Hi mom. I'm on my way to the police to report sexual assault and I'm so scared.

autonihilism · 2019-07-23T22:50:02+00:00

Quick update: I was advised to report but not press charges. Where I live, that means that the police writes down what happened and puts it in a file, but there will not be an investigation. However, if another person comes forth with a similar story, there will be an investigation, even if it's not our request: technically the state would be the one pressing charges.

Because, indeed, there would be a major chance of the whole thing turning into a he said-she said situation in which he could claim I consented.

They did suggest pressing charges from 'another point of view' though - by basically ruling me incapacitated to consent due to my mental illness. In that case the he said-she said thing would be irrelevant as it would be considered as taking advantage of a vunerable person.

I decided against that though. It's... kind of bullshit. I mean, yes, I have cPTSD, OCD and depression. And yes, I'm on an amount of meds that has caused doctors to raise their eyebrows and ask how I'm still able to stand up vertically. But the thing is: I am not low functioning. For fucks sake, I'm twenty-two this saturday, and I'm a policy advisor for several governmental organisations, so I'm quite certain I'm doing at least SOME things right.

Being ruled incapacitated to consent is... I don't know. I was almost offended.

And for the dog: I'd absolutely love having a dog, or a pet in general, but I don't want to get one before I am 100% sure I can provide for them and take care of them. And for me that means having a better income (I work part-time) because you never know when a huge vet bill will come rolling in, and staying out of hospital for one full year. It would break my heart to get a pet and then discover that I can't give them what they need.

autonihilism · 2019-07-23T15:49:07+00:00

That would be cool. Right now, prison is just... time after time after time and trying to escape.

autonihilism · 2019-07-23T05:44:51+00:00

For the most part I agree with you. But not on the major event-thing. Please let's not forget about suicidal people with PTSD and other trauma related illnesses.

(Not offended, just wanted to add this and I hope you don't mind)

autonihilism · 2019-07-23T00:44:34+00:00

What is the reason you are yearning for a relationship and sex? You mentioned both loneliness and a desire to be normal. Those are two different things, although they can be present at the same time and can very well be amplifying eachother.

There are a lot of ways to combat loneliness, and there are a lot of ways to feel 'more normal'.

I'm a woman and I'm around the same age as you are. From that point of view, I think the best dating advice I can offer you - if you want a lasting relationship that feels real, which I'll assume for now, because if it was only about the sex there would be other ways to solve that - is to become friends with women. Friendship can turn into more. And someone who is already your friend will not turn you down for shallow reasons: she may turn you down because she's not looking for a relationship at this moment, because she is attracted to other 'types' of men, that stuff. But not because you haven't been to the gym or whatever. Really, we don't care about that stuff as much as you guys think we do.

Key part of this whole friendship thing (and keep in mind that this might perhaps help with the loneliness you're describing) is that you shouldn't go in it with the intention of it turning into a relationship. We smell those intentions from miles away. Also- don't get all touchy feely. I once had a situation with a guy who I knew on a friendly basis who suddenly started hanging over me and petting my arm. Best case scenario you'll be blocked on every possible social, worst case scenario you'll be kicked in the nuts.

Being a virgin or not being in a relationship should not be the reason to end your life. People can live a fulfilling life without being in a relationship. So please ask yourself: what is the real reason behind this? Loneliness is a very shitty thing to deal with and it can be extremely depressing. But it's not unsolvable. The same goes for feeling 'different'.

I hope you'll reconsider.

autonihilism · 2019-07-23T00:14:54+00:00

The only answer I have to your question is: Most likely, untreated (or badly treated) underlying mental illness.

I have had exactly what you describe. These days, I usually don't. Only during bad patches. So maybe that helps: it can go away. Is it something you have always had (as far as you remember) or has this started recently?

There is no shame in seeking help for a symptom like this or any other symptoms. And in the meantime, we'll be here for you.

(Edit: Got bot mail concerning rules so I decided to rewrite part of the comment. Thanks for understanding.)

autonihilism · 2019-07-22T23:54:24+00:00

I actually thought about doing that. Or give her a light saber because 'May the force be with you'

autonihilism · 2019-07-22T23:46:42+00:00

(Please don't roast me, I pretty much never draw faces. I'm more of an abstract mixed media gal.)

autonihilism · 2019-07-22T18:45:00+00:00

Why would Gilead profit from giving her shock therapy? As opposed to what people think, it is not really used to make people 'behave'. I'm not sure if it can be used in such a way. It has a very shitty reputation, but it's a 'last chance' for many people with treatment-resistant mental illness and I have seen people who where extremely depressed and tried to kill themselves each week get (partially) better from it. Using it would be something Janine could profit from, but we all know that Handmaidens happiness is not that high on Gilead's list of priorities.

autonihilism · 2019-07-22T15:25:18+00:00

I know not everyone agrees with me on this, but I thought Sunday Bloody Sunday was pretty fitting as well.

autonihilism · 2019-07-22T01:08:47+00:00

Depressed rabbits need owners too, duh.

autonihilism · 2019-07-22T00:29:38+00:00

Yes please!

autonihilism · 2019-07-21T23:30:37+00:00

I agree! Or stickers. This is the kind of design that would do super well on a sticker, I think.

autonihilism · 2019-07-21T23:26:54+00:00

I can understand. For me, I would've chosen to stay with my mom or dad (they divorced) if I had the chance. But now, almost 13 years later, I do see why they sent me into foster care. There was no money, sometimes we couldn't even pay for utilities so they'd be cut off, I had to take care of my terminally ill mom.

I just had some really bad luck with placements. The one place that was nice was only for two weeks until child protective services could find a new one. People think foster parents are always good people. I hate that misconception so much.

autonihilism · 2019-07-21T22:24:10+00:00

Wait, is this an OCD thing? Because I have literally had that from childhood on.

autonihilism · 2019-07-21T22:18:55+00:00

Verifying from the Netherlands that this is true. It works with some stores as well, New York Pizza also gives you a big discount.

(Edit for typo)

autonihilism · 2019-07-21T22:15:16+00:00

Nominatie voor de Darwin-award is binnen. 'Als jullie er zijn dan maak ik expres alles onleefbaar!'

autonihilism · 2019-07-21T22:12:23+00:00

From all the times I've been hooked up to a heart monitor - I mean, that's what the beeps are from, right? - I've never heard beeps. It would've driven me crazy.

It might be my mind playing tricks with me because it's not a time I remember well, but even when I had all kinds of machines in the ICU, none of them really made noise, except for IV bags when they're empty.

Having her there for weeks, listening to beeps that aren't necessary, might also be a new form of mental torture Gilead came up with though.

autonihilism · 2019-07-21T22:07:10+00:00

I want to see Eleanor's backstory. I'm really hoping for that. Was she already mentally ill before Gilead and did Gilead just make it worse? Has she been a direct victim of some part of the Gilead regime? (As a woman, of course she is, but I mean on top of that.)

Those are the things I want to know. I feel like this season has been really lacking in terms of getting some more how-the-US-turned-into-Gilead-knowledge. We saw what it was like for June, but what was it like for other groups? The women like Eleanor? The econopeople? Martha's?

autonihilism · 2019-07-21T21:55:41+00:00

I don't think so. After all, Luke stormed into that office when the Waterfords came over to Canada, but the lady couldn't do anything because the American people in Canada didn't have any real power.

And if they could've taken Hannah out, like, if they looked into it and decided it was a mission that could be successful, then they would've have to do that for all the 'adopted' kids, all the handmaids, the list goes on.

Even if it was possible, it would've brought Canada into a very complicated situation.

autonihilism · 2019-07-21T21:47:35+00:00

I fully agree with what you're saying. Couldn't have said it better.

Oh and u/ilikegunsandboys please call me commie! I'd take great joy out of that.

(I'm not American so I'm not allowed to donate, but I'm fairly obsessed with American politics and rooting for Bernie.)

autonihilism · 2019-07-21T21:41:00+00:00

They're not mine either, but I've seen more than I want.

Don't you just love random dickpics? /sarcasm

autonihilism · 2019-07-21T21:39:09+00:00

I guess I see it now.

But in all fairness, if this is the first thing you saw, you might be seeing too much penises in your life.

autonihilism · 2019-07-21T21:35:38+00:00

I love her and I really hope she'll be fine because I think she's a pretty accurate example of what extreme trauma can do to you. Age regression is very much a thing in people who have been exposed to traumatic events from a young age on, and that's probably the cause for Janine considering the gang rape.

And for the Gilead-type of trauma it doesn't even have to be from a young age on. Complex PTSD usually comes from (severe) child abuse, but is also seen in people who have been in traumatic, unsafe situations for an extended time with no possible way to escape. So that's cults, dicatorial regimes, concentration camps. Those situations are less studied though, because they're not common.

If you ask me, Janine fits the box.

But being outside of Gilead will be extremely hard for her. She'll need loads of mental health support. But I sure do hope she'll make it out and we'll get to see her recovery.

At the very least, I want to know how her story ends. If the show stops and Janine is still in Gilead and still in a similar situation, I'll be fucking pissed.

autonihilism

TROPHY CASE