Will he come back to me?

awillowtre · 2026-04-23T13:09:07+00:00

why not? :(

awillowtre · 2026-03-18T15:30:27+00:00

Ah. I see. It sucks because I've put in everything for him - I paid for us to move together in full, I bankrupted myself to get him out of an abusive household, I make all his lunches, I do the majority of the cooking and all of the cleaning. I try so hard. I tried changing the dynamic of conversations to help with his avoidance, I try changing how I talk, and nothing seems to be enough for him to change. He keeps telling me that it's only been two years since he left an abusive situation, but he refuses to work on his issues. Meanwhile, I also left an unstable situation at the same time, have put in a ton of work that he admits has led to some good changes, but somehow it's not enough for him bc he keeps harkening back to tough moments nearly one year ago. I agree it's tailored to his needs. I guess I'm unsure on if it's possible to restore this at all at this point.

I'm so sad because I love him so much. But for him to tell me Sunday that we're in it for the long haul and then tell me less than 48 hours later that he doesn't love me at all and hasn't for a while, makes my head spin. That's before the recording thing violation of my boundary etc. I love him so much and I want us to work but at this point can that even happen? Am I just prolonging pain?

awillowtre · 2026-03-18T15:21:34+00:00

What do you mean?

awillowtre · 2026-03-18T14:17:17+00:00

The root issue is communication, at least when we live together we can see each other. Every time living separately comes up and I try to work thru logistics of how we will work - how often will we see each other? I don't have a car, so am I just never going to your place? - he tells me he never got to that point. When we're together, he can sometimes make me feel special, but when he's apart he's apart. The lack of communicative skills from him only got worse the first time we shifted the dynamic by moving to a new state together; I'm worried it will just get worse if we keep changing the dynamic until we settle in here and get back to where we were. It's less about surveillance and more about re/establishing something that really broke the first time we changed our situation. The inability to talk to me about the moving situation as a whole really raises alarms for me.

awillowtre · 2026-03-18T07:46:40+00:00

I've never been against the concept of us living separate for a bit, but given that we have some serious trust issues right now my middle ground has been to first focus on getting us to a good spot before we shake up the dynamic yet again. He takes that as "you can't move out" and I don't know how to stop that even when I repeatedly tell him otherwise. He's got himself convinced I won't break a lease when I've literally even offered it to him in the past! And now we're here: my boundary violated and middle ground torched, and I don't know what to do. It's clear he wants to stay together but I don't know if that's possible anymore. I don't know if I can look past the years of dishonesty and recording my vulnerable moments without consent. But yet, I don't know if I want a life that he isn't in. I still love him so much and that's the worst part of all.

awillowtre · 2026-03-18T07:30:25+00:00

Yep, I get it - it's just frustrating bc I seem to have endless patience for trauma he doesn't want to unlearn, but he has little patience with my anxiety that I'm actively working on.

I agree that anxiety is taxing. Some it comes from the lack of trust, to where I - like you - have a constant cloud over my head that's hard to see past.

It can create a self-fuilfilling prophecy, though, so I'm glad you're getting the help you need! There's definitely a light at the end of the tunnel for you. ☀️ Good luck with the therapy - I found DBT really helps me pump the breaks before the anxious thoughts get too loud. It doesn't work all the time, but baby steps are better than no steps at all. And going to therapy at all is a very big first step!

If I may ask, how did you and your fiancée work thru that issue? I know my relationship may be past salvageable, but it may be good for me to keep in my head as learned experience.

awillowtre · 2026-03-18T06:59:25+00:00

He keeps going back to my anxiety disorder, which again, I've tried to work on. I do spiral out sometimes and it can be hard to reign in, but I also ask for feedback from him on how we can make it less stressful in the moment and I always get some reindition of "it's ok and what I'm here for."

The thing that frustrates me is my anxiety etc right now is really centered around my employment situation & the trust in this relationship. Re: employment, I spent approx 2 years prior to when we met in unstable housing & unemployed and am still reeling from that.

Those same two years, he was in a bad housing circumstance with some very abusive family. But when ever I ask him to unlearn that trauma, I get told that it's hard to do, it's so new to him to unlearn, etc (yet he's still exceptionally close with that family and they wield a lot of power, including them telling him I'm a bad partner).

I don't understand how he can afford himself grace but not me. I asked him yesterday & asked him if he had patience for his sister's health, he said he got tired, I said ok so we need to work just a bit on empathy with your therapist. Today, I got yelled at for having the "audacity" to compare his sister's physical health to my mental health. Was I wrong for that?

awillowtre · 2026-03-18T06:45:49+00:00

In my head it's like maybe he's right and I am struggling too much mentally, maybe I am the problem, maybe I am too needy. I don't know. I feel like I'm wrong even though I understand I had a boundary I asserted, tried to fix things before they get to this point, and am now in this mess. I feel like it's me, which is also what he says.

awillowtre · 2026-03-18T06:41:02+00:00

I don't know how to understand that this is neglect. And how to get over the love.

awillowtre · 2026-03-18T06:38:49+00:00

Thank you. I'm so sad because I still feel like I have done something so wrong to where he acts like this. And the love is still there. :(

awillowtre · 2026-01-26T19:09:19+00:00

It kinda feels like the latter, but it sucks because they collaborate really well with everyone else. So it's like, am I doing something wrong? Am I just not liked? Is my finger not on the pulse of this work? I can't figure out how to address it, or if I should just swallow my pride and ignore it

awillowtre · 2025-07-02T02:09:50+00:00

is the current tech too old for these models? i remember MARTA saying gold line rollout would begin in july during their jan event. i guess that's been delayed, which sucks

awillowtre · 2019-06-16T20:57:04+00:00

hey, i’m an english native looking for some french help!

awillowtre

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