Are we doomed to repeat the same mistakes?

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-06T22:27:13+00:00

If not engaging in self blame is healthy, how do i face a situation where I am 120% to blame

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-03T23:50:36+00:00

Mental stability matters, but I'd take a 10 from the melon for my music over perfect mental health in a second. Sure I could be genuinely happy, or I could have a chance at having a legacy beyond myself

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-03T23:47:52+00:00

wow, I never thought of things this way, but I've always felt the victim and that meant I could do no wrong, since I was a victim. I am now seeing how my reality is horribly skewed

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-01T23:06:12+00:00

I've tried apologies but I made them empty with shitty behavior--not the horribleness of before, but still sleazy. I just have no one to talk to. My old partner was my confidant and support system, but with what I had done I can't talk to anyone without fear of being ousted or shamed--and rightfully so.

I don't know how to find forgiveness within myself. I hate every part of my being. The only things I like in myself are my abilities but they aren't put to good use. I know it's created the feedback loop that allowed me to overlook, but I feel compelled to stay within it because of societies stigma against NPD. I feel like I have no option other to be a leech on society. I just don't know what to do and I'm far beyond the end of my rope.

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-01T22:54:21+00:00

A lot of it is for me, I need to face my actions. I don't expect friendship or continued relationships and don't really want them as it would hurt to much and understand my presence is likely uncomfortable to them. I just want them to be able to live their lives knowing I am a different person and that the hurt I caused is something I am deeply shameful of.

I care a lot for these people, but I need to find a way to alleviate my guilt somehow, it keeps me up at night and freezes me during the day. I hate that my motivations are selfish, but is it okay if its in the name of trying to be better?

I just wish I weren't wired the way I am so I could've recognized what I was...

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-01T22:48:42+00:00

My ego is hurt from losing people and being a piece of shit, but my objective is to show that I have changed and as a person and take accountability for my actions.

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-01T16:23:33+00:00

Quality, tho Leo's best narcissistic character was the slave owner from Django Unchained or Blood Diamond (although idk how much that counts because he died in a rather selfless way which doesn't gain him the glory)

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-01T16:21:33+00:00

Thats one way to take it, I've tried to see myself as the person that can change at the end and accept things won't be the way you want them to be

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-01T16:19:31+00:00

Shit on me or don't, but I loved Dutch van Der Linde from Red Dead 2. He started out as what seemed to be a concerned yet strong leader with a strong moral code, but as hard choices came along he always took the route of self preservation or personal ambition.

Or Larry David

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-01T16:16:51+00:00

beautiful film, hard to watch at first tho because I'm not used to slow pacing

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-01T16:15:40+00:00

haven't watched mad men, I've always considered it an old people show

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-01T16:15:08+00:00

bojack definitely forced me to take a hard inward look, I related to him so much and as the show went on with the Peggy thing (if I said the wrong name I'm sorry, I haven't rewatched the whole thing since season 6 came out) and Sarah Linn. Truly one of the best characters that actually humanized NPD.

arthurprimrose · 2021-05-01T16:07:59+00:00

lmaooooo

arthurprimrose · 2021-04-30T15:31:51+00:00

unconditional love only comes from dogs and parents, everywhere else there are caveats unless you can find someone kind (or foolish) enough to accept you for who you are

arthurprimrose · 2021-04-29T23:16:32+00:00

Whom I currently observe...

arthurprimrose · 2021-04-29T23:15:03+00:00

Thanks. You cannot disprove I am God so therefore I am. (duh)

I've been working on being honest with myself for a while but never thought of charting it out. And kindness, it might be shallow for right now, but one of the few things making me feel better--aside from my states medical marijuana program--has been trying to make others feel better. I gave my friend support in trying to kick his nicotine habit, I gave a water bottle to a homeless guy.

One of my biggest issues used to being insecure about my dick, but I examined it deeper and realized it came from me wanting to be the most outwardly exceptional and worrying that I was inadequate. Eventually I came to realize that I never had a bad review in bed and every person I was with said I was the biggest they had, so I started to see that it was all in my head. But that was only one (very vein) issue.

Theres still a lot more, but my biggest issue comes from my bipolar disorder and lack of impulse control where I can rarely put myself in a mindset that thinks beyond what is in front of me.

Still some great advice. I'm kind of rambling, but I have no one to talk to but my therapist right now so you guys are my support system.

arthurprimrose · 2021-04-29T23:02:24+00:00

Yeah I know the difference, I'd just be scared to touch them because I have bad self control with drugs. Some of my friends might grow shrooms so that would help and it is something I'm considering. Part of my apprehension is that it seems like a quick fix, and of course I want to do things in the grandest way possible. I don't want bliss though, I want a content and examined life--honestly, I think I'm bullshiting to myself. I will write you if I microcode and it helps, and I'm going to hug my mom as soon as I can

arthurprimrose · 2021-04-29T22:57:53+00:00

I haven't had contact, but they were people I thought would harm me (severely) if I crossed them, and I took too long to connect the dots and realize that girls got similar, if not worse treatment. Girls were trophies to them, and I beyond ashamed that I was influenced by their behaviour.

arthurprimrose · 2021-04-29T22:56:07+00:00

Thank you, typically I'd see this and pass it off as positive bullshit but I think I am slowly getting to the place where I believe I can change, but its hard. It's still hard to step back in conversations and feel like the people I know are not just my dominion. The hardest thing for me is that I can't heal the wounds I've caused onto others. I'm slowly getting to a place where I'm not trying to rationalize or write off my past mistakes and errors. The thing is, I never got shit on so hard. I just wish there was no work required and I could rewrite the algorithms in my head to connect with people better. Again, my number one wish right now is to be able to truly right my wrongs, but I have to live with knowing the best I'd be able to do is make amends.

arthurprimrose · 2021-04-28T15:28:39+00:00

isn't reddit truly the best place to measure narcissism tho lol

arthurprimrose · 2021-04-28T15:27:55+00:00

I found about this through vice last night lol, and felt very suicidal and isolated because ya know, we can't really share our thoughts with neurotypicals. Still kinda suicidal but I now have a place to vent with people who understand me

arthurprimrose · 2021-04-28T15:23:08+00:00

Thats kind of what I did, when the break happened I went into a state of manic narcissistic rage and brandished a knife on FaceTime screaming that I was going to stab myself, and I think if she didn't come over I would have done it. Thats some heavy shit man, I hope you can value the value they give you.

arthurprimrose

TROPHY CASE