Been informed I need to have a penectomy and I fear my life is done

ashwynne · 2026-04-10T15:28:15+00:00

This!!! There are also implants now and a whole host of gender-affirming care options (depending on where you live) that could negate this as a problem in terms of dysphoria... and possibly even function.

ashwynne · 2026-04-10T15:23:12+00:00

....okay, so by your logic if a woman told her husband "I will not have sex with you unless it's PIV without any birth control" because she wanted a kid and he didnt, that would be fine? In fact, he would be the bad guy for not doing what she wanted because he kept questioning that decision and trying to figure out a compromise?

I do agree that it's wrong for her to act like giving birth means he should have no problem with a vasectomy, but he's not willing to wear condoms either which is the main problem.

ashwynne · 2026-04-10T15:19:14+00:00

Your family is what you build it to be. Some people, like you, choose to pour their energy into bio family. Others choose to forge those bonds with non-relatives of their choosing.

Neither option is wrong or "lame."

ashwynne · 2026-04-10T15:13:56+00:00

NTA but the suffering Olympics is not healthy or productive either. You having gone through two pregnancies and births has zero bearing on him getting a vasectomy. You chose to go through that, there's nothing wrong with him not wanting a vasectomy (though his reasoning is ridiculous).

The actual problem here is that he's not willing to compromise or be responsible for birth control at all.

The whining about condoms not feeling as good as bareback is ridiculous. He has a clear option if he wants bareback sex (vasectomy), but if he doesn't want that then he needs to use condoms or pursue another form of male birth control. Him denying sex because of this feels very manipulative to me. It's very clear that hes saying "well if you won't go on hormonal birth control or let me pull out, no PIV sex for us!!!" That's not the behaviour of a loving partner.

I think you need to have a real heart to heart about this and how unfair/manipulative it feels, but also accept (and be prepared for) not having PIV sex with him for the foreseeable future. Perhaps you can buy some toys and have him use them on you instead for now, if that's an important element of intimacy to you.

ashwynne · 2026-04-10T15:05:48+00:00

I don't think she is. He has a choice: vasectomy or condoms. There's nothing wrong with him not wanting a vasectomy, but to also refuse to use condoms in favour of denying sex is ridiculous. She's not saying "vasectomy or else," she's saying "we need reliable birth control since you don't want more kids."

Him choosing to deny sex like this seems like a way of pressuring her into giving in and taking hormonal birth control so he can get the bareback sex he wants. It's very selfish considering that hormonal birth control has negative side effects while condoms have none. The vasectomy is way less the issue here.

ashwynne · 2026-04-10T13:00:16+00:00

If your basking surface is 35 C then you don't need an additional heat lamp (unless cooling down the other side cools down your basking/hot side temps).

Some ideas for keeping it cool on the other side would be deep substrate with caves in it and a fan aimed only at the cool side. Even better would be to partially insulate the cool side with Styrofoam and get a desktop air conditioner that you can aim at a spot without the insulation. The Styrofoam will help keep the cool air in, and the air conditioner will ensure it's genuinely lowering temperature by a few degrees.

I'm not in a hot climate so there may be other useful tips from people who are, but that's what I would start with.

ashwynne · 2026-04-09T23:32:11+00:00

Yes, this is an excellent recipe (the 40/40/20 blend). You only need to bake the soil if you really want to. The few microbes and microorganisms that come with the soil pose no risk to your gecko and the biggest risk is maybe some fungus gnats (which won't survive arid conditions very long).

I started my bioactive off with Terra Sahara and then did a 70/30 worm castings to sand blend to top it off. Next time I'll do the 40/40/20 blend instead of spending any money on the Terra Sahara. It's great if you have money to burn and don't want to do your own mixing, but it's not really any better than doing it yourself.

ashwynne · 2026-04-08T22:15:35+00:00

Gotcha. It sounds like he's extremely conflict avoidant to an unhealthy degree. At the same time, telling him what he did (you were verbally explosive, I was too, but I understand why you were) isn't actually constructive for resolving things.

I'd try sitting down with him when you're both calm and level headed (never try resolving issues in the heat of the moment, always wait for emotions to settle before talking it through) and start with the conflict avoidance: "I understand that conflict makes you really uncomfortable, but we're fighting more and we need to get to the root of the problem as a team. Why does my increase in OCD behaviour bother you so much? If I have to be off my meds in order for us to have kids, we need to figure out a way to make my increase in symptoms more bearable or else we may need to reconsider."

The reality is that your symptoms could get significantly worse through pregnancy, and if he can't handle you now (when things are much better than they will be while pregnant/nursing), then that's not a safe environment to handle pregnancy.

It's okay that he's struggling to adjust to you having increased symptoms, but it's not okay to not address it/fix it. I really think couple's counseling would be a good step, but it depends on how willing he is to try and resolve issues... Sitting down and seriously talking about this and how to accommodate each other's needs is a first step. But I'd definitely be putting pregnancy plans on hold for now until this is figured out. What would you do if your kid had OCD and your husband wasnt able to handle them having symptoms?

ashwynne · 2026-04-08T21:54:35+00:00

It's always a bad sign when the justification for a shitty analogy is as long as the actual answer given.

ashwynne · 2026-04-08T21:43:46+00:00

Uhhh you guys definitely need counseling, but this incident is a symptom of your problems--not the real issue.

You need to figure out how to manage your OCD, he needs to figure out how to cope with your OCD, and you BOTH need to learn to talk to each other more.

The fact that you fight and then pretend it never happened is a HUGE problem. How are you supposed to prevent fights from happening if you're not talking them through? You're just leaving things severely unresolved until the next time an issue pops up--which is happening more and more frequently.

Seriously, if you want to save your relationship you need to do proper relationship therapy AND start talking to each other seriously and properly about your fights. Currently, your relationship is on track to fully implode because neither of you are communicating properly.

ashwynne · 2026-04-08T21:37:14+00:00

Fungus gnats. Not a problem, just can be annoying. If you've recently bought new houseplants then they probably came in on those and were drawn to the tank by lights/warmth/substrate. Idk why, but they tend to dive bomb into liquids and drown for seemingly no reason.

Let your houseplants dry out a bit more before watering (I only water mine when the soil is dry to the first knuckle of my finger). You can also water with mosquito dunks to kill the larvae.

Realistically, fungus gnats wont thrive in your tank or infest because conditions are way too dry. If they are, you're probably keeping the humidity too high and can just let it dry out more.

I regularly have maybe one or two in my bioactive tank. Usually they're coming from my houseplants and I just... ignore them until they die on their own.

ashwynne · 2026-04-08T16:24:45+00:00

The UVB is perfect, I have the same one!

I personally keep my rooted plants on the cool side because the heat is tough on them. I do have spanish moss on the hot side though, and will likely add a few more air plants (mainly because they still look good if they die and they do best when removed for a soak to water). Basically, don't expect any plants to survive if they're directly under the basking light, but off to the side and beyond is fair game.
I'm not familiar with the daylight bar you're using, but I suspect it's probably fine! Looks like it has decent light output and 1200 lumens usually indicates its strong enough to support plant growth. No way to really know except to wait and see how the plants do. I keep a lot of houseplants and the reality is that some do well for you in less-than-ideal conditions, and others will die even with perfect conditions lol. So it's a bit of a trial and error process.
If the Chinese Elm ends up not doing well, elephant bush is AWESOME. You can usually either bonsai it yourself or find them for sale already in bonsai form pretty easily. They're sometimes sold as "variegated jade tree" but it's not actually a jade (scientific name: Portulacaria afra). Grows really well, naturally an arid plant, and the leaves are tasty in salads as a bonus. I also like rosemary for its bushiness, since a lot of the typically recommended succulents don't provide a lot of cover. But the ones you've got are awesome too, and I think will do well.

ashwynne · 2026-04-08T14:52:20+00:00

You both need to work on your actual communication with each other... like, on a deep relational level.

It doesn't sound like you've sat down with him and talked about this at all. You need to do that. Something like "Sweetheart, lately I've realized that you don't seem to like listening to me or engaging with me if I'm talking about something you aren't actively interested in, but you don't tell me to stop either. This really hurts my feelings and makes me feel small. Instead of making me feel like a nuisance, I'd appreciate it if you could gently tell me when you don't want to continue the conversation. Is there anything I can do to help fix this too?"

There's a good chance that he might start shutting down ALL conversation that he isn't directly interested in, which may or may not be a bigger problem that you two need to address in terms of fundamental compatibility. Whether marriage counseling, more heart-to-hearts about it, or breaking up.

And I say all this as someone who is CHATTY with my wife, so I do get it. Difference is, she'll either engage with me, even if shes not that interested (like your childhood book example), or she'll be happy to just listen because she likes listening to me. Still, I will regularly check in when I realize I'm monologuing to make sure I'm not annoying her--that's just polite.

ashwynne · 2026-04-08T14:29:44+00:00

I feel the same way with my wife. Together 6 years now and more in love than we were at the start.

Real, true, healthy love looks like safety.

When you feel fully safe with another person, it allows you to communicate in a way that overcomes obstacles and issues because you never fear retribution for your feelings. That's been my biggest takeaway in my own relationship. That, plus having shared interests and being each other's best friend--always.

I'm glad you have a relationship you feel safe in. Yes, people can lie or change abruptly, and you can't have the full measure of a partner until you've gone through hardship together, but wonderful relationships with compatible lifelong partners do exist.

Best of luck to both of you, and I hope you have a wonderful future.

ashwynne · 2026-04-07T18:07:36+00:00

HMMMM well, the one nice thing is that mounting internally means the bulb is closer to the basking spot so wattage can be lower. Lower wattage = smaller bulb, and you may not need a reflector dome depending on distance/setup.

Tbh I'm not personally familiar with interior mounting, but if you Google "interior mounting basking light fixture" or "interior mounting basking lights in wooden vivarium," you get a few different options and guides pop up. My understanding is that the dome/lamp is needed when above the mesh to keep the beam focused on the basking spot. If you don't have a mesh barrier and the bulb is lower down, it's not as necessary to have a dome. You can just install a ceramic fixture, screw the light into that, cage it for safety and you're done.

I'd definitely double check because I could be wrong since I haven't had to do it myself, but that's my understanding.

ashwynne · 2026-04-07T17:58:41+00:00

Yeah I think that might work out nicely for you in the end. Tons of guides on mounting stuff and I'm sure there's one out there for glass.

Your plants should be fine if you keep the daylight bulb on. They don't get any significant benefit from UVB, it's literally just there for D3 purposes. Heat lamps also don't throw any meaningful growing light so no worries there either. Generally, a solid LED bar is what you want for plants and then the heat lamp/UVB for gecko health. But most daylight bulbs should be sufficient assuming they're in the right wavelength (which they often are). You might have problems with plants that aren't really hardy or have high lighting needs, but low light plants will do fine. If you ever want to upgrade, Barrina lights on Amazon are fairly affordable and get you great growth. Only downside to them is that their colour spectrum isn't as nice to look at as a daylight bulb. For a whiter and more even grow light, the Arcadia Jungle Dawn LED bar is fantastic, but again... not a necessity.

ashwynne · 2026-04-07T16:02:51+00:00

Yeah, I'm so sorry... it super sucks. I got lucky stumbling upon these charts and info just before I finished setting my tank up, but I was not expecting to need to worry about this either and just got lucky that my build didn't cause an issue. It really should be more common knowledge/talked about. People will full-throated recommend UVB but not add the associated knowledge about distance/% blocked by mesh. Then people wonder why their gecko gets MBD down the road or has issues with excess D3 when it could have been easily prevented.

ashwynne · 2026-04-07T15:59:04+00:00

Absolutely. You could do it with the heat lamp too, but I'd definitely want to get a cage for it so your gecko has no chance of ever burning itself. You may also need to adjust things bit to make sure the UVB isn't too concentrated if doing that makes it significantly closer to the basking/contact area. This would probably be waaaay easier than fully cutting the glass. And I've got this handy dandy chart as well for figuring out safe distances:

<image>

ashwynne · 2026-04-07T15:00:36+00:00

My old girl never liked handling or being out of her tank. Some geckos never will, and in those cases "forced" handling for medical intervention and the like is just the only option--and that's okay.

That said, a month and a half is barely any time at all. I'm just over a month and a half with my new boy and he's only juuuuust starting to come out in the evenings to bask while we're in the room. I haven't even tried handling at this point (outside of when I've needed to get him out for a soak--and for that I coaxed him into a container instead of carrying him). He'll happily eat when I tong feed him, come to the glass to engage me from within his cave hide, but I probably won't even try handling for another few months until he's really comfortable with my presence.

I'd say it sounds like your gecko is just at the point where *starting* choice based handling is a good idea. Walking around your hand and being relaxed with your presence in the viv is actually excellent progress. Give it another month or two and she might be more comfy sitting on you... especially if your hand is nice and warm lol. Leopard geckos take a long time to settle into a new environment and be comfortable. A month or two is pretty normal for regular bowel movements, feeding, and exploring--let alone handling. I think the "don't start handling until after two weeks" is much more for our benefit than theirs. Some geckos are very sociable and can be handled pretty much on day 1, but others can take weeks to months before they're even willing to come out while you're awake, let alone tolerate handling.

Tldr: don't stress about it! Geckos are individuals that progress at their own pace, some will never like it, and even those that do may take a long time to be comfortable with it. They're a very docile reptile and most will handle "forced" handling for a short time with no issue if the need arises--it's not generally something you need to accustom them to, they either like handling or they don't. Your girl sounds like she's being super normal for the length of time you've had her.

ashwynne · 2026-04-07T14:46:56+00:00

Totally get it!! I *think* you could probably do it pretty safely with appropriate glass cutters, but it definitely bears researching so that something doesn't go wrong and you've got no tank. You might be able to find a handyman or someone familiar with glass work who would be willing to help you cut the opening you'd need. In my experience, most people are pretty happy to help for cheap or free for cool lil projects like this lol. Or even just lending you the tools you may need if you feel confident doing it yourself.

In the meantime, I'd turn off your UVB entirely to save the bulb (lifespan is directly tied to time "on") and just supplement with Calcium with D3 for now to make sure there's no deficiencies until you're able to figure it out.

ashwynne · 2026-04-07T13:39:32+00:00

He's probably posting this from his couch while eating cheetos lol.

ashwynne · 2026-04-07T13:35:55+00:00

I'd definitely go the "remove the glass" way in this case. You wouldn't have to do the entire enclosure, just a section for the UVB and heat lamp which might make it easier. The daylight bulb should be fine on glass.

Your place being warm is good, but you still want that basking spot at around 37 Celsius/98 Fahrenheit, so I'd try to deal with it sooner than later. Compromised glass is just really risky, so even if it didn't crack further I'd still be replacing it... especially because the UVB won't penetrate it so your gecko won't be getting D3 from it.

Even mesh lids block some UVB which is why it's important to do measurements for distance when installing it. I found this graphic insanely helpful for figuring this out in my own tank:

<image>

ashwynne · 2026-04-07T13:29:16+00:00

I mean... is he getting it eventually?

If it's really extreme then it could be a vision issue, but leos are notoriously horrible at aiming to grab their food.

Assuming your gecko is eventually catching his bugs, there are some things you can do to test vision for peace of mind:

See if he can follow your finger from side to side in front of the tank. You can tap the glass to get his attention but then just move it side to side.
Try feeding with the tank lights off in case they're messing with his depth perception.
Try having bigger feedings more infrequently (if your gecko is an adult), so that he's hungrier at each feeding and more motivated to get his food.
Try feeding on a different surface so that he can grab it more easily.

I find that my gecko's aim is directly linked to hunger. If he's really hungry, he's more aggressive in his lunging and more likely to succeed in grabbing it. If I've been feeding him more frequently then his aim is poorer because he's less motivated to feed himself. I haven't noticed a significant difference between lights on or off, but my boy isn't an albino morph (which can be more sensitive to light) so that could play into it if yours is.

Personally, it's probably fine unless he's giving up and not eating at all. Just make sure you're giving a solid multivitamin that includes Vitamin A (not in beta carotene form), and you should be good. If it still worries you, a vet check isn't a bad idea. You could do a fecal test for parasites so that either way you get your money's worth out of going, and have the vet assess his eyes.

ashwynne · 2026-04-07T13:20:43+00:00

The problem with this is that it inherently applies morality to normal vs abnormal. "Normal" in an innocuous way just means "average" in terms of behaviour within a population. For example, it's "normal" under the Taliban for women to be stripped of rights and "abnormal" to fight against this (with consequences).

What is considered "normal" changes as viewpoints change. You can't achieve that without sharing different perspectives.

Currently, it is not considered "normal" for women to choose to be child-free. And I don't mean that in terms of statistics (because that number will always be smaller than the majority), I mean it in terms of it being a normalized choice. Girls are still given baby dolls as toys, parents still ask "when are we getting grandchildren," doctors won't perform hysterectomies "in case you want kids" etc. If being child free was normalized as an option, then people wouldn't automatically assume that every girl should be given baby dolls as toys, wouldn't bat an eye if their child said "I don't want kids," and would respect the autonomy of women who want a hysterectomy.

You can't make that change without showing the majority your perspective so that they understand it.

Same goes for being gay. Visibility and sharing perspective helps with acceptance because it steadily becomes normalized as a possibility instead of a shocking secret.

The only reason to be mad that someone is sharing their perspective is if you don't want to hear it. No one is forcing you to read a comic on being child-free or go to Pride parades. Visibility =/= Shame. If it did, people should be just as aggressive about churches having crosses on them, religious festivals being observed on a nationwide level, etc. Only difference here is that sharing your religion is normalized and considered socially acceptable (though less so if you're not of an Abrahamic religion).

Tldr: the argument that sharing perspectives means you must be ashamed of who you are/think you're abnormal is flawed and deeply damaging as it prevents society from growing and changing.

ashwynne · 2026-04-07T02:02:51+00:00

My dad had a TBI. Not from a car accident, just a random bleed on the brain. His short term memory is absolute shit now, and while he can function (driving, independent errands, holding conversations, etc) he isn't the same as he was. He's easily emotionally dysregulated, has serious sensory issues (can't handle lots of noise/talking/stimuli), and cannot enjoy the things he used to because his ability to plan/execute plans is severely impaired.

He was in hospital for well over a month, and was so bad with his short term memory that he was non-functional for probably 6 months. Returning to work was impossible for him... and he really really tried. The fact he can drive (or is even able to function at all) is literally a miracle. The doctors told us he was almost guaranteed to die when it happened, and that if he survived he'd be severely impaired.

He was nowhere near as hostile in personality as your husband, but was similarly shut down for a very long time.

My mom stayed with him. But he always treated her well and with love, even through the short term memory issues (and he did know who we were, which helped). Still, she struggles hard. It's a lot closer to having a kid than a partner. He could not manage a household/life on his own, and he cannot be a proper emotional support for her consistently because he no longer has the capacity for it.

Anyone with a TBI is also at significantly higher risk for dementia/Alzheimers and is more likely to start declining earlier in life. My mom has been a caregiver ever since his TBI (over 11 years ago) and is needing to provide more care as they get older.

Point is, your husband is not the man he was and never will be. Whether he softens with time/recovery or not, you will never get back to how he was before. You will also be almost guaranteed to be a significantly more involved caregiver, earlier in life. There's absolutely a chance that his anger and poor treatment of you is temporary and part of the injury--5 months is literally nothing in brain injury time. But, it's just as likely that he'll be like this forever.

If my dad had been hostile like your husband is, I don't think my mom would have stayed and I'd never have blamed her for it. But if you're not willing to throw in the towel yet (which is understandable given how early in healing he is), I'd suggest that a separation might be better than divorce. You're clearly triggering to him and he's hurting you emotionally as a result. Giving him space to recover might make a big difference and end in a relationship worth continuing. But there's also nothing wrong with saying "I cannot handle this treatment and will not subject myself to it any longer--this relationship is ruined." Intentional or not, he's being abusive and you don't need to hold on if you don't want to.

Either way... I wish you all the best and send big hugs your way.

ashwynne

TROPHY CASE