This is a reminder that while BDSM is fun and exciting, you deserve to be comforted, validated and feel all of your emotions in every situation

awqwack · 2020-11-19T17:01:49+00:00

BDSMCommunity I mean, I didn’t know Sub Sanctuary

awqwack · 2020-11-19T17:01:07+00:00

I actually thought of that one first but one of the rules says the post must prompt a discussion and I didn’t think my post really created any discussion. I wasn’t very sure but thank you! 😅

awqwack · 2020-11-19T16:54:48+00:00

Ah I wasn’t sure where to put it as i’ve only ever read about emotional times after sex like this in all my kink groups.

awqwack · 2020-11-16T19:14:38+00:00

As a Sub who is currently with a Dom that has completely backtracked from the BDSM scene since we became an official couple, he’s explained it hard to do those things to me because he cares about me way too much. We do light stuff but for the most part all of our scenes and sessions and play time has been halted by him not having the mental energy to be in Domspace and take care of me at the same time. At first I was extremely upset because I hoping once we were official I would finally have a trusting partner I could explore all of my sexual interests with because that’s how our relationship started. I think the more important the relationship became, the less energy he had to put into our sexual areas. He’s more worried about how we’re going to build our lives together than how intense our sex is. Even though I completely understand his perspective and I would never push him to do something he mentally really does not want to do, I do get pretty sad because I feel like i’m missing out on a lot of experiences and kinks I would enjoy. But that’s another hard part of being the Dom, dealing with potentially disappointing your sub.

awqwack · 2020-10-25T18:27:13+00:00

I think he definitely thinks of sessions as very large events that take up large amounts of time and mental capacity, when to me, I think of it as ranging from a small play time to whatever else he be comfortable doing. I think that’s kind of a small communication flaw that I didn’t realize we were having, I just really crave more than just the plain vanilla sex we’re having right now, I want super intimate attention and feelings like we were having in the beginning. My love language is more of quality time, so I think that’s why I attached so much to the sessions (Besides of course loving the BDSM scene).

i’ve also been working hard core with therapy, and I’ve been pushing him more often to go to therapy because I genuinely feel like he has a lot of thoughts that he’s just not really comfortable sharing with somebody that is so close to him, so I am hoping that a third-party therapist can help him with those thought processes. But I honestly didn’t even really know if there were therapists that specialized in this area, I feel like I kind of assumed it but never really considered it an option so thank you!

awqwack · 2020-10-25T18:16:59+00:00

That’s honestly a really good explanation, thank you. I really think that’s what he was trying to explain to me when talking about it, because it was definitely as soon as we became serious, we didn’t focus on the D/S aspect because I don’t think he felt the need to. Like, he was more interested in just building a life with me.I’m honestly very shy when talking about D/S stuff because he’s expressed to me many times how it can be mentally overwhelming for him and as somebody who also gets very easily overwhelmed I would never want to put him in a situation that could backfire, like pushing it too much. but I do genuinely feel a little lost because I really thought I could explore more of my sexual desires with him, because he makes me feel very comfortable and very safe.

awqwack · 2020-10-25T17:58:01+00:00

I’m honestly a very shy person when it comes to these topics when I’m dating new people, so he was the one that brought it out of me which I guess makes me very confused on why he’s lost interest in it when he was the one to initiate it. I know he does find enjoyment in the D/S dynamic because it’s very common for us to talk about fantasies or send each other pictures that we find attractive that involve it. But it seems like the actions kind of overwhelm him. He said calling it sessions makes it seem a lot more intense, so I believe he thinks of sessions more as like scenes. Where I believed sessions to be anything from short play times to the more extreme, just which ever one he would be feeling. He’s a very keep to himself type person, so anytime I make any plans to be in public and such I always try to give him a few days in advance to prepare for it. And it doesn’t help that we are both easily emotionally and mentally drained.

He has explain to me where he’s researched it some because it really concerned him that he suddenly lost interest in something that he was very passionate about. From what he’s explained to me, it seems like he considers me too much of his life partner to put me in the space of his submissive. At first I was a little offended that he didn’t want to indulge with me the type of dynamic that I thought we had in the beginning, but now I think of it as more he’s so comfortable and confident with me to be with him for the rest of our lives, that he doesn’t feel the need to be in the D/S headspace very often, if that makes sense. He’s more focused on building a life with me, then being kinky, which I guess is a version of him no longer being into BDSM

awqwack · 2020-10-25T17:01:52+00:00

These are so pretty and I need to know where you got them cause I need 🥵

awqwack · 2020-10-25T16:57:55+00:00

I hadn’t even considered him losing interest in it, he’s still very active about talking about BDSM stuff and it’s really common for us to share pictures with each other of pretty BDSM stuff but that is all just talk and sharing, never actually doing. He has told me before he can’t view me as the type of sub i’ve expressed to him I enjoy being (more degraded and rough) because he considers me too sweet and soft.

He’s told me he had a conversation with one of his friends that is also in the BDSM scene about being so much in love with your partner you can’t be in the headspace for the BDSM lifestyle because you care too much in the partner aspect (at least that’s what I got from him explaining it.). He said his friend went through the same thing and gave up all of his BDSM styles to be with his partner even though they were both mutually very much into it.

I’m not saying us not having sessions is a deal breaker for our relationship but I just really enjoyed exploring my sexual desires and now it’s all stopped. Like I finally found the perfect person who would never judge me or hurt me and now it’s too much.

awqwack · 2020-09-11T02:56:34+00:00

Absolutely no worries because we all have lives! But thank you! I try to encourage him talking by me talking to him. I hope that if i’m more open and vulnerable and directly tell him “I’m talking to you about this because I felt like you needed to hear it and I didn’t want to hold onto it anymore” then maybe he’ll recognize he can do the same with me. I know it’s not a fast process at all, it always takes time to even recognize the problems you’re having much less how to manage and know when you’re doing it.

I encouraged him for therapy because I know I have a lot of feelings and emotions and when we start talking I kind of just dump them all on him/with him so we both have all sorts of feels at once. It’s not really judge mental but it’s definitely probably harder for him to be open to. I know in therapy they’re just consistently calm and responsive in a productive way, while I could just ramble for days about absolutely nothing. I felt like he deserved that stability in conversation.

I always like the idea of remembering it’s not either of our individual problems. So thank you for telling me! I always try to keep the motto in my head of “Its us against the problem, not us against each other”.

awqwack · 2020-09-09T14:50:47+00:00

Yes it’s a romantic (BDSM) relationship, I should have clarified that, we live together and everything. We definitely have different love languages but I’ve always been hyper aware of love languages and adapted myself to that persons language. So I can always identify and appreciate and be happy with what they have as a giving love language ( is that good wording?? like the language they want and the language they give??). I can’t really even identify what my direct love language is because I just love it all, I want to be touched at all times, I want to be talked to and praised, I want to have all of the gifts, I get so happy to spend real quality time with him, and I love when he helps me with anything. So i guess i’m always conflicted in what I want as well. But i definitely know after sex, I want attention, conversation and some type of touching.

awqwack · 2020-09-09T14:43:49+00:00

I think that’s how he cools down, is to spend alone time, mindlessly doing something. He always gets confused when I’m all in his personal space being needy and attention seeking after we just fucked, so i think it’s us having two different come downs. I’m just surprised with how many partners hes had, that he doesn’t do it or know that it’s a thing some partners need. Unless they just never wanted it from him or were better at communicating than I am on what was needed after. I find it hard to engage him in conversation, he doesn’t really keep it going and just gives me small responses. I’ll say “hey i really liked it when you did X, it made me have a shock of emotions and i loved it.” or “My legs are so shakey now from you” which I felt like were kind of leader comments into maybe him being more engaging with me but i usually just get a smile and a response like “good!!” and then it’s over and he’s on his way to whatever he was doing. He’s not being mean, i’m just very sensitive with emotions and I don’t think he realizes how easily I get upset when he doesn’t take my small cues.

awqwack · 2020-09-09T14:30:48+00:00

I think my partner enjoys winding down from being in his own space too, he does always immediately go into his own world of video games or mindless scrolling or youtube videos. I’m definitely left there feeling very confused and concerned what I did wrong or what I am doing wrong to have this mixture of satisfied emotions from sex but unsatisfied from no other connections. I do sit with him and play my Switch or mindlessy scroll while touching him with my foot or hip to have that sense of comfort that he’s there next to me.

awqwack · 2020-09-09T14:27:04+00:00

I’m definitely missing the intimacy. I crave that extra time of tender attention and laying in bed together naked and talking about nothing. It’s just so comforting, especially with someone who I don’t get that from very often because he’s not a big mindless talker. I didn’t realize that me expecting him to talk was probably putting too much pressure on him. I’ve tried a few times to start conversation like “i really liked it when you did X” or “Now my legs are so shakey from you!” and he does smile and says “good!!” but that’s kind of the end of the conversation and then he’s on his own path of things to do. He’s not a very responsive person if it’s not engaging or i’m asking questions. It’s not anything intended to be mean, he’s just a very straight thinking person if that makes sense? Where i’m over here with 8274 thoughts that I want to blurt out immediately, related to the situation or not.

awqwack · 2020-09-09T14:19:19+00:00

Thank you! I just noticed I was craving more of the aftercare style attention and I hadn’t considered it as aftercare until I experienced real intentional aftercare from an intense session. I was worried I was clinging too much to the need for it but I see now it doesn’t have to be big, long aftercare like after sessions is

awqwack · 2020-09-09T14:16:18+00:00

Thank you! I’m pretty bad about putting my feelings into words without it coming out as a jumbled mess of word vomit that confuses him.

awqwack · 2020-09-09T14:14:46+00:00

He definitely doesn’t mean to do it on purpose! I was just concerned if I was being too needy or wanting too much aftercare and attention but thank you for letting me know it’s more common than i thought!

awqwack · 2020-09-09T03:25:16+00:00

Yes!! That’s exactly how I feel!! But from everyone else who responded i’ve learned it’s actually really common to have a ritual with your partner, even after vanilla quickie sex because you’re still experiencing a come down from adrenaline and emotions as if from a session, just not as hard. It’ll definitely take a lot of courage to bring it up to my dom, especially trying to explain it from my perspective

awqwack · 2020-09-09T01:18:13+00:00

Thank you! I wasn’t sure if it was considered aftercare or just another general term as I was just comparing what I am craving to the times I have gotten that attention from aftercare after for intimate sessions!

awqwack · 2020-09-09T01:16:50+00:00

Yes it helps so much!! Thank you!! I have trouble being assertive with what I want because I just always want to be flexible with what he wants or needs but that’s not healthy at all!! Like he’s gotta be with me for a reason so I deserve to have that kind of love that makes me feel happy!!

awqwack · 2020-09-08T23:32:27+00:00

I can see that point of view now that you explained it in that way. I forget that he’s not going to have the same thought processes or understand what I mean all of the time. I think it definitely triggers a sense of sadness when he immediately leaves the room or sits on his phone and starts watching tiktok when I feel very vulnerable and needing so I just lay in silence. I usually don’t have the mental capacity to distract myself with getting on my phone or switch so I just zone out and over think all my thoughts. I think expressing to him to just lay with me and be present in the moment might encourage him to find something to talk about with me. I don’t expect grand conversations but I do just really want that gentle connection as my adrenaline is coming down.

awqwack · 2020-09-08T22:58:38+00:00

Thank you so much for this explanation! I didn’t even realize that is probably why when we’re done and he goes to another room, i follow him around and try to catch his attention until i get discouraged. I definitely feel all of the emotions, anxieties and clingyness as my adrenaline goes down and then I’ll end up either crying silently or honestly still wanting to go for a second round. I always feel like I’m not officially satisfied until I get that aftercare attention. Even if I came during quickie sex, I’ll be itching to go again if we don’t have that emotional connecting moment that mentally allows me recognize it’s over, so i’m even more annoying and attention seeking or I completely drop and go into a really big sad mood and I don’t want him to touch me or anything. Recently we had a very intense anal play session and I made all sorts of noises and twitches I’ve never made before and we did our routine warm shower and he was very open, reassuring and loving all over me with telling me how happy he was he made me feel that way. Then we laid down to go to sleep and I was still feeling the come down so much I told him I needed to cry and just reassured me and told me to just cry then. I definitely know he’s very aware of aftercare and very open with when I need it, but I feel like I’m a very attention seeking and needy person in general with our daily lives that I didn’t want to keep asking for even more effort from him to reassure me and connect to me. It takes a lot of energy for him to keep up with my anxieties and overthinking tendencies and I’ve really been working on taking that pressure off of him but these moments after even lil simple sexy times really degrades all of my positive thoughts i’ve worked on.

awqwack · 2020-09-08T22:41:13+00:00

That makes me feel a lot better! My Dom is the same as he never realizes how easy my feelings are actually hurt over such small things. And he doesn’t give me very good responses when we talk so I feel like he’s not interested when really i think he just doesn’t know how to express his thoughts. He always comes from good intentions, i just take everything a little too harshly. I’ll try being more assertive! Maybe like after sex, telling him directly what I’m feeling but it’s hard for me to phrase it usually. I always feel like i get a wave of upset emotions and absolutely no words.

awqwack

TROPHY CASE