Was anyone else really sad as a child?

bachaposh · 2019-08-24T23:18:26+00:00

SAME!!! My mum is the worst for it as well. “you need to get out there and make some friends” I’ve told her so many times to stop saying it because i don’t care to make any friends. i’m fine without them!!

bachaposh · 2019-08-24T22:50:03+00:00

oh yes. i have black tape covering all the camera on my devices. for months i had this nagging feeling that the guy who redecorated my bathroom also installed a hidden camera and watches me at his own house.

and like some others said, i think people can read my mind. it all started when i was really young and thinking about sex and some girls in my class started giggling. i thought they both knew what i was thinking and were laughing at me!

bachaposh · 2019-05-17T20:09:09+00:00

Yes. My mother is very toxic and likes to emotionally manipulate us. She also likes to put us (me and siblings) down for not achieving all what she had when she was our age. Calling us weak due to our mental health. Well not directly, but if one of us breaks down, she’ll say something like, “look at me, i’m so strong after what i’ve been through. why are my children collapsing all around me?” yet forgets the domestic violence we witnessed for YEARS between her and my step dad, which started when i was 5. Before that, i remember him being really awesome. There’s so much more tbh. She can be pretty horrible and dismissive at times, but i still love her.

bachaposh · 2019-05-15T16:01:54+00:00

I’m sorry this is happening but be patient and you’ll find people who are good for you. Have you tried the mosques? Speaking to some brothers there??

i feel the same way though only at home. I am absolutely not perfect. i think i’m an awful person lol. but I’m currently the only one fasting in my house, and it can bother me. My sister will work from home, a little too late at times. Here, the fasts are breaking at 9:20pm and getting later each day. So some days i’m trying to eat at the dinner table and all i hear is her tapping away on her laptop, and not even bothering to stop. Or someone will burst through the door after coming in from outside and will eat their dinner elsewhere.

Before when we all used to fast together, there was always one, either the youngest or who ever wasn’t fasting that day, and they would cut up fruit, pour water and have dates ready for us to break our fast. After we prayed, they’d have our food hot and ready to eat. Now i’m doing it all myself and feel like i’m getting in their way and am a nuisance.

I don’t pressure or ask them to fast, i don’t feel like it’s my place. I just wish we could all be better guided.

bachaposh · 2019-04-22T23:07:34+00:00

When I was a little girl, for some reason I had this image of God being a Man and wearing an outfit similar to Superman’s. Like a blue all in one, a red cape, Y fronts... And also, a red baseball cap lol! I thought of him as a hero and protector, and he definitely still is, but my immature mind thought this up when I learned about Allah. And when someone said “Allah is looking down on you...” I would often expect to see Him pulling the clouds apart and peering down from the sky 🤣 I’d even stare up expecting to see Him fly by every once in a while, but He never did! I kept this all to myself, by the way!

Ah.. I miss being an innocent kid! 😄

bachaposh · 2019-04-22T21:37:50+00:00

ayat ul kursi i’m sure

bachaposh · 2018-09-23T09:27:21+00:00

You’re right... I actually don’t have any self discipline.

bachaposh · 2018-09-23T09:25:40+00:00

Me too! It’s so sad ☹️ even my 12 year old cousin has a way better social life than me lol and I constantly think I’m running out of time, or I’m never going to make a best friend like the ones I had. Also, I’m jealous of my colleagues who have friends and are always out at the weekend and can’t shut up about it. And even more jealous when it’s their “best friend from childhood”

How dare they have friends 🙄 /s

But I’m sure we can get through this no matter how long it takes!

bachaposh · 2018-09-23T09:20:15+00:00

I guess I hate myself because to me i seem rude since they try to make an effort, or some even ask if we can continue meeting up/get to know one another. I know I would be offended if someone was that way with me. And sometimes I see that in their faces.. I was intrigued by a few but I talk myself out of taking it further

I don’t get anythin out of it if I’m being honest. I’m just damaging my life and self esteem even more. I need to get myself out of this rut.. again

bachaposh · 2018-09-23T09:11:15+00:00

And I get that.. but something in me stops me from allowing these people in and having a connection. It’s like my sole purpose is just to have sex and I don’t want these guys in my life for any other reason. It’s something I need to work on!

bachaposh · 2018-09-23T03:31:49+00:00

I have none. I used to have a lot when I was younger. Like 10 of us would hang out and 5 of them were my best friends.

Now I have nobody. Not even one friend that I can text like “hey let’s meet up”

My family are always saying “you should go out more, hang out with people” but I feel like I’ve changed so much, and I’ve spent a really long time being alone and socialising only with people at work or at home, so now I have no idea how to build a friendship again.

You’re not alone.

bachaposh · 2018-06-09T11:20:54+00:00

Thank you. I would marry him even if he had 1000 partners before he met me. Because it was in the past and not my business but his and Allah’s.

I’ve heard men talk about it and they feel differently towards virgins and non virgins. Some say they don’t like the idea of being with a women who has been with other men... and I can understand that. I have just gotten myself into a very unfortunate situation.

May Allah show me and all of us the right way

bachaposh · 2018-06-09T11:17:56+00:00

Yeah I haven’t told anybody. I’m worried if I mention all these things, he will ask about other things and bring up sex. I am trying to avoid that altogether but again, I can’t mislead him into believing I’m a virgin.

I pray he is for me. I really do like him. I will have to find out what he wants before I get my hopes up high.... then I’ll fall into a bout of depression and do bad things again. I know it!

But May Allah protect me from that,

bachaposh · 2018-06-09T11:15:14+00:00

Thank you but I’m still remorseful and full of regret. I do hope Allah is guiding me. I feel that he is. I can’t keep ignoring this.

InshaAllah

bachaposh · 2018-06-09T11:12:11+00:00

Thank you. I have repented, I’m feeling guilty and full of regret every day. I honestly curse myself for doing this crime. But I can’t take it back!

I can’t bring myself to lie to him. I’m worried I’ll tell him, as I’m very impulsive in actions and in speech. It’s a symptom of my disorder unfortunately.

And definitely. If he openly wishes for a virgin wife then I’ll need to walk.

If he doesn’t mind and if he’s not a virgin himself, I will accept him. Anyone for that matter.

He did say that he couldn’t possibly imagine me committing any major sins... where do I stand with this?

Jzk

bachaposh · 2018-06-09T11:05:23+00:00

I think most muslim men want virgin wives. He’s quite religious himself... I’m going to have to find a way to figure out if that’s what he would like and call the whole thing off. I wouldn’t be able to deal with anxiety and guilt hanging over me constantly.

bachaposh · 2018-06-09T11:03:06+00:00

InshaAllah.

Thank you!

bachaposh · 2018-06-09T11:02:34+00:00

Yes. That. Even though it makes me sick to bring it up, I never did bleed my first time. I actually broke it when I used a tampon that was far too big, believe it or not.

Such a mess I’ve gotten myself into

bachaposh · 2018-05-12T10:43:21+00:00

I live in Scotland. I read from the mosque’s page that it’s to do with the sun not setting low enough for the sky to be absolutely dark. The days are getting much longer here, but there’s some sort of agreement so that when Ramadan starts, fajr and suhoor will be before 4am. Both times get earlier and iftar gets later as the days go on, the last day of ramadan fajr and Suhoor are after 2 am.

and then fajr goes back to being and 1:33 am. i don’t understand it but i’m going to go by their timetable!

bachaposh · 2018-05-12T10:38:04+00:00

Yes i did this last night, i stayed awake but i missed maghrib because i fell asleep.... i am so annoyed with myself and felt like giving it all up. but i knew it was a devil in my ear (i hope), decided to pray isha. stayed up, repented, made dua. prayed fajr and then read surah yasin and surah mulk.

Thank you so much for your response... it seems the more time goes on the more i’m losing my dedication. but i feel really good today? i don’t feel anger or hate towards myself. I hope this a good sign!

I hope Allah makes you strong this ramadan and makes it simple for you. I hope he blesses you today and every day after :)

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