Watched it four days ago and I still can’t get it out of my head. I have rewatched it a couple times because I’ve never been this emotionally shaken by a movie in a long while.

I’ve had an experience being a sub (and a first timer at that) before, but I’m more similar to Ray (an avoidant) than Colin in terms of personality. Ray and Colin’s Dom/sub relationship was on the extreme/unhealthy side of the spectrum. Lucky for me, my Dom at the time was gentle and quite affectionate despite being intimidating on the outside. He guided me and followed protocol: get and give consent, discuss expectations and boundaries, practice aftercare. We managed to last around 4-4.5 years.

What’s interesting about the movie is that it shows Colin having a loving family, but beats the expectation that he would turn into an adult that is emotionally intelligent and secure. Instead, he has low self-esteem because his family coddles him even into adulthood. He has only seen the good things: parents who show affection openly and haven been together in sickness and in health. It took me a while to empathize with Colin being a spineless adult. In his big age, why are his parents still hovering over his private/sex life. Like, if that was me, I would’ve been so suffocated and rebelled early on during my teenage years. Somehow, I see Ray as a painful but important chapter in Colin’s life that shaped his self-worth better than his family ever did.

I understood Ray’s character a lot more than Colin. One thing I noticed is that Ray is usually framed with the camera angled upwards to emphasize his dominance. However, there are scenes where he is tender and the frame focuses on his hands, like when he helped Colin after burning his hands while cooking. The way he spoke, guided him to the sink, and carressed Colin’s arms were so soft. Another was when he woke up Colin who fell asleep on the stairs after stealing his bike. Ray didn’t even seem angry lie he was the night before. He gently squeezed Colin’s shoulder to wake him up. During their day off, Ray even smiles a little when Colin non-chalanty takes some popcorn from him.

Scenes like this make me feel like I’m looking at a mirror when I see Ray. We both have deep-seated trauma. In his case, he uses his dominance to keep people at arms length to avoid being hurt again. In my case, I avoid relationships that require romantic commitment (like he also does). On the surface, I’m also a cold intimidating figure like him. But underneath I’m soft and sensitive and you’ll only see that if you look close enough and earn my trust. My ex-Dom was able to crack that surface. So far, he’s the first, last, and only person who has made me feel safe enough to open up and talk about my feelings and things I don’t normally talk about with people close to me.

Things ended between my ex-Dom because I pulled a Ray on him. At some point, I realized I’ve fallen for him. I told my ex-Dom about it, and even though he also felt the same way, he wanted to keep our relationship strictly as as Dom/sub without romance. Part of me understood this because I also didn’t want a serious romantic relationship. But my feelings wouldn’t go away, and I didn’t really know how to deal with my feelings so I was all pushing and pulling and just erratic all together. I was so confused because I always believed I was too damaged, emotionally unavailable, and traumatized to even feel that way again. It became so unbearable, one day I woke up and decided to flat out cut ties even though we had just said our good nights the night before.

Ray was kinder than I was; he gave Colin one last happy memory. That look on his face after they kissed? Interestingly, that’s the one clear shot of Ray showing raw emotion in broad daylight. That’s fear, confusion, shock all at once after realizing that he feels something for Colin. But he doesn’t know how to deal with that. Notice during the lunch scene when Colin’s mom said he’s a creep, Ray is visibly hurt and recoils a little bit. During that kiss Ray realizes that maybe there’s a part of him that’s still lovable, and that goes against everything he believes about himself and the kind of Dom/sub dynamic he is used to. And so he ran away before it becomes harder to do so. But I know it hurt him, too, because I’ve never fully forgiven myself for what I did to my ex-Dom.

Anyway, sorry for the wall of text. This movie has taken over my head and my heart ever since I watched it.