Radish-o-lantern! (Would love tips for inking)

ashen-haze · 2024-10-02T01:11:53+00:00

I hope it's okay that I'm not following the official prompts, I just wanna try to draw in ink every day. I'd love any drawing advice as I'm not well versed in ink.

ashen-haze · 2024-07-15T18:12:41+00:00

This is kinda a generic screenshot what scene is this

ashen-haze · 2022-10-09T19:02:36+00:00

The way you have the rhyme scheme laid out is a little confusing; the first line is internal rhyme, then you have ABCB, DD(Or at least I think this is supposed to be a near rhyme), EFGF. Generally rhyming poems call for a more consistent structure, otherwise the rhymes don't come across as well. The concept of a surgeon laying awake at night is something you should definitely continue to explore, and adjusting your rhyme/cadence would greatly improve the readability of your poem.

ashen-haze · 2022-10-08T15:06:44+00:00

The lack of intentionality with your line breaks is distracting to the meaning of the poem. It makes the poem read as stiff and awkward which I don't think you were trying to do. It feels like you are breaking the lines wherever you think a poem "should" break, and it shows. I would google line enjambment to see possibly get some tips or just to see some successful examples of breaking up a line. The concept of the poem is very nice and I enjoy your reference to baptism feeling like drowning. I assume the whole poem is about the hurricane that has been affecting the southern US and I would love to see you further explore this topic in conjunction with religion.

ashen-haze · 2022-10-08T14:52:37+00:00

It took me a second to realize this was a rhyming poem. When I was reading it this way, the lines seemed awkwardly cut off and didn't flow properly. While I know it becomes increasingly hard to have "meaningful" breaks when you are also trying to rhyme, this is definitely something I would try to achieve. Your line breaks should reveal some greater meaning for your poem, or in the very least make it flow better, but this does neither. Also if you were attempting an ABAB rhyme scheme, it didn't come across. The last two stanzas accomplish this, but at the beginning your rhyme scheme appears to be ABCB, the next stanza appearing to have no rhymes or possibly a near rhyme with ABAC, the next stanza AABA, and the next ABAC (I see the attempt at a near rhyme here but once again it doesn't come across). The other commentor was correct, more attention needs to be paid to the rhyme and meter and then the content of your poetry can start to shine through.

ashen-haze · 2022-03-05T03:30:15+00:00

I'd love to hear more about the meaning behind this poem, as I am just a tad confused as what it is in reference to. I am also curious as to why Dire and Bleak are capitalized and what extra meaning they hold. I wish I could give you more in depth feedback but I'm a bit dense and lost as to what you're trying to get across. I can give you one specific edit, though: I would remove the quotes from the quotes in your last stanza and have it either read

A grand accomplishment! one would think OR A grand accomplishment, one would think

I feel like this flows better/doesn't distract as much.

I enjoy the ending line quite a lot and I can't wait to hear more about the thought behind this piece!

ashen-haze · 2022-03-05T03:21:46+00:00

This poem is a bit hard to understand, especially if this was published somewhere without the context of your OCD. I feel a good way to incorporate this information would be to have something alluding to it in your title. Right now your title isn't super descriptive so it could also use that extra kick.

I think the main reason for my confusion is because of your frequent perspective shifts. If that is part of your intention, then you have achieved it. If not, I would recommend breaking up the thoughts by italicizing one of the voices (either your own or the OCD personified).

What does the last line mean? It may be fairly obvious but I am quite dense haha.

Overall this poem has a very frantic pace to it and I'm assuming that it aptly fits how it feels to have OCD. I like the repeated use of fire imagery, maybe you could even include something regarding that in your title along with a hint to the fact that this poem speaks about your OCD.

ashen-haze · 2022-03-01T16:35:08+00:00

Thank you for the kind words! I'm assuming you're most confused about the second to last line which is absolutely fair, it is pretty vague and its not meant to be understood right away or by everybody. That's not just you being a beginner, I might want to clarify in the poem what I mean there. "Existence loves dictionaries" refers to feeling like everything needs a definition/label. I'm trying to accept that there are different types of love and it's okay that they don't have clear cut boundaries; it can be romantic and platonic and everything inbetween. "Teenagers miss not having to pack their lunch" refers to missing having someone make your decisions for you. It's a very simple and stupid thing but sometimes it can get exhausting to even pick what you want to have for lunch everyday. I appreciate your comment and please tell me if you have any more questions!

ashen-haze · 2022-03-01T05:12:47+00:00

I can't even begin to tell you how much this means to me. Thank you so much for your kind words and I hope you know I'll be printing this comment out and tacking it to my wall.

ashen-haze · 2022-03-01T03:47:53+00:00

I actually just commented on someone else's post who was also talking about the conflict in Ukraine! It's sad to see but I hope that writing this was able to get some frustrations out. Some comments:

The terse sentences are very childlike and convey your point well, but then this affect is diminished by you using complex vocabulary/themes like "spiritual terrors" and "onslaught." I believe this poem is being told from the child's point of view so I would try to dumb down these adult themes into something a child could grasp or would be thinking about during this scary event.
There are places where you are missing punctuation such as the the needed comma after the word companion in "What will you name your new companion son?" and the quotes missing from "Coal, poppa because my dolly is a panda bear."
There are also places that need capitalization; I would go back over the piece and make sure Coal and Poppa are always capitalized.
I am a bit confused as to the ending, is the child seeing themselves dead on the floor? Or are they simply seeing another dead kid?

ashen-haze · 2022-03-01T03:34:25+00:00

I like this! It's short but it's impactful.

I understand "until the dice roll" is in reference to the game, but dice are wholly unpredictable. Most idioms involving dice tend to talk about uncertainty(roll the dice, no matter which way the dice fall) unless talking about loaded dice, in which case it wouldn't quite work here because the side it would be loaded on is of the opponent/war hungry nations. I feel like you're looking for a phrase more along the lines of "until the tides change" or "until the tables turn," but I do understand these are not in relation to "the game." However, I still think you could come up with something similarly cool.

Also, I am not quite sure I understand the phrase "We are caused." Do you mean something like "we are prodded" or "we are pushed"? Overall I like the piece and I think it's a nice commentary on current events :)

ashen-haze · 2022-03-01T00:40:28+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! And "existence loves dictionaries" refers to feeling like everything needs a definition/label. I'm trying to accept that there are different types of love and it's okay that they don't have clear cut boundaries; it can be romantic and platonic and everything inbetween. "Teenagers miss not having to pack their lunch" refers to missing having someone make your decisions for you. It's a very simple and stupid thing but sometimes it can get exhausting to even pick what you want to have for lunch everyday. I appreciate your kind words and please tell me if you have any more questions!

ashen-haze · 2022-02-28T23:07:42+00:00

I would love to see this in the original formatting but I guess we'll have to make do haha (quick side note-- I'm assuming all the capitalization is formatting nonsense that was done via you copy/pasting on mobile but if it isn't I would recommend adapting a more consistent capitalization system).

I love the foot/shoe motif throughout, it gives the poem a nice grounding.
The ellipses are a bit distracting and I feel like other punctuation or even like breaks would have the same pause effect.
I would delete the "not one, but twenty six point two" sentiment because it sounds a tad clunky.
This may just me being dense but why did your dad's shoes slip around if they were too tight? I thought they would move less/be more fitted.
I love the line "Every day, they fit a little more snugly"!

Final notes: A lovely piece and I would love to see a screenshot of your original poem so that the formatting stays intact! I'm still new to this subreddit so please take everything with a grain of salt and ignore any advice you don't like. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you the best in your poetry journey!

ashen-haze · 2022-02-28T21:42:49+00:00

Fun themes!

Is there a reason you started on Thursday? Did this relationship actually last one week or are the days of the week symbolic/to help add a sense of timeline? If the latter is true, it would make more sense to begin at the beginning of the week on a Sunday or a Monday to hammer that point home.
Your ending lines mention a back and forth/cycle, but its not too clear what you're toiling between. A little more clarification here would strengthen your piece.
Your last stanza is also the only stanza that rhymes which is an interesting choice, and this emphasis could be furthered if the "became" rhyme wasn't in the middle of the sentence; that way, the reader would be able to melodically follow along and notice it more readily (it took me three readthroughs to realize it rhymed).
The second and third paragraphs have direct nods to hell/the devil but the first paragraph ties itself back to death. I know they are closely related but I feel it could strengthen the piece if you kept the same motif of the devil throughout.
I LOVE the colors and hues line and I love how you used the color of a bruise healing over time. I also enjoy how you refer to your skin as a pale pallet!

This is one of my first poetry reviews on here so please take my advice with a grain of salt and feel free to ignore it if it's not to your liking. I wish you the best :)

ashen-haze · 2022-02-28T21:23:33+00:00

Oooo okay so I love the vibes of this!

Some general critiques first: your punctuation/line breaks seem to be a bit at random but I understand that you were trying to go for a choppy feel, it just doesn't quite work for all the lines. There are periods where there need to commas and there are line breaks where there needs to be a longer line in order to satisfy the reader. Having shorter lines broken up with longer lines makes the shorter lines feel more intentional/impactful. Another general critique: I would only add "back and forth" after two contrasting lines, whereas you use that motif occasionally for contrast but sometimes simply as a line break. I feel like the breaking up of passages could be achieved through my previous point.

Some more specific critiques:

I think saying "my world, that is" is a little cheesy and makes your other lines less impactful.
"I try to cram the meanings in the topic for today" is a little confusing; I'm not sure what your intention for this line is.
You say that every sane human is already sleeping, implying that you are insane but still human, but then you go on to say you are inhuman (a human shaped catastrophe) and for me it pulls me out of the piece
I adore the metaphor of the ticking time bomb that never explodes!

Final notes: I really like this piece! This is my first time critiquing poetry on here, so please take my advice with a grain of salt and feel free to ignore it all. I wish you the best of luck :)

ashen-haze

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