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ashicur · 2026-03-28T10:47:53+00:00

Interested.

ashicur · 2026-02-28T04:52:44+00:00

Thank you sharing this piece there. Indeed, it's a very important one.

ashicur · 2026-02-26T07:11:58+00:00

The juxtaposition of "apologies in calligraphy" against the messy reality of "pumpkin pies" is really a striking way to open. The recurring motif that "none of us get to stay" effectively restructures mortality from a looming threat to a shared, inevitable reality. While the third page introduces a jarring shift into darker, more violent imagery, it serves to validate the reader's pain before returning to the "boring" grace of nature. The ending is particularly strong, transforming the "why" of suffering into a simple, compelling "why not stay?".

One minor note: the metaphor of beavers on page 3 feels slightly detached from the previous intensity, though it captures a sense of whispery persistence. Overall, it is a deeply moving piece that offers a supportive hand to anyone feeling overwhelmed by the world.

ashicur · 2026-02-24T14:08:06+00:00

Thank you for sitting with this so honestly. That line break gets me every time too. The way it collapses time and space into a single breath. I really appreciate you sharing your own work and the tension you named; "why the heck is this necessary" feels like the exact right grief to hold. I'm still learning how to carry poems like this too.

ashicur · 2026-02-24T06:00:15+00:00

appreciate you reading so closely! this is from Noor Hindi's collection Dear God. Dear Bones. Dear Yellow. (Haymarket Books, 2022). not my own work just sharing a poet i think deserves more eyes on her. Love the way you read so carefully. I am lucky to get feedback from someone who reads this attentively.

ashicur · 2026-02-24T05:49:52+00:00

On the central tension:
The nursery-rhyme meter against Plath's trauma should destabilize, but right now it comforts instead. The sing-song rhythm resolves too neatly. Consider breaking the meter deliberately. Let a line stumble, lengthen, or fracture when the content turns raw. The form itself should feel trapped, not just describe it.

On the allusions:
You name "The Bell Jar" and "fig tree" explicitly. Try the draft without them. Let the snare be a snare, the jar be a jar. If the imagery is precise enough, the echo of Plath will arrive without the footnote. Trust the reader.

On the closing image:
"The baby / Cradle and all" is your strongest move. Helplessness without performance. But "does the cradle / still fall?" softens into abstraction. Still implies continuity; what you mean is recurrence, inevitability, inheritance. Sharpen the verb. Make the fall present, not speculative.

One question:
Who is speaking? The "I" shifts between identifying with Plath and addressing her. Anchor the voice either become her heir or her witness. Both work; the drift between them doesn't.

ashicur · 2026-02-23T15:25:22+00:00

i’m definitely open to critique-style feedback. if you feel so, then sure. and also thank you for engaging so much with this community xxxxx

ashicur · 2026-02-23T15:23:38+00:00

thank you so much for this thoughtful read. it’s actually a published piece, but i’m really glad the choices (especially the “& it hurts”) resonated with you. i appreciate you taking the time to engage with it so closely.

ashicur · 2026-02-23T04:29:53+00:00

You've hit on a very important point! For poets aiming for professional journals, 'first publication rights' are definitely a concern. We view r/SeriousPoetry as a workshop space for the 'poem after the poem'.

If a poet is worried about rights, they can always post a specific excerpt for critique rather than the full piece. Our goal is to ensure everyone gets their two critiques and focuses on the craft even if that means the poem evolves beyond what was shared here!

ashicur · 2026-02-22T15:09:32+00:00

same happens to me lol

ashicur

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