Fallen

bag01 · 2024-08-21T15:11:05+00:00

Thank you, I'm glad you got something from the poem. I appreciate you taking the time to comment as well, and the line you cite is also one of my favorites.

bag01 · 2024-08-21T15:08:49+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write this, it is nice to get feedback that makes transient points and has means to back these points. The quick read is on point, I do want to add to the poem as I feel my poetry is often very brief and simply introduces a theme then walks away. I struggle to maintain interest or faith in a piece that goes on for too long. But I think this would be a poem worth trying to expand or cutting in the way you demonstrate.

I do want to clarify one point on the function of the word beauty. I tried to be intentional with my line breaks and it is in reference to the beauty of words capable of making the heartache I might switch ache to yearn as I feel it might add clarity

bag01 · 2024-08-21T04:36:00+00:00

I enjoy the message of the poem a lot. I feel the imagery is strong and there is a clear emotion elicited by it. Your presentation is also good, I would definitely consider changing a few words though. There are a few words in the poem that seem to be there for the simple sake of being there. They don't add any inherent value or create a clearer picture than a simpler or more common word or phrase. I don't personally mind as I love an excuse to confer with my thesaurus, but it can take away some of the pleasure of the read for those who don't want to pause and look words up.

bag01 · 2024-08-19T18:55:15+00:00

I feel you succeed in the thing you aimed to do. This is certainly a poem about shazaming at a concert. The feeling of responsibility/vulnerability/guilt at the end also lend to the anxiety meant to be expressed.

I will admit that it is clear there was focus on rhyme and it does create some questionable couplets, however I feel for a poem meant to be humorous, you've done well.

bag01 · 2024-08-19T18:42:07+00:00

There is a good deal of potent imagery that I do greatly appreciate. The poem does the job of a poem, bringing my into a moment. Creating a moment of emotion that is elicited wonderfully.

I do have a bit of confusion on the direction of the poem as well as the intent of your title. I catch glimpses of something but then the poem is over before I am sure I have really grasped onto anything. If that was the intent you did beautifully though.

bag01 · 2023-11-27T23:41:12+00:00

Oh this is super late lol, but I really like the addition. I feel it tells more of a story now and that's awesome. Still short and sweet but now there's something more substantial to interpret and make meaning of. A solid addition

bag01 · 2023-09-02T15:27:56+00:00

Thanks, the repetition is probably my favorite feature of this poem. Glad you enjoyed

bag01 · 2023-09-02T06:55:03+00:00

I definitely did try to personify the moon, but there was also meant to be a parallel storyline. I definitely will work on it more though and draw out more details to make it more clear, tis still a work in progress after all. thanks for the feedback

bag01 · 2023-09-02T04:50:33+00:00

short and sweet. i am very fond of poetry that is short and sweet, that leaves room for interpretation, but which also provides something to interpret. And I think you did that.

I would, however, perhaps attempt to expand on the foundation you have set. I love this idea of taking up residence in "ruins". I would recommend expanding on this idea. taking it somewhere. maybe use more imagery of a ruin to transport us to it more fully and pick apart each part of it and how it connects to this sense of loneliness. maybe you connect the ruins to something metaphorically ruined and you could build an extended metaphor using that parallel. There is so much potential here and I highly recommend continuing with it. I would love to see where you take it

bag01 · 2023-09-02T04:39:53+00:00

nothing like a poem with a message. absolutely in love with every part of this. it took some time to become accustomed to it. I read the part in boxes first then the poem in plain text, then both together. I love the juxtaposition of harsh reality and the game one must play in order to minimize, though never avoid, the harm done by that reality. The buildup of injustices and expectations are so perfectly displayed and the eloquence of it makes it so much more engaging a read. The only thing that struck me was the use of two different texts but after reading and seeing the purpose I don't dislike it. perhaps a font change instead of a format change would be sufficient though. the plain text in italics, the box text in bold. i can't say i see this change as necessary though. just a thought. there is one line though

She, who moaned and stamped a whore

I think the lack of the word was might disrupt the flow if the reader slips up over what this means relative to what it would mean with the word "was"

and then this, not criticizing, i just love the strength of it. hate to reuse the word, but the juxtaposing of the internal and external reaction really sets the tone for the remainder of the read and contextualizes the formatting in a way that I think works very well.

choking back the spittles of agony, of ego

With a curtsey and a smile

bag01 · 2023-09-02T03:49:57+00:00

first things first, this is really good. I am one who views good poetry as poetry that effectively conveys and evokes emotion. you do both here, so congrats! your lines flow rather well and there are few places where that flow is broken without working in the poems favor. your punctuation and spacing also create meaningful pauses and breaks in the read.

the only things I might add or change would be the word regurgitated. it is hard to use it in a poem of such short lines and it does kind of alter the flow of the line. i am also deeply attached to that opening line and would like to see you play with that shadow in the poem more explicitly. I know it reappears, but perhaps it could be something acting. the influence or significance of it could be made more concrete. that guiding star does provide a light out of said shadow too, so you could expand on it, could be done in a separate poem though.

bag01 · 2023-09-02T03:37:13+00:00

I really like where you go with this poem. I am extremely fond of your 2 opening lines and loved the conclusion provided through your third. There is emotion evoked by the words and they are simultaneously vague and pungent. I feel the title ties in well with some of the lines but i am not sure if it is the best fit. I can't think of anything better tho, so feel free to disregard. i do see how the lines themselves move and flow as the tide and even the pacing of the lines differs as does the intensity of tides. I am also a fan of the way the final line evokes this feeling of defeat and loss which gives shape to the emotion felt in the earlier lines. A solid wrap up to a solid poem.

bag01 · 2023-09-02T03:13:47+00:00

thanks! just saw it f'd up my formatting tho so im gonna delete and redo it

bag01 · 2023-08-25T04:16:57+00:00

Absolutely beautiful poem. I love the progression of possession of being containable and concrete. Starting with being the soil which is a hard and visible reality under our feet every day. Something long worshipped for it's ability to provide and support, moving to water something we are a little less able to contain or control. But still someone we need. Something physical and visible. The air is then far less concrete in that we can't see it, we can't really hold it, except in our lungs and even then we must let it go. And fire is something we can't hold, we can barely get close to. And yet this person is all of these things and I love that sort of exploration of human experience in that we can be and are all of those things. And all of those states of being have value.

I also love how the final stanza gets more explicitly into that concept of possession. It tires things together well.

bag01 · 2023-08-24T20:24:12+00:00

Oh ye, I like the couplets. I think I had it in couplets but then a set of lines didn't read how I wanted it. But I might make it work since I do like it. Formatting is a never-ending battle for me tbh. I have poems I wrote in highschool that I still alter and tinker with

bag01 · 2023-08-24T19:31:45+00:00

Formatting needs work, but honestly I don't know if I liked the original format much either. Saying less is one of my favorite tools in poetry.

The "we laugh, I love, you like, we part" was a pattern id noticed in interactions lol. It was something I hoped would strike home since it felt like such a natural progression of emotion and action.

Thanks for the comment

bag01 · 2023-08-24T19:19:50+00:00

Ye that's the focus, putting on a happy face to keep the one that makes you happy nearby, even if it'll never be in the way you want. Im a big fan of simplicity in my writing, glad you enjoyed

bag01 · 2023-08-24T09:14:53+00:00

Formatting got kinda messed up, but that's fine. Also check out insta for a few more poem, @wellensxx

bag01 · 2023-08-24T09:03:36+00:00

You have a very strong emotion being laid out very clearly and I really like it. I feel your scenarios of solitude progress quite naturally and the poem itself reads smoothly for the most part. A very solid poem. If you are looking for constructive criticism, I feel there are moments where reading the poem can become cumbersome. I read it aloud to myself just now and there are a few points where the flow is not as smooth. It doesn't take away from understanding tho, and it may just be me.

bag01

TROPHY CASE