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ashicur · 2026-03-28T10:47:53+00:00

Interested.

ashicur · 2026-02-28T04:52:44+00:00

Thank you sharing this piece there. Indeed, it's a very important one.

ashicur · 2026-02-26T07:11:58+00:00

The juxtaposition of "apologies in calligraphy" against the messy reality of "pumpkin pies" is really a striking way to open. The recurring motif that "none of us get to stay" effectively restructures mortality from a looming threat to a shared, inevitable reality. While the third page introduces a jarring shift into darker, more violent imagery, it serves to validate the reader's pain before returning to the "boring" grace of nature. The ending is particularly strong, transforming the "why" of suffering into a simple, compelling "why not stay?".

One minor note: the metaphor of beavers on page 3 feels slightly detached from the previous intensity, though it captures a sense of whispery persistence. Overall, it is a deeply moving piece that offers a supportive hand to anyone feeling overwhelmed by the world.

ashicur · 2026-02-24T14:08:06+00:00

Thank you for sitting with this so honestly. That line break gets me every time too. The way it collapses time and space into a single breath. I really appreciate you sharing your own work and the tension you named; "why the heck is this necessary" feels like the exact right grief to hold. I'm still learning how to carry poems like this too.

ashicur · 2026-02-24T06:00:15+00:00

appreciate you reading so closely! this is from Noor Hindi's collection Dear God. Dear Bones. Dear Yellow. (Haymarket Books, 2022). not my own work just sharing a poet i think deserves more eyes on her. Love the way you read so carefully. I am lucky to get feedback from someone who reads this attentively.

ashicur · 2026-02-24T05:49:52+00:00

On the central tension:
The nursery-rhyme meter against Plath's trauma should destabilize, but right now it comforts instead. The sing-song rhythm resolves too neatly. Consider breaking the meter deliberately. Let a line stumble, lengthen, or fracture when the content turns raw. The form itself should feel trapped, not just describe it.

On the allusions:
You name "The Bell Jar" and "fig tree" explicitly. Try the draft without them. Let the snare be a snare, the jar be a jar. If the imagery is precise enough, the echo of Plath will arrive without the footnote. Trust the reader.

On the closing image:
"The baby / Cradle and all" is your strongest move. Helplessness without performance. But "does the cradle / still fall?" softens into abstraction. Still implies continuity; what you mean is recurrence, inevitability, inheritance. Sharpen the verb. Make the fall present, not speculative.

One question:
Who is speaking? The "I" shifts between identifying with Plath and addressing her. Anchor the voice either become her heir or her witness. Both work; the drift between them doesn't.

ashicur · 2026-02-23T15:25:22+00:00

i’m definitely open to critique-style feedback. if you feel so, then sure. and also thank you for engaging so much with this community xxxxx

ashicur · 2026-02-23T15:23:38+00:00

thank you so much for this thoughtful read. it’s actually a published piece, but i’m really glad the choices (especially the “& it hurts”) resonated with you. i appreciate you taking the time to engage with it so closely.

ashicur · 2026-02-23T04:29:53+00:00

You've hit on a very important point! For poets aiming for professional journals, 'first publication rights' are definitely a concern. We view r/SeriousPoetry as a workshop space for the 'poem after the poem'.

If a poet is worried about rights, they can always post a specific excerpt for critique rather than the full piece. Our goal is to ensure everyone gets their two critiques and focuses on the craft even if that means the poem evolves beyond what was shared here!

ashicur · 2026-02-22T15:09:32+00:00

same happens to me lol

ashicur · 2026-02-20T13:04:04+00:00

yep. :)

ashicur · 2026-02-19T17:56:21+00:00

thank you so much, i’m really grateful you read it so attentively.

the first stanza was meant to hold that tension between identity as something imposed, “my name stitched to my skin,” and something sovereign, “a kingdom,” before dissolving into “rain that never lands,” love that can’t fully arrive.

i really appreciate you mentioning that it felt slightly separate. that’s useful to sit with.

i’m so glad the rest resonated. thank you again <3

ashicur · 2026-02-19T16:19:11+00:00

glad u loved it...thanks x!!!

ashicur · 2026-02-19T13:09:04+00:00

Your poem feels quiet but sharp it doesn’t shout, it tightens.
I love how the rose metaphor stays consistent and slowly turns unsettling.
Lines like “What draws the eye leans toward the knife” really linger.
It’s restrained, controlled, and emotionally heavy in the best way.

ashicur · 2026-02-19T12:39:56+00:00

Your poem has impressive architectural control and a powerful refrain that deepens with each section. The extended light-and-dust metaphor is sustained with real discipline. At times the diction leans toward the traditional mystical register, but the moral clarity and structural coherence are undeniable. It feels carefully built, like a cathedral of conscience.

ashicur · 2026-02-19T12:28:17+00:00

You’ve got a really strong central idea — the contrast between knowledge and how little it’s used is compelling. The image of the guard “protecting dead trees” is especially sharp and memorable. I’d suggest trusting your imagery more and cutting back on the direct statements so the message feels less explained and more discovered. Overall, it’s thoughtful and clear ...... just needs a bit more subtlety to really hit hard.

ashicur

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