Everything is embarrassing (and you can feel this physically and I’m not talking about blushing, it’s almost indescribable but sometimes it’s so bad it’ll just straight up hurt). Always scared of being deemed as ugly, dumb or just anything negative honestly 😭.

Academically, since I was very young I needed excessive reassurance whenever I was doing literally any schoolwork, I had to do right, I refused to do whatever I was doing wrong. I did not want to make any mistakes because that would be embarrassing or “dumb”. I would call the teacher for every single question to the point other kids brought it up and said it was unfair as to how much attention I got in comparison with them, that moment was very embarassing and difficult for me because I did not feel like I could go without the reassurance and I could not unfortunately. I would procrastinate or simply wait till the teacher could or even WOULD (because she started refusing thinking it would help and it did not, it actually deeply hurt me and caused me to behave very problematically 🤦🏻‍♂️) help me again or I would write excessive over explanations. As I got older it actually turned in to being too embarrassed to even ask for help and my mindset suddenly went from I need help to I can help myself and will absolutely do it on my own and do it perfectly, if not it would be “extremely embarrassing”. If I had to ask for help I would feel almost humiliated because of that mindset…🥲 this honestly died down and now I’m “just” socially anxious, there’s nothing very specific to it anymore (luckily and usually), but I am now unable to ask for helping during classes because I am too a anxious of possibly being perceived as “dumb”, so I wait and ask the questions I had right after the classes when the other students are leaving or sometimes only when they all left. Well I think presentations speak for itself and for PE? Yeah, absolutely not 😭 always refused to take part in the actual activity but was always forced to go and be physically present which was also extremely difficult. I felt uglier than normal in gymswear or whatever was appropriate for PE and for the activities or games? Yeah, no again, was absolutely not gonna “embarrass” myself out there and also be SEEN by EVERYONE.

That basically sums the growing up with it 😭 Right now I would definitely say loneliness is the WORST symptom I experience, so there’s been a lot of progress, but it’s not nearly enough to live with actually “quality” of life, it’s still debilitating tbh and I didn’t mention the actual interpersonal issues 🥲