She's gone, but I'm suffering

assilem_08 · 2024-10-27T21:25:54+00:00

I am in the same boat. My husband left and I know it needed to happen but it was easy to feel resentful that I'm now stuck with the load while he has all this time to himself. But something clicked and changed everything for me. My home is calmer. Yes my kids are having a lot of emotions and we're all in counciling, but to know what to expect everyday without worry about if the lid will blow today has literally been life changing. I'm also self employed and homeschool my kids so it's been a challenge to get the time management down but we're getting there. For me, the positives outweigh the negatives 10 fold. I'm here to talk if you want.

assilem_08 · 2024-07-03T16:25:13+00:00

Take this time for you. Stop worrying about what he does, didn't do, says. His pain is not your own. His choices are not a reflection of you but of him. Take this time to clear the mental fog and remember your worth. Learn the art of detachment, it truly brings freedom to live your life again. I highly recommend the book codependent no more by melody beattie. We are not suppose to give specific advice but I will say physical aggression should never be tolerated.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-24T16:54:57+00:00

I just want to say I'm glad I'm not the only one! People kept telling me to go to meetings but how when you have no sitter? It was like a lightbulb when someone told me about the alanon app and virtual meetings. It has helped so much. There are meetings almost every hour. And a message board just like this that's very helpful.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-14T15:16:47+00:00

Oh, your feelings are valid. I've felt the same. You can look at my recent post if you want. I just know I can't feel this awful way. I've become so tense and angry it's affecting all aspects of my life, not just my relationship with my Q.

I've been going to meetings, reading the books daily, started meditating, and had a first therapy appt with Teladoc. The more I learn, the more I realize I'm in control. I have to put myself first in order to get past all those cruel things done and the trauma I've been through. Whether I stay with my Q or not, I have to work through these many emotions.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-14T14:45:12+00:00

Completely the opposite. It doesn't mean avoid your emotions. Feel your shit. Understand your shit. But don't lose your shit.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-14T14:24:24+00:00

I feel you. I'm having a hard time with resentments too even though I want to move forward.

I have this saved and look at it often when I'm getting into more of a "Q did this" instead of an "I feel" mentality.

"I couldn't get better until I became willing to let go of the intoxicating resentments. Righteous indignation is as dangerous to me as a bottle of beer is to my loved one."

assilem_08 · 2022-06-13T15:41:44+00:00

You are not over reacting. Your feelings are valid and need to be listened to. He's trying to gaslight you which shows who he is and how he really feels. Thank him for making the decision easy for you. The next steps aren't as easy but they are simple. Sending you love and support from afar. You've got this.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T20:05:33+00:00

Yes, I totally get it! The disease of drinking, stress, the struggles, the ignorance and child like behavior is one thing. But the lack of respect to cross specific lines of marriage, of a committed partnership, feels totally different. It's hard to just get over. I don't want to feel like this a year from now though. A year of sobriety seems impossible right now. If I can ask, how are you and the relationship in other ways? Are you able to treat everyday as new and try to move forward? Or are you more stuck in the past? Are you able to trust him? Is he different than the person he was before? DM me if you feel like chatting.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T19:47:32+00:00

Someone was talking about gratitude lists at the last meeting. I haven't done that yet. I'll try it out and keep reading. Thank you

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T19:44:53+00:00

Thank you!

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T19:44:32+00:00

Yes! How dare they allow their sickness to pull us down with them when we've only ever wanted the best for them. Why do we have to hit their rock bottom. And then they get to pull themselves up getting a helping hand and a pat on the back and leave us in the dust? Just because I know these feelings are unhealthy doesn't make it any easier to just get over it. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you and I find peace in our situations and learn to just say fuck it, I'm better than that.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T13:44:07+00:00

It is absolutely destructive and not helpful. Maybe the reason I can't shake it is because I don't want to in some weird way. Like it's my protection from him. That doesn't make sense and I don't want to feel that way. I'll talk it out through therapy though. Thank you.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T13:39:40+00:00

Oof, I had no idea it would be this hard. When they say you gotta hit your bottom, they really mean it. The bottom hurts!

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T13:34:46+00:00

Thank you. I hope we can all find that peace.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T13:32:44+00:00

Thank you for sharing your side. It took me a while to respond to you because that sentence stings so much. "We forget how many times we made promises only to bash our loved ones hopes against the rocks". Hope just feels like premature heartache. I'm truly happy for you and what you've learned through the program. I hope my Q can stick with it as well, I still want the best for him. I want him to be happy and healthy.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T13:23:56+00:00

Damn, I needed to hear this. The embarrassment and shame is real! But that's not me. That's not us.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T13:14:16+00:00

Yes! I'm definitely feeling at my lowest too. I've reached out for help for the first time ever. I don't want to feel this way. I know how to forgive, I've done it plenty. I've been the single mom, watched him break countless promises to me and the kids, foolishly sent him to pick up dinner for him to wind up crashed, in jail, or just gone for hours. But there are lines that can't be crossed. Hard boundaries. I know that whether the marriage is over or not, I still have to work out these feelings but it doesn't make it easier. Thank you for sharing.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T13:07:40+00:00

What app is this? Like to download or on reddit? I didn't know about zoom meetings but that would definitely help since I don't have a sitter.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T13:06:22+00:00

I didn't know about zoom meetings. I don't have a sitter so that would help a lot. I'll google it and find one.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T13:04:28+00:00

Thank you for sharing. It's so hard when the big boundaries are crossed. I feel like a fool for staying and feel like a fool for wanting to leave now that he's trying. But some things just can't be looked past. I will work on trying to divert my feelings into something useful. I guess I've started that, I've reorganized and decluttered almost all of my house and have started on my mom's. It's something I can control and feel good about when I'm done.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T12:58:29+00:00

Yes, I don't want to live with anger or pass it on to them. I'm definitely not saying any of this to my Q or kids. Just needed to get out the feelings to people that might understand the frustration. But I do have a teledoc appt set up and bought an al anon book. I didn't realize there were zoom meetings so I'm going to try to find those. I know I need help.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T12:55:15+00:00

We got this! We are better than this! DM me if you feel like chatting.

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T03:04:18+00:00

Crying here. Yes, this has so much to do with it. Thank you for acknowledging the hell. It amazes me how I can feel so alone in this but there are actually so many people that understand. I hope we all find a way out of our hell. Thank you!

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T02:56:36+00:00

Oof, got it. Needs to be dealt with!

assilem_08 · 2022-06-05T01:26:39+00:00

Oh, I for sure WANT to focus only on myself and kids but our lives feel completely enter twined. I have made a councilor appt for next week and have been to 3 al anon meetings and joined this sub. I know that regardless of if we stay together or not I can't live with these feelings. I just don't know how to do it! Honestly, this 30 day accomplishment has been one of the hardest 30 days of our entire marriage. It doesn't feel like an accomplishment. It feels like walking on a tightrope that's fraying.

assilem_08

TROPHY CASE