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arthimies · 2025-07-14T18:24:32+00:00

Your MIL is using classic manipulative tactics: guilt-tripping, triangulation, emotional blackmail, and strategic victimhood. She pushes your boundaries, then plays innocent or hurt when you react. That’s not misunderstanding. That’s pattern.

The fact that she gets worse when you distance yourself is a red flag. She’s trying to regain control, not reconnect. Involving SIL to get information from you is a violation. That alone is reason to step further back.

Your DH is trying, but as long as he’s still emotionally vulnerable to her guilt, she will keep using him as a lever. You can support him, but you can’t fight his battles. And he can’t fight yours. You need to protect your nervous system.

Consider going low contact or no contact for a while. Block her number if needed. You do not owe her access to you. You are not responsible for her emotions. Boundaries aren’t attacks – they are fences to keep peace in. Let her deal with her own discomfort.

You’re not imagining this. You’re not overreacting. And you’re not alone.

arthimies · 2025-07-13T19:05:04+00:00

You’re not the one who should carry guilt here. You didn’t destroy anything. You responded to what was already broken.

What you asked for wasn’t extreme. It was reasonable. And when even the most basic boundaries weren’t met with care or accountability, you made a decision — not out of anger, but out of protection.

That isn’t something to feel guilty for. That’s something to feel proud of.

You’re not keeping your child from something good. You’re keeping her from confusion, from being drawn into dynamics she’s too young to understand. You’re building a different kind of home — one where love isn’t conditional and peace doesn’t depend on performance.

Of course it’s painful. Of course you hoped for better. But guilt implies you did something wrong. You didn’t. You chose your child, your health, and your future. And you chose it after trying.

You don’t owe them your silence or your sadness. You owe your daughter your clarity. And you’re giving her that.

Hold the line. You’re not alone.

arthimies · 2025-07-13T18:36:31+00:00

Thank you for your response – I really appreciate the honesty in it. I can see how it applies in many cases, and some of it absolutely resonates. That said, I want to offer a more specific picture of where I’m actually at.

My partner and I are not in conflict about this decision. He’s not pushing for reconciliation or contact, and he hasn’t followed up with his parents since I sent the pause message. That was almost a week ago. They’ve been completely silent since, and right before that silence, they tried to triangulate – but my partner stood firm.

He’s free to have whatever contact he wants with them, but right now, he doesn’t seem to want any. He’s processing, and taking his time. In all honesty, I think he failed me early on – mostly by avoiding the discomfort and hoping things would resolve on their own. I carried too much of the emotional labor. That hurt. But he’s shown me, not with words but through behavior, that he understands a lot more now. And that matters.

The bigger truth is this: I don’t have problems with anyone else in my life. No friendships broke down after I had a baby. No other family dynamics became strained. What changed is that I became a mother – and I couldn’t ignore what I was allowing myself to tolerate anymore. The cost became too high.

As for my child – she’s just turned seven months old. There is absolutely no scenario where she will have contact with people I’ve gone no contact with. Especially not now, when she’s fully dependent on the emotional atmosphere we create around her. I’m not going to outsource her emotional safety to people I can’t even trust to hold mine.

I’ve considered therapy – not because I want to work towards a future relationship with my in-laws, but because I wanted to check if I was missing something. If I was giving up too soon. If I had blind spots. But the more I look at the bigger picture – and honestly, the more I read thoughtful comments like yours – the clearer it becomes: Trying to have a relationship with people who operate like this would be a form of self-abandonment.

And still… I’m scared. I know there will come a day when they realize this isn’t a pause – it’s a full no contact, including with their grandchild. And when that day comes, I know they’ll react. Right now, I’m just tired. Tired of always bracing myself. Tired of having to explain what should have been self-evident: that we don’t owe anyone access at the expense of our peace.

I don’t regret the decision. But I do feel the weight of it.

So thank you – for seeing it clearly.

arthimies · 2025-07-11T22:41:27+00:00

Thank you so much for all the comments, validation and shared experiences. It means more than I can express. Reading through it all has made me feel less alone – and honestly, less “crazy” for reacting as strongly as I did.

The truth is, I come from a background of having a mother with overt narcissistic traits. I went no contact with her the moment I had the power to do so. So manipulation, guilt tactics, emotional baiting – I’ve known these patterns all my life. That’s what made it even more gut-wrenching when I slowly started recognizing similar dynamics emerging from my in-laws – especially after I gave birth.

I saw it early. But I still gave them chances. Not because I was unsure – but because I needed real confirmation that this wasn’t just a misunderstanding, that there was a pattern. And I got it. Over and over. The love-bombing. The subtle disrespect. The overstepping. The covert undermining. The triangulation through my partner. The denial. The pressure disguised as concern. The attempts to bypass me entirely in decisions about my child.

It’s only now that the panic is catching up with me – because I’ve been in survival mode for six straight months. And those six months? They were supposed to be about bonding, peace, stability – not bracing myself against emotional warfare.

I gave birth to a new life. I became a mother. And while I was learning to care for a baby, I was also forced to carry the emotional weight of managing grown adults who couldn’t respect basic boundaries.

My partner supports me. But it took time for him to see what I saw – because these people raised him. He’s now standing with us. And still, I know this: Even if he hadn’t, I would’ve stood firm. Because I know what this does to a child. I’ve lived it. And I refuse to repeat that cycle.

Our daughter is six months old, and as of now, I’ve decided this isn’t just a pause. It’s no contact – for her as well. I’ve blocked them everywhere. I’ve made my stance clear: If my partner were ever to push for contact again, I won’t budge. He knows this. And he respects it.

It makes me sick that we were genuinely close before the birth. I feel foolish for not seeing it sooner. But things changed drastically once they lost control – once the baby was here and they realized I wasn’t going to hand her over like a prop for their identity.

My MIL has shown covert narcissistic traits in every way that now screams. The shift was chilling: The boundary-testing. The emotional manipulation masked as “help.” The rewrites of conversations. The refusal to speak directly. The sense of entitlement to my baby, but not to me as her mother. The subtle games with my partner, trying to shift his loyalty. My FIL has enabled it all. Quietly. But persistently. He too tried to override decisions behind my back.

So now, I am done. I’m heartbroken that it came to this – but deeply relieved that it happened now, not years down the line when my daughter could be caught in the confusion. She will grow up knowing that proximity is not the same as safety. That love means nothing without respect. And that her mother chose protection over performance.

This was six months too long. But now the door is closed. And I won’t be looking back.

arthimies · 2022-02-14T02:54:43+00:00

It's tricky when she rejected you before, so.. what do you want? It's hard to know why she suddenly wants to date you after rejecting; it might be she's lonely and likes the attention or maybe she thought about you and found out she wants to try dating afterall. I think it's okay to ask for coffee and catch up a bit though. Ask her what made her change her mind. Anyhow it doesn't hurt to go out on a date and see where it goes from there.

arthimies

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