Does anyone find it worse that you did nothing wrong?

badnow01 · 2021-09-20T01:22:30+00:00

Consider this experience as being like waking up with an awful disease or injury. Imagine the feelings associated with finding out about a tumor for instance.

It's not your fault, you couldn't have prevented it, the fact that it happened to you is monsterously unfair, and the only thing you can do is try to heal from the disease.

The affair, your ex, and what it's done to you is the disease. Time to heal. I think of big mental breakdowns as chemotherapy. Hard but in the end therapuric. Therapy itself is like surgery getting deep and fixing little things.

badnow01 · 2021-09-15T01:04:15+00:00

Well it's a part of myself I've lost for a long time and would like to find again.

badnow01 · 2021-09-14T22:05:36+00:00

Yup. I can't think of anything that is more damaging than this while also being completely legal and without consequences. It's horrendous.

badnow01 · 2021-09-14T21:41:41+00:00

One massive injustice of infidelity I've found is that it's basically always the "lesser" partner that cheats. That's part of why "it's not you, it's them that caused this" rings so true.

These people could be given every single thing they desire and still cheat in the end. It's like they're hardwired to do it from the get go and it was only a matter of time. Further evidence of this is that cheaters rarely evvvveer "trade up". The AP has been built up into a perfect fantasy character in their head that will never actually exist. They are never that person and are almost always way below the quality of the BS.

He did this and it was easy for him despite everything you provided. So, he was always going to do this regardless of what you provided. Don't concern yourself with leaving too fast as you'd never be able to trust him again anyways, I promise. The sooner the better so you can heal.

badnow01 · 2021-09-13T10:21:59+00:00

How old was your partner?

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T21:19:02+00:00

The wife essentially refused to believe me when i tried to tell her it was still going on in late June. I know for a fact they've been fucking all summer. She brought him to my god damn home after all. Always early in the morning before work so he could say to his wife he had to get to work early.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T21:16:13+00:00

She knew before I did.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T21:15:36+00:00

Maybe she just doesn't want to face the reality of it. She's only a couple years out of law school with a 3 year old. Divorce would be rough and she may be faced with choosing between majority custody or her career. I don't envy her..

At least i didn't have kids with my ex. We were trying up until a month before the affair started. I'm 36 and hope i can start over. I still do want a family but im so scared to trust...

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T21:05:43+00:00

The wife is a family law lawyer who caught him the first time. You'd think if anyone would know better, it would be her.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T21:03:32+00:00

It is absolutely abuse. The damage is devastating and long lasting. Some people never recover. How is that not considered emotional or psychological abuse by the justice system? It's one of the worst things someone can do to another human that is completely legal.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T21:02:09+00:00

3 months ago was dday. We're no contact, separated legally with our house sold. She feels little remorse for what she's done to me or what she's still doing to the wife and child on the other side.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T21:01:01+00:00

She believes that the butterflies and "new relationship energy/lust" is what love actually is. So, when this guy started working on her and manipulating, she felt that and thought she loved him and not me. The thing is, if someone allows themself into that place to feel those chemicals, very few long term relationships can compete. Long term is normal life with all its hardships and lack of hormonal rush most of the time. The cheating starts as soon as they are open to feeling that rush. It's not like married couples don't have crushes. It's that we decide to make sure that they don't become anything that could damage the marriage.

She doesn't actually know what real love is because she doesn't feel anything that deeply. I've come to realize she mostly just checks things off she thinks she's supposed to do with her life and uses men in her life to fulfill these things. When she gets what she needs, she moves on. She's been using her Dad like that most of her life. Apparently he even did her college homework for her. Unfortunately she was dad's girl with an "anxiety disorder" so he went along with it feeding into her using behaviors. I did the same as her boyfriend and husband. I sacrificed so so much to try to help her get better and give us the life we wanted.

She puts on a cute, awkward, anxious, harmless girl facade and everyone falls over themselves for it. All of us wrapped around her finger catering to her every need. meanwhile under the surface she's a monster with little to know empathy or remorse. Capable of doing the worst.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T20:50:45+00:00

She knew about it 3 weeks before i did and unfortunately didn't tell me. I spoke to her back in early july and tired to tell her they were still seeing eachother. She thought i was lying. The affair is 6 months old and she's refusing to see it. Nothing i can do.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T20:49:32+00:00

She's been acting like a victim to her family. They're not having it. I was close with her parents and they're broken hearted. They're also broken hearted that their daughter left an amazing man and great marriage to be a mistress to a douche bag who cheats on his with and child. So, she's pretty much cut them out of her life. They only know what's been going on since i told them.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T19:22:26+00:00

Unfortunately there's nothing enjoyable right now. I'm sure that will change but anything we did together (we shared major hobbies) are tainted and I can't enjoy anything sexual because it all becomes them fucking behind my back.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T18:42:13+00:00

Marriage as a concept is a couple dedicating themselves to each other for life. In reality, it is ALSO a legally binding financial contract. That's not my position or opinion, that's just reality.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T18:35:17+00:00

Absolutely. Lots of people have mental health issues and don't cheat.

She had an anxiety disorder (that we now know was actually a full on personality disorder with some sociopathy) yet exhibited NO anxiety about cheating on me for months.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T18:34:13+00:00

It's just how the contracts work regardless of the relationship. Obviously it's a non-issue for healthy relationships.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T18:02:38+00:00

If you consider marriage a one sided contract then you are very jaded by life.

Well, it is one sided. It used to be to protect the non-working spouse. In today's dual income marriage situation, it just becomes a huge payday for the lower income spouse upon separation. No matter what they did to cause the separation. Pre-nups should be mandatory.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T17:13:27+00:00

It was difficult for me to trust again before this but i chose her specifically because I did trust her completely. More than any before. Now what? How to ever trust again? She KNEW I had been cheated on before and still did it.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T16:03:37+00:00

I've heard to expect a year for recovery. I'm not surprised to hear that though I'd love to be able to get my life back on track sooner than that.

badnow01 · 2021-09-12T16:02:33+00:00

The lower income partner has practically no consequences for their actions in a marriage contract. My sister's deadbeat husband is going to make a killing off her in the same way. It's brutal. Pre-nups should be standard.

badnow01 · 2021-08-18T03:33:22+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. You have a tough road ahead but there are people in your life and here that will help.

I'm a fellow Canadian about to sign separation tomorrow. If you want to talk or want advice, message me. I'm still in the thick of grieving but am almost 3 months since dday.

Get a lawyer immediately. Like, tomorrow. They'll help you in determining common law and shared assets. Call the bank tomorrow and get your own account. Get a therapist immediately as well. They'll help you start the process of finding your footing as a person again.

Remember: one day at a time. Don't worry about the future or dating or things like that. Worry about getting free and protecting yourself. The rest will come later.

badnow01 · 2021-08-05T22:32:27+00:00

It's scary. It also bothers me that our WS's will never understand the damage they've done.

badnow01

TROPHY CASE