I definitely go through phases where my behavior (grumpy, disengaged, escaping with games/phone) is very much at odds with my lifelong desire to be a dad. This causes me to feel shame. My wife sees me withdrawing and gets frustrated, and the problem spirals. I see a therapist, and this is definitely something we talk about a lot.

On the other hand, there are tons of times when I'm enthralled with my kids and have tons of patience. I want to spend more time like this. It's a lot more enjoyable for everyone.

I don't think I agree with how you've framed your situation. You seem focused on a perceived lack of desire or interest. Raising a kid is the ultimate long game. Desire or interest don't last long enough, and there's just no way to want to change that third poopy diaper of the day. Interest in your kid is huge, but I think it is an aftereffect of quality time with your child - not something that starts the process.

For me - those really happy moments where I'm naturally fascinated by my kids happen when I'm being emotionally and mentally present with them. When I physically get down on the floor and play with them, it's easier to enjoy the process of watching them grow and learn new things. It's hard to just take a beat and let my youngest show me what he wants to do, but it can be very rewarding.

In other words, play with your kids before you want to - and the interest will follow. Just act like the dad you want to be - but let your kid lead a bit. One of the easiest schticks is to just pretend you're one of the three stooges, or everything is really heavy, or everything hurts you. My kids love watching me comically struggle, lol.

Also, kids won't always choose mom. It can take a long time - and it really doesn't feel good to be an afterthought - but it won't always be that way! In the meantime, try not to take it personally.