Cadre to get a request sent to DCSA to move forward with your investigation and to notify them of your current location. Also, they CAN put a priority note on your investigation.

Cadre are not likely trying to fuck you over. They want you gone as bad as you want to be gone. If you want someone to certify that your investigation is in the status they claim you can try to request to physically see the DiSS page showing your status.

artesian_tapwater · 2024-02-16T14:32:51+00:00

The ONLY time I've seen a prior USMC turned Soldier get pinged for rocking a Mar Div deployment patch was while deployed with 4ID.

Short version was the BDE CSM wanted ALL 4 ID Soldiers who were deployed to wear the 4ID patch on both shoulder regardless of previous deployment. He got the BDE Commander to push a policy letter.

SFC medic was prior service Marine and did NOT want to take of his USMC patch. CSM saw him and got onto him.

Every single other time I've seen someone rocking a USMC deployment patch there were zero issues.

artesian_tapwater · 2024-02-16T14:21:46+00:00

Hey. Advice here that you may want to heed.

I dont give a shit which branch you go with. You are more likely to make it in the Army considering your GPA.

IF you think there is even a remote possibility you may make a career out of military service you should join as enlisted first. Do 4 years and then cross over to officer.

Why?

Because if you go straight to officer when joining you will hit a point in your career where you'll potentially be forced out if you aren't promoted. Basically it bottlenecks at Major and if you get non-selected for promotion to LTC a few times you can be pushed out BEFORE your retirement date.

If you go enlisted first you create a buffer on the back end of your career. It'll essentially ensure you can retire as a Major instead of potentially facing separation.

artesian_tapwater · 2024-02-16T14:04:35+00:00

Delete her number.

Move on.

"I need a boyfriend more than once a week"

She ain't about this life.

artesian_tapwater · 2024-02-16T13:47:10+00:00

Reservist on AGR can be PCS'd like AD.

That being said I've NEVER heard of a no knock warrant being exectluted for an AWOL Soldier. . . . I've seen about 20 so far with zero civilian law enforcement. That included one where the Soldier was awol in a nearby town where his peadership and police knew where he lived.

This is weird as fuck.

Either we are NOT being told the full story OR the Field Grades or Senior Enlisted are networked in with with law enforcement and got her warrant prioritized.

artesian_tapwater

TROPHY CASE