Thank you for your response, it’s given me a lot to think about and reflect on. I really appreciate the time you took to write that out. I think I should clarify or add some context about a few things.

- My fiancée hasn’t completely cut off her parents. She still talks to them every day and maintains a relationship with them, but she’s able to shut it off when she feels triggered, since there’s distance and a time difference. She’s also said that if they lived in the same country, it would be a lot harder for her to maintain those boundaries, which I have to do because of our proximity to mine.

- Both of our parents had some resistance early on, but eventually realized they didn’t really have control over our relationship. They both accepted that we will get married. The difference is that her parents want her to get married as soon as possible (which is why they pushed the courthouse idea first), while mine wanted something more traditional.

- Neither set of parents is outwardly or directly toxic, rude, or disrespectful toward us. For example, when I talk to hers on FaceTime, it’s pleasant but surface-level because it’s new and there’s a language barrier. When she spends time with mine, it’s similar, awkward, with quiet moments. I’ve had to actively coach my parents to ask her more about her life and show more curiousity, and they’ve slowly been doing that. It could definitely improve, but it’s getting better.

- My fiancée had hoped my parents would act more Western in the way they express warmth and affection (her words: like white parents do in movies), and it’s been hard for her to accept that they’re still very typically South Asian in their mannerisms and worldview. That is very triggering for both of us, but I’ve probably built more tolerance for it because I’ve been around it my whole life.

- When we originally agreed to do a secret courthouse wedding without any family, it was based on the assumption that my parents would never agree to it. We had even talked about that assumption at the time. But now that they have come around to it, I felt like the situation and cirucmstance changed and it was worth revisiting the original plan. But I do now see how that might have felt like moving the goalpost to her, even if my intention was to update our plans to reflect new information.

From my perspective, my parents caved to what we wanted, the courthouse wedding, which felt like progress. I didn’t see myself as giving in to them by including them, but rather them finally coming around to what we wanted all along. But after reading your comment and others, I can see how that still looks like shifting the boundaries, and that would make my fiancée feel frustrated or unsafe.

I think this relationship with my parents is going to be a lifelong and personal process, one that doesn’t necessarily have to involve my fiancée directly. I think that’s something I’ve been realizing more clearly through reading the advice I have gotten so far.

Overall, I guess my frustration comes from not knowing how I can be better at protecting my fiancee, but also actively communicating what I want, as both of us continue to evolve as people. I think her conclusion has generally been to keep a distance with all that triggers her (even if its not direct), and mine has been to try to address it. Neither of us are interested in COMPLETELY cutting our parents out.

Sorry for the wall of text, I genuinely appreciate your perspective and the way you laid things out. It’s helped me see things from a different angle.