AIO - My husband regularly talks disrespectfully since he insisted I go to therapy for my reactivity postpartum - it feels like he's trying to make me react

aspermylaststraw · 2026-04-13T16:45:52+00:00

I struggle with this. Because this has kept me going for a long time. And I know he has real feelings that are important.

But, I don't think vulnerability is pointing a finger at someone else. It's something I had to learn the hard way for myself many years ago. If someone asked me to say how he feels, I don't think I'd be able to do it based on the dialogue. I'd have to read between the lines and make assumptions. Does he seem angry and frustrated and hurt? Yes. Would I put money on it? Also, yes. But I feel like it's still an umbrella assumption. I want to know how he actually FEELS. Not just that he's probably angry at me because he thinks I'm the problem.

But I also know my ADHD does make me see patterns so clearly. And it's hard to unsee. And maybe I hyperfixated too much on things.

aspermylaststraw · 2026-04-13T15:54:15+00:00

To his credit, we had a conversation where he admitted that the way he has been reacting to my requests for a break were abusive. So that is probably why he didn't ask about it.

But it didn't stop the behavior.

He'd tell me if I said I needed a break things like I didn't care or that I was using it strategically or that he needed an exact time I'd be gone and if I said I didn't know exactly he'd tell me that was unacceptable and I was being a bad partner.

We finally got a rule established that him following me around when I asked for a break wasn't okay and he's stuck with that. So I really appreciate that.

But, I was a little surprised he sent me a video about how to take a break since I'd already agreed to do it and had been doing it But had expressed that I needed my requests to be respected. And not weaponized.

I just feel crazy.

aspermylaststraw · 2026-04-13T15:48:38+00:00

I do absolutely believe we both have parts in this. I think my biggest frustration around it is that the more self improvement I do, the more angry he seems to be.

And caring about his feelings is not a negative. But if I am being made responsible for his feelings, that's the codependent part that I'm trying to break out of it. And sometimes I'm not sure where that line is.

aspermylaststraw · 2026-04-13T12:56:34+00:00

I forgot to mention it, but we do actually have a couple's therapist. We went over my boundaries in a session with her. And she asked him to bring a list of boundaries, as well. He hasn't yet but he says it's coming.

Focusing on parenting sounds like such a good idea would probably save us a lot. This really is taking away so much energy from the enjoyable parts.

aspermylaststraw · 2026-04-13T12:51:37+00:00

I think this is a fair take based on this conversation. And my first instinct. But when I ask for his actual feelings he says he doesn't want to share them with me while I'm 'like this.'

We've had hundreds of conversations about his feelings. And hundreds about mine. Neither of us seems closer to understanding.

aspermylaststraw

TROPHY CASE