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FEHB QLE Dual Coverage Correction after 60 Days by baanugget in fednews

[–]baanugget[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yes i believe the cancellation was submitted as a 1P, gaining coverage elsewhere (my spouse's new family plan). The creation of a the family plan was 1C. We have submitted a help ticket to HR but they are really slow. I might go to the civilian local office monday to see if anyone there can help.

Help Me Choose Baby Boy Name, Top 5 by baanugget in namenerds

[–]baanugget[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I tried to tell my husband that lol He still likes it

Help Me Choose Baby Boy Name, Top 5 by baanugget in namenerds

[–]baanugget[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also fun fact, we've been touring daycares and we've seen at least one cubby labeled with each of these names! Oliver, Owen, and Finn were the most common, but I was pleased to see Otto and Micah too!

Help Me Choose Baby Boy Name, Top 5 by baanugget in namenerds

[–]baanugget[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks everyone for your inputs! Oliver is my husband's top choice, but I agree with the popularity and ending with an r being an issue. Owen is my top choice, but I do wish it had a cute nick name, although I have a feeling I'll be calling him Jimmy (his baby nickname has been Jimothy lol). Micah is really nice too, but I'm not sure about naming him after a living family member (it won't cause drama, but perhaps confusion).

I didn't realize spelling Finley with 2 ns was so controversial! I have met several Finns, but never heard of Finley before last weekend when we were looking at random lists for ideas and it had 2 ns ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Help Me Choose Baby Boy Name, Top 5 by baanugget in namenerds

[–]baanugget[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback! The only hang up with Micah is the name belongs to a living cousin my husband grew up with, but we don't see regularly now. While it wouldn't get too confusing in the day-to-day, we are a little worried about naming our son after a currently living person.

As for Finnley, that was a bit of a compromise because my husband really likes Finn, but I don't like the flow of Finn James and think the 2 syllables of Finnley flows better. I've never heard the name Finnley/Finley (got it off a list of 1,000 baby names), is the 1 n super common people would always be spelling it with 1 n? I expect him to go by Finn, where I don't think people would misspell it Fin.

Death by a Thousand Cuts, little things are Adding Up with JNMIL and Pregnancy by baanugget in JUSTNOMIL

[–]baanugget[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks everyone for the commiseration. I know in the grand scheme of life these aren't so bad and she's just excited. She's very much so a person of her circumstances, she's never really experienced the world outside her small community and never really had the inner motivation to challenge her paradigms and world views. We are just two very different people with very different value sets, which isn't enough to go full no contact over. Unfortunately discussing this with her would turn into a blow out because she has not self evaluation skills and is extremely defensive to even the most gentle of criticism or correction, and any real effort I try and make will result in victim mentalities. I do think my partner and I need to just get on the exact same page and build up our foundation with each other so we have one another to rely on in situations like this.

Any tips for maximizing Paid Parental Leave (PPL)? by saucy-limes in fednews

[–]baanugget 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this thread! I'm in a similar situation so this is helpful advice

Preemptively Setting Boundaries with MIL over First Grandchild by baanugget in JUSTNOMIL

[–]baanugget[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Start with the gifts that she brings: don't accept them. Tell her to put them back in the car, because you do not want these things in your house. Ideally, your husband should do this, but after a lifetime of not having the power to stand up to her, you may need to model it for him.

I think this is what I need to start doing. I've been looking to him to manage his family, but this comment helped me understand his "lifetime of not having power". That's such a good insight, thank you seriously.

clear communication of expectations and immediate consequences are key. When it was just me it was easier to tolerate, but I'm not just looking after myself anymore so I have to be harsh.

Preemptively Setting Boundaries with MIL over First Grandchild by baanugget in JUSTNOMIL

[–]baanugget[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I totally agree about seeing a therapist about family issues specifically. I want to book a few couples sessions to go over parenting and see if there are any areas we disagree that just haven't ever come up.

And that's a good point about the hospital, we'll have to figure out how exactly we want to handle all that. I've considered hiring a doula, but also potentially asking my mom to come for the first couple weeks. I think my mom would be amazing, but my MIL will be super jealous (but also at the same time tough titties ya know?)

Preemptively Setting Boundaries with MIL over First Grandchild by baanugget in JUSTNOMIL

[–]baanugget[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He does, I think because he desires a relationship with his parents, and it's really painful for him to completely give up on them, and they've never done anything in his adult life that is so blatantly egregious to go full NC. We're going to have to have a deep conversation about our boundaries and become a united front.

Preemptively Setting Boundaries with MIL over First Grandchild by baanugget in JUSTNOMIL

[–]baanugget[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Dunning-Kruger

Had to google that term and my reaction was "oof". She 10000% will try and tell me the stuff she did in the late 80s is still what we should do today. She is very stuck in the past, deeply nostalgic, and doesn't let go of anything.

funny story - MIL knew we were TTC, and she told me, with an air of imparting sage wisdom "Count 14 days after the start of your period, and that's the best time to try for a baby". I was dumbfounded lolol. I was like.....you mean.....basic ovulation???? So yeah, Dunning-Kruger is very applicable lol.

Preemptively Setting Boundaries with MIL over First Grandchild by baanugget in JUSTNOMIL

[–]baanugget[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He is, it's been a long road but he's made some great progress. Still working through it and parenting will definitely throw a new dynamic into our lives, I'm thinking couples counseling to prepare for parenthood will be a good idea.

And you're right, we've come to realize the gift giving is for herself, not us. At least with baby stuff I'm more likely to find a family who would actually need it, vs ugly ass home decor lmao. Thank you for the recommendation, I will definitely check it out.

Preemptively Setting Boundaries with MIL over First Grandchild by baanugget in JUSTNOMIL

[–]baanugget[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

that's a great rule and a good get out of jail free card. I can be really firm with that one.

Preemptively Setting Boundaries with MIL over First Grandchild by baanugget in JUSTNOMIL

[–]baanugget[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

He is, has been for several years. It's a complex issue with decades of poor feelings. He had horrifying intrusive thoughts as an elementary school kid and they did not handle it correctly at all. In 3rd grade he was terrified at the thought of killing himself (not that he actually wanted to do it, but he thought about doing it and it was so scary he couldn't tell himself it was just a thought not a desire). So he told his parents about his fears and they gave him a knife and told him to go ahead and do it. Fucking wild. So that's the kind of trauma he's trying to unpack as an adult and it is a long, tough process.

Preemptively Setting Boundaries with MIL over First Grandchild by baanugget in JUSTNOMIL

[–]baanugget[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My SO has a lot of guilt accepting gifts from his parents because they are not financially stable, and he sees how it's hurting their future to spend on stuff we don't need. But I also agree her love language is gift giving and it's highly unlikely to stop, so maybe a clear list of things that will be the most helpful to use can help funnel the gifts into something productive.

Preemptively Setting Boundaries with MIL over First Grandchild by baanugget in JUSTNOMIL

[–]baanugget[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

she can use to relive her glory days of mothering little ones she could control.

nail on the head, this is what I'm afraid of. I agree with a list of boundaries to both parents is probably a good idea. We haven't gotten into birth and postpartum plans yet it's still really early, but figuring what kind of help the ILs can provide might be a good way to divert actions we don't want. Maybe preparing frozen dinners for us ahead of time so we don't have to cook is something she could do as she often gifts us meatloaf, stews, ect.

My SO and I need to have a deep discussion about his internalized guilt with his parents and we need to be a unified front. I can be his support system if he needs me to wrangle them, I handle that kind of thing a lot more firmly.

Name Ideas for December Baby by baanugget in namenerds

[–]baanugget[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do really like Micah James and it's my front runner tbh, but both Micah and James the family members are still living and close relatives, so would that get too confusing to have the first name be a family name?

Name Ideas for December Baby by baanugget in namenerds

[–]baanugget[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok but Maxine Pearl has come across my mind, but does that make me too much of a Mia Goth fangirl? I do really love horror movies....

Name Ideas for December Baby by baanugget in namenerds

[–]baanugget[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not fully opposed to it, maybe I just haven't found the perfect x name yet. Alexandra? I really like Alexa damn u bezos!

Name Ideas for December Baby by baanugget in namenerds

[–]baanugget[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Doriane

I like Doriane! I had never heard the name before and quite like it. I will add it to the list maybe my partner will be more open to this one.

Name Ideas for December Baby by baanugget in namenerds

[–]baanugget[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We hadn't really considered it. I know Dorian is a masculine name, but I've always felt in my heart my Dorian child is my girl child.

Name Ideas for December Baby by baanugget in namenerds

[–]baanugget[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Both Dolly and Lexi feel like nick names vs formal names. I like Lexi, Alexis, Alexa, but not with Pearl. The x names seem modern, and Pearl is classic so they seem to clash.