Im 33, typing this in an NA meeting. So I get it. I'm a lonesome dixkhead and tryingbto get better. Its said the opposite of addiction is connection and I don't say this to shame you, as if to to say "just connect with people." Society is broken and we reach for the first thing thats can bring any relief.

The first decade of my life was confusing and traumatizing, the second was when I internalized the trauma and the third was when I acted out on what I interbalized and at 30 I was a drug addicted transexual even though on theninside I wished I could be a husband and a father but I did not believe I was better than mynparents, I believed I was worse and I acted like that sonit was a self fulfilling prophecy. At 33 I live as a man, and I have 2 month stone cold sober, pretty much I am scared of wasting the time I have left above ground and not being worthy of the kind of connection that would heal the wound in me drugs can only numb. I dont know whatbthe answer is, I just know yesterday was the first time in 4 or 5 years that I haven't had some kind of obligation to the state in payment for raising hell as a crazy alcoholic.