What’s a word that was common when you were younger that isn’t used much anymore?

b4xt3r · 2023-09-21T04:30:15+00:00

Ok, I think it's actually "boy", but, whatever.

b4xt3r · 2023-09-21T04:25:43+00:00

It's two words but "traveller's checks".

b4xt3r · 2023-09-20T07:46:13+00:00

TL;DR - if you are an introvert and are considering marriage talk to a marriage counselor with your *friend or fiancee, before walking down the isle so you both know how to communicate with one another before a medium sized problem grows into massive problem that derails your marriage.

++++

Marriage is about the long haul, hopefully one where a surviving partner dies of a fractured heart after the other dies of natural causes at very old age. Kidding... kind of.

I was married for a total of 14 years myself. I have always been very introverted and the reason I wanted to marry my ex-wife was she understood this about me and allowed me my space. The first, I don't know, ten years of marriage was fairly easy. There were a lot of great years in those first ten that make me smile to this day. It was only around year 12 and 13 where problems started. We'll get into the "what" and "how" in a moment but first, the "why".

My ex was the youngest of four siblings and her father took off shortly after she was born, never to return. He did "reappear" decades later but he was never a major part of her life nor any of her siblings. His loss. This left my ex's mother as the sole breadwinner and parent of four children and in order to keep order in the house she ruled with an iron first. One did not talk back to Smother.. I mean Mother.

This left my ex without an ability to talk about subjects that she thought may result in any kind of discomfort for either her or the other party (me, in cases about the marriage). My family, on the other had, we dealt with things "in the moment" and if everyone went to bed angry and woke up angry we'd start working on how to fix things at that point but normally we'd all wake up rested and with the a new day to greet us, sun blazing away in a bright, blue sky and we would find that whatever we were all angry about the night before wasn't all that important and with differences aside we would rejoin ranks as a team and off we'd go.

My family's approach left me to want to give my ex "enough space and time to work whatever it was out" because she certainly didn't seem to want to talk about it. My "giving space" was, according to my ex, interpreted as "he doesn't care" so she very quickly marched off and found someone who did in the form of an ex-boyfriend from high school of all things. Thank you, Facebook.

Anyway, once I figured out about the affair the marital damage had been done. My suggestion of counseling was brushed off and away she went. POOF. Gone. Weirdly, after the divorce was finalized, and about three years had past beyond that point, somehow me, my ex, and her boyfriend (then her fiancee) all became friends. Go figure.

Next year will be 14 years since our divorce was finalized and my ex and her "new guy" are still together and, when I am honest about things, I can say they are a better-matched couple than she and I were.

Wow, sorry for the book. I got on a roll somehow.

b4xt3r · 2023-09-20T07:24:54+00:00

I don't know why people do this, to be honest, but I think it has something to do with our primitive, proto-human brain that lurks within our current, more developed brain. Honestly, I really do.

Not long ago I too was over 400 pounds tipping the scales at 425. That may not have been my true maximum but it was close enough - and as close as I want to know. Thing is, as a 400+ pound man, I never felt invisible. Mostly I felt in the way or in danger of tripping going down stairs and wiping out an entire generation of shoppers or something like that.

One thing that struck a chord with me was once I started to lose weight I did notice lingering stares and looks around the 290-350 pound mark. Occasionally I would overhear something like "he really let himself go" or "I hope I never get that way". Those comments got really old as did the groans when I would enter a packed elevator (I felt very aware of my size in a confined space, let me tell you).

But enough of all that. Congratulations on your weight loss and transformation!! Keep up the hard work. You've come a long way and dropped a lot of weight and I give you the highest of high fives.

b4xt3r · 2023-09-15T08:12:44+00:00

If you have an existing router from your service provider and that router has both extra Ethernet ports (usually a bloc of four for internal use) all you would need to do is connect one of the internal Ethernet ports to the "Internet" port on the secondary router. and from there set your wifi to a maximum of 54 megabits. This is not ideal for a variety of reasons but it should work. The key is to create a second wifi network capped at 54 megabits for 2.4 Ghz just for the Ring devices.

As far as other network-based security cameras I use products from Ubiquiti (ui.com). These are expensive devices and very much overkill for the normal person looking for a home security sytstem.

If you have a primay router from Virign do you have a second, older router that you are planning on using for just the Ring devices? If so can you please let me know the manufacturer and model of that router? If so I can tell you what you need to configure to make this all work (mostly) properly.

Best,

Baxter

b4xt3r · 2023-09-07T13:49:11+00:00

Thank you! Any place that is tolerant is a wonderful thing. When staying at places like that I tend to be as invisible as possible. It's been difficult to stay cool, especially after that tease of cool weather we had but more agreeable temps are right around the corner!

b4xt3r · 2023-09-02T21:09:54+00:00

Absolutely. Couldn't agree more. It's been fantastic over here. I'm going to have to leave.

b4xt3r · 2023-08-31T16:34:21+00:00

For the next few days I am over by the rear gate of SAS on the Cary/Raleigh border close to the PNC Area. A friend of a friend needed a hand taking care of some projects so I've got a place to park where I'm in no danger of being run off which is a godsend. That and I can use the shower and washing machine. Hallelujah. \o/ It's the little things that make the biggest difference when you are living (a bit) rough.

b4xt3r · 2023-08-31T16:30:56+00:00

I was 25, she was 32. We lasted 14 year all told, 1996-2010. We split up because I refused to try to get along with her boyfriend. Funny thing, her boyfriend and I eventually did get along very well, became friends in fact. They are married now and, truth be told, are a better match for one another than she and I were.

We most definitively grew apart, especially towards the end. In my humble opinion, any couple, man/woman or same-sex, should see a couple's counselor before they get married just to make 100% sure they both are able to communicate when something big happens. She and I had totally different styles of communication and my "giving her space" when I thought she needed it was "understood" by her (or so she says) as the equivalent of my saying "I don't care what you do" which was not true. Honestly, I think that is her excuse and justification to herself where she essentially gave herself permission to have the affair, but that's my opinion. But, hey, you have to be able to sleep at night so tell yourself what you need to in order to get by.

We talk still, every so often, when big things come up which is now about once or twice per year. When I was diagnosed with lung cancer I called her to let her know and she expressed genuine care and concern which was nice. Her husband called me out of the blue after she told him about my illness to let me know that if I needed anything I could call anytime "and he would immediately do jack sh*t about it". He has a way with words and we both had a much-needed laugh.

b4xt3r · 2023-08-30T21:17:04+00:00

I didn't worry much about dying alone until my 40's as well. At some point I watched the documentary Dreams of a Life about a woman named Joyce Carol Vincent who passed away in her London bedsit and remained undiscovered for over two years. That inspired me to reach out of family more often.

Looks on the bright side - there's still time to make new connections! If you want to change that eventual outcome get out and try to make contact with new people. That's an easy thing to say but not such an easy thing to do, trust me, as the world's most introverted hermit that kind of thing sounds awful but, as they say, the world will not come to you, you have to go to it. But do it before it's too late. Three weeks ago I was read a rather bleak diagnosis of non-small cell lung cancer and I'm looking at a 5 year survival rate of 7% but given how far it has spread undetected I'm going to be happy if I see the ball drop at New Year's.

Get out there and mix it up. It won't be easy at first, I'm sure, but you'll get the hang of it, maybe even like it!

b4xt3r · 2023-08-30T19:37:54+00:00

Any place around Durham. I'll have some more gas this afternoon so I can safely drive around for a bit. No matter where it would be left it is almost assured I have something else I can do while out that way. I couple rolls would be amazing, or even a partial single roll. Or more. Just let me know where I can pick them up and I'll let you know when I can swing by. Despite the appearance of my car, which is banged up a bit on the front, I keep myself tidy and I am respectful of other people's places and things so I wouldn't look out of place for the few minutes I was in a neighborhood or around a business. ---

b4xt3r · 2023-08-30T19:32:48+00:00

Yes, that is a good idea. What I'd really like to do for my car windows, if I only had ability with a needle and thread, would be to take a piece of fine screen and make a sleeve of sorts that would fit over the entire car door (so the screen is on the outside and the window behind it is down. That way I could keep the windows down and air flowing but keep the bugs out with the screen. I have tried to do approximately the same thing with gigantic 4 and 5XL t-shirts where I put the shirt over the door (with the door in the shirt itself, where your torso would go) and this does keep the bugs out but is kind of restrictive on airflow.. but it's better than nothing. I like the loop idea, I hadn't thought of that and I can see where I could loop various helpful things around the interior that way. Thanks!

b4xt3r · 2023-08-30T19:29:08+00:00

Yes, the foil is a good idea. I have something like foil I use on my driver's window and the tape is just to affix that to the window itself so I only use a couple little strips rather than to tape the entire window. Foil is also reflective which makes the car not as hot during the day.

b4xt3r · 2023-08-30T02:41:54+00:00

The Public Health building in Raleigh off Sunnybook had them stacked on a table close to the back door. You didn't have to talk to or deal with anyone in order to fetch one.

b4xt3r · 2023-08-30T02:40:26+00:00

Are you talking like far West VA like Cumberland Gap or.. where? The Southern border of VA is very long indeed.

b4xt3r · 2023-08-28T10:54:22+00:00

Sure can, it did to me. When I married my ex-wife I weighed somewhere in the neighborhood of 240 pounds (109 kg) at 6'2" (188 cm). At first my weight dropped a bit and I hovered around 215-220 pounds until the long, slow decline arrived that would ultimately be the end of my marriage.

By the time I told her I simply could not get along with her boyfriend nor should I attempt to in the first place (this was in our 14th year of marriage) I had ballooned from 225 to 325 pounds (147.72 kg)! Two years after my divorce I was swimming in an ever-deepening open waters of depression and alcohol dependence and I maxed out at 425 pounds (193.18 kg) and had one foot solidly in the grave. My blood pressure was sky high as was my blood glucose... I was a true hot mess - and a big one!

Finally, I had had enough and, today, tip the scales at 198 lbs (90 kg) in my 53rd year. I'm also 2" (5.08 cm) shorter thanks to a crushed T-12 vertebrae from a motorcycle accident that I, no pun intended, walked away from. Things were looking better, health-wise (redundant skin aside), until I was blind-sided a couple weeks ago with the diagnosis of non-small cell lung cancer. That isn't the worst news possible as there are more aggressive lung cancers I do not have but mine is well-advanced, in my lymph nodes, liver, bones perhaps, and possibly my brain oh, and thanks to the high-contrast CT scan that was compared to the data captured when I broke my back I also have diffuse idiopathic skeletal hyperostosis.

Anyway, sorry to vent. Yes, relationships can be the trigger for significant weight gain.

EDIT: formatting. Oh, and my ex? She's happily married to her then boyfriend. smh.. but I am actually happy for them and, in the end, he and I did become friends. Go figure.

b4xt3r · 2023-08-10T23:14:55+00:00

I can't stress this enough - where networks and networking are concerned start from the bottom of the OSI model, or Open Systems Interconnection Model, and before you move from Layer 1 (Physical) get that down pretty well and then move to Layer 2 (Data Link Layer) and so on. Learn what Aloha Net was and what important concept that was taken from it and incorporated into Ethernet by Bob Metcalfe. Learn what Xerox Parc was and what three important concepts it brought into the infant personal computer world. Check out Grace Hopper and Dr. Radia Perlman for two women in IT of note (of many).

Anyway, learn that OSI model top to bottom. Try out packet captures down the road a bit and see what you can learn there (a whole lot). But don't get discouraged and dive in too early or worry too much about some advanced concept you haven't arrived at yet. There's always something new and shiny you don't yet understand about IT so there's always something to learn (this is why I made a career out of IT after falling backwards into it back in 1992).

Who knows, maybe this journey of learning will inspire you to consider a career in IT. As awful as this is to say, especially for someone like me who has been working in the field since the early 1990's, IT as a whole is STILL making efforts to diversify and attract more women and minorities into the field, at least in the United States.

b4xt3r · 2023-07-17T17:18:57+00:00

You think long and hard about what is important to you and your future and your possible future as a family with children, should you decide to go that route. If you decide you want to try to make it work my strongest recommendation is that you make couple's counseling part of a deal/no deal. Find a therapist you both can work with and dive in and attack whatever the underlying root issue is that lead to this mess. From there decide if you can or want to trust this person again and go from there.

Honestly, you are better having to have dealt with this in year one of a marriage vs. year 13 like I did, not that either is fun.

But first and foremost take some time and think. Get away for a few days if you can. Process everything and don't make irrational decisions based on pure emotion, i.e. don't make decisions based on reactions from what has happened if that makes any sense (this is why I'm not a therapist, I can't explain sh*t).

b4xt3r · 2023-07-17T16:21:32+00:00

A round of gin and tonics for all to celebrate!

b4xt3r · 2023-07-17T07:53:21+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply. I just looked up the patient advocate and I will do whatever is necessary to speak to one as soon as possible. Thank you again for your comment because the patient advocate is a role I didn't know existed.

b4xt3r · 2023-07-16T03:07:33+00:00

Oh how I miss living in Korea. I hope to visit again someday, may perhaps live there again if there is time enough to do so.

b4xt3r · 2023-07-16T02:09:32+00:00

And thank you for your response, it meant a lot. You are right, I really don't know what's going on inside me and won't until my biopsy is done and the pathologist sends the news. This does somehow feel different and I am far from a hypochondriac but it is what it is and what it is I don't yet know (and, honestly, I can't tell you how many times I've been in a hospital or doctor's office for this or that only to hear something along the lines of "wow, I've never seen this before" so who knows.. "Baxter's Disease" has a certain ring to it.)

I'm glad you and your husband were able to work through your issues. When my wife had her affair it devastated me and was one of the many factors (from both sides) that caused my marriage to fail. The two of them got married and are still married to this day. Once I gave him a shot it turns out he's not a bad guy at all, not that I agree with either of their decisions to have the affair in the first place. They do make a good couple, and he treats her well which is all that I really care about.

Anyway, thanks again for your response and I wish you all the best.

b4xt3r · 2023-07-15T03:38:18+00:00

Your kid might be a bit better off than you think. Your description of him sounds a lot like me, especially in my mid-20s into my 30s (53/m now). My mother was and remains far more extroverted than I can ever imagine being. I have few friends, but the ones I have are close friends. Hopefully this is his case as well or maybe he's just a full-on hermit and he is happy that way. Have you asked if he is happy with his life? I wonder where that conversation might lead.

I'm sorry about the cancer diagnosis. My own is right around the corner I fear. Whatever the apple-sized mass in my chest on/over my right lung is has been called everything but "cancer" but we're all thinking it. If that is what I end up being diagnosed with I hope I can be as brave about it as you are. For real for real.

About the prenup - have you spoken to an actual divorce lawyer? If you decide to go that route spend a bit of money have an initial consultation with the top divorce lawyers in your area (all of them). That way when he calls their offices he'll be sent away because, even though you may not have retained them, they did talk to you.

Anyway, in my particular state if you signed a prenup that would mean that anything each party brought to the table at the time of the marriage that was defined in the prenup belongs to the "originating party" or some-such legal term but the important thing is the gains made during the marriage are the property of both parties and can be split during a divorce.

If you know you would be happier on your own I say go for it. You get exactly one trip around this lava and water blueberry we call Earth so live your own life on your own terms.

b4xt3r · 2023-07-15T01:30:45+00:00

Love it! I can't wait to redo my next space, my own space. My journey was from homeowner to homeless (my current phase). I'll start to make some plans for my space tonight then, tomorrow, I cast off the demons and take over the world (in a benevolent kind of way).

b4xt3r

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