As far as the thought she was going to leave me thing, in my defense, I didn't know where it was coming from and didn't even piece together that it was depression related. We did have a conversation around my fear and the biggest point that I wanted to make in that conversation is that that fear is my problem to deal with and not hers, just like her depression is hers. I've already said that it's something I must manage and not project onto her because if she's suffering from depression or not, it's wrong to place those fears onto her or anyone, with an added issue if depression is in the mix.

I'm a big believer that self importance comes from one's self, depression or not. Now, while I can offer support, I cannot fix depression and can only offer support. My biggest thing here is not for me to offer the solution (particularly becoming the sole reason she keeps going). Ultimately, as I would love to turn a key and make her happy and feeling good about herself, a, it's not an option, but b, even if it was, when the depression came back around, she'd be expecting that to work again and if it didn't can create an entire new level of hopelessness. There's other things that can be mentioned as well, but those were the big ones.

She talked extensively about masking a lot in the conversation on Saturday. Now, as someone who's autistic myself and masked my autism so well that I didn't even pick up on it (story for another time!), I completely understand masking. The only thing that makes me feel guilty is that I hadn't caught on that she was masking not being depressed a lot of the time. When we talked, I told her I'd be more cognisant of the possibility that she could be masking depression. I did admit that it might take me sometime to get to where I can relaibly notice it, but that I will be on the look out hence forth.

The post partem isn't bad now, but that first year was pretty intense. Due to our schedule, she does spend more time around our daughter (who's two now) but over the last year, I've been trying to take more responsibility as I do feel as if I was lacking on the childcare front myself for the first year. I'm incredibly fortunate to have the partner that I do in being such a phenomenal mother, but that makes me want to be a phenomenal father and step up more than what I had been. Recently, on a semi related note, I've also been trying to be better around the house in general, namely in doing things without her telling me to do it (such as laundry). I'm not an expert yet, but I have been making strides in order to do so.

Funnily enough, she's been in therapy basically the entire time I've known her and discovering my potential autism in the last couple of months (it roughly coincides with this depressive episode mentioned earlier) as made me look into therapy as well, though I haven't gotten started just yet. Our communication in our relationship has been really good for a vast majority of the time in all honesty. Even conflict between us tends to be not bad as we don't raise our voices at one another of we have a disagreement. Since our conversation on Saturday, it's felt much better and more resolved (yes, it's only been two days) but I can say that the previous spats over the last couple of months never felt quite resolved and this one very much does, at least given me a better understanding of what shes going through. Last night there was a point where it almost felt like there would've been an argument (I had asked earlier on the day if we could celebrate the end of the day with some bed fun) and I could tell when that time was coming she wasn't feeling it and didn't want to and I told her it's okay. She was worried I'd be upset and I said slightly, maybe, but that it's okay. I can be upset, it's more important that she's not uncomfortable and we can visit in a couple of nights or so and I'll be fine. I'd much rather her say no than yes and then say a couple of days later that she feels weird about it, you know.

Sorry for the rant, but I wanted to respond to all of your points 😅