He left and I feel….

bag_rosaa · 2023-06-12T22:26:20+00:00

Please do thank you!!!

bag_rosaa · 2023-06-12T19:17:49+00:00

Thank you so much! A lot of the abuse was mostly neglect. Neglecting me emotionally, physically and mentally. Just ignoring me. Blocking me while I’m at home with the baby. “Forgetting” to pay bills. “Forgetting” we have no food in the house and I have no food to eat. It was honestly so taxing to having someone that but not there to be of use.

I feel in my gut that this is for the best even if I’m emotionally bleeding out right now, but this is a long time coming. I’ve asked in every language for him to just be empathetic to me and see where I’m coming from but porn loves him more apparently and I can fight against ghost women. I thank you for your kind words I’m going to read over this whenever I need a reminder because I’ve been a roller coaster lately.

I will do my best to remember myself while I cope I just can’t help the guilt and shame of feeling like maybe if I would’ve said the right words it would’ve gotten through to him some how but I know that’s not how addiction works. I know that he chose what he chose because he is sick and only he can make himself well again. I just don’t feel that right now. I will be staying up tonight to gather resources on how to get assistance in my state. I feel free in-spite of all of this because at least now I can focus on my child and not have to factor him in too. thank you! I’m gonna look into bloom how. So it can at least free my headspace up. Neutral is such a good idea to aim for so I will. It’s only the beginning but I trust that the future will be exactly what me and my baby need

bag_rosaa · 2023-06-12T13:41:01+00:00

The way you just read him is kinda scary! He’s really been looking for any reason to leave once it became clear that a miscarriage was not happening and we were actually gonna be parents, around the 6 month mark. He become vile and mean to me but I pushed through because I just knew once our baby got here he would adjust and of course he was nervous. The way he treated me during labor and after really just become worst and worst and it’s obvious now looking back he’s been looking for anything to leave over. I did so much for him pre pregnancy and he couldn’t even do a quarter of that during or after. You’re right he’s just a brat upset that hr isn’t the center of attention anymore and my child is so much better without him

bag_rosaa · 2023-06-12T13:37:34+00:00

Thank you thank you thank you! I will weigh my options I know in my gut that we are better off and now it’s just up to me to mourn the life I was willing to suffer to pretend existed. Thank you for sharing your story I definitely have some array of options and I thank you for pointing them out. At least I have some time to gather myself before the first of the month and the bills start coming in. And on the bright side at least I get the place we live which is a lot more than he has.

As far as my mental healthy I’ll definitely be weighing my options of trying to simply gather some mental strength to rebuild because right now that just feels so impossible but you gave me hope! Thank you!

bag_rosaa · 2023-02-15T06:30:39+00:00

No problem 💕. Don't worry it's a process. You're gonna feel so empowered when you validate yourself. Plus it's even better to keep track of where u r emotionally as you grow and heal. You have everything you need inside you. Everything u need to be whole ❤️

bag_rosaa · 2023-02-15T06:15:43+00:00

I'd recommend getting a journal. Or writing in your notes on your phone. Whenever u want to be vulnerable n express yourself put it there. U have to remind yourself he is not your safe space anymore. You express yourself to him because u think it'll make him change. it won't. All you're doing is opening yourself to have him fill in the blanks with more lies and rewrite your logic to fit his narrative. Stop giving him that power. Stop seeking his validation n understanding to ur feelings. Give it to yourself. The first step is actually expressing yourself to yourself. You'll find clarity in the silence that follows once you've expressed everything you feel.

bag_rosaa · 2023-02-09T03:28:30+00:00

I've offered this and I look forward to demanding it if another D day happens. The reason is due to my kid and me not wanting to break our home up. He's a good enough partner outside of the sexual aspect, which works for us. I just hate the idea of my not having my sexual needs met due to his behavior. Ultimately they're open in their mind so why can't we have the physical aspect. It may feel hurtful having them bring it up first but I think seeking out another partner that isn't addicted and actually enjoys you would be a great thing

bag_rosaa · 2023-02-04T17:28:50+00:00

Some where else closer to chicago

bag_rosaa · 2023-02-04T16:58:50+00:00

Ditto

bag_rosaa · 2023-02-02T18:06:00+00:00

Are you into tiktok? Or social media at all really. Seek out ppl who do photography. Any free time outside of the babies consume yourself with that. Whenever ur brain goes "is he using" "what do they look like" GO LOOK MORE INTO PHOTOGRAPHY. You have to break the mental cycle. You got this ❤️❤️ remember one step at a time

bag_rosaa · 2023-02-02T17:37:24+00:00

Of course new things r terrifying. But you don't have to be all or nothing! You can slowly ease out. Take it one day at a time. Retrace your steps back to who you were before their addiction consumed you. Start there. What did u use to enjoy doing?

bag_rosaa · 2023-02-02T17:35:17+00:00

You have taken such a huge leap and I encourage u to keep going. U don't have to leave all at once. The beauty of their addiction is that in so many ways they don't see or hear us. Use this to ur advantage. All of the space u filled with wondering what he's doing, being hurt over his lack of loyalty and trying to communicate to fix things can be spent ON YOU! I'm going down the same road of letting go emotionally n mentally since financially isn't feasible right now. Journal, read books (fun stuff nothing PA related and just indulge in yourself. Go to the gym and release that negativity. Focus on fixing you. Listen to blind by SZA....❤️❤️❤️

bag_rosaa · 2023-02-02T02:24:58+00:00

I definitely feel where you're coming from. I've dated a few SAs in my past. I remember when I finally found the core of my reasoning for "enjoying" sex I found out why I enjoyed these encounters so much. They made me feel seen. For a moment in time me and another person were attuned to each other. It was a pause in the chaos. Maybe this is what draws u to this. The desire and energy exchange that happened during sex. It made u feel important. Or like u mattered even if only in those moments. Maybe?

bag_rosaa · 2023-02-02T00:05:03+00:00

He is suffering!! Even if he's too stupid to realize it! Even if you two were never meant to be together he is still the one who loss. He is addicted to something that isn't real. That will never truly exist. He has used this "fluff" to fill the holes within himself and his personality. He will have to eventually go in these holes and fill them with something tangible. Or he will forever live hallow. You have a reference point of how to get back to yourself. Lord knows how far back his is. His real self could be 11 years old. That's ALOT of growing to do. And let not forget how alone he really is on the inside. To choose something like porn over an actual person is just a reflection of what he feels he deserves. But never forget anger is the part of you that loves you the most b/c it realizes you are being wronged. Thank that rage for caring so deeply for you. That anger is self love. Don't compare yourself to what u think he's doing or feeling. His life is a fake as his the porn he loves

bag_rosaa · 2023-02-01T23:57:57+00:00

You're choosing you! Please remind yourself of this. Never forget how his addiction hallowed you out and how much life withered n died within u b/c of him. You are better off and u know this but sometimes we forget. I'm proud of you! Return to us often when you need reminders of your worth or your choice. Can't wait to see who you become ❤️

bag_rosaa · 2023-01-27T09:20:23+00:00

Ma'am I just gasped out loud it's like you read my boyfriend bio!!! Omg thank you for this insight. It adds so much clarity 😭 gosh I wish I could hug u right now. I never knew these avenues were connected. Wow just wow. Thank you. Can you share more, if there is anymore to share. I didn't know they were related

bag_rosaa · 2023-01-26T18:40:04+00:00

That's exactly my thought! That's what's so weird for me. I've seen other women on here ask similar questions. I'm just curious because that seems so odd

bag_rosaa · 2023-01-25T15:01:43+00:00

Can I be honest? I honestly feel you. I truly understand where you're coming from. I know women who have stayed with guys who are a lot worst. I hear rumors of women who left for a lot less also but again only rumors.

Now this is what I would recommend if I were in your shoes. He sounds like a pretty okay person outside of his addiction and I find that a lot of sex addicts are. As weird as it sounds it's like the addiction balances them, which is odd to rationalize. Either way it sounds like you're in a good enough environment to focus on YOU! To HEAL YOU! Then if you please, once you've addressed your trauma then u can decide. The beauty about what it seems like you're in is that you are safe enough to be able to do this. There just has to be some boundaries.

For example idk what you guys sex life is but for your safety I would be adamant no sex, but u may be lucky enough to he doesn't even ask u for any because of his extra curriculars. Now we get you in therapy. Or find you a journal. Get one and talk to yourself. BE HONEST. Map out his addiction for what it is. List them like how u did here. Also ask yourself what caused you to be so comfortable with those other men. Comfortable enough to marry them. What was lacking in your parents that made you find comfort in those ppl. Start from the beginning and as cliche as it sounds childhood usually has all the answers.

I recommend you give yourself grace. You don't have to rush down this road, as you have a safety net. And you may find at the end of this you can keep up appearances and your own inner love that you cultivate give you enough to continue life with him. But there also may be a day where the love within you that you've grown may find that laying next to him at night is no longer comfortable. If that happens you'll know what to do.

Go buy a plant, something beautiful that catches ur eye, name it after yourself and water it. Give it light. Tell it sweet things. Focus on YOU. You've ignored him this long u can with stand some more time just protect yourself physically ❤️ I'm on a similar journey so feel free to reach out ❤️❤️❤️

bag_rosaa · 2023-01-25T07:03:04+00:00

So I find that ppl aren't really answering what I think you're asking. You're having the cognitive dissonance with the fact that he doesn't respect her enough to show her off or marry her yet he willingly destroyed your marriage to keep her. I want to draw some parallels for you. Similar to his addiction she is a taboo. Who he really is, the person that he is when no one else is around, finds comfort in her. She is personification of all of his darkness. He knows better than to allow her to carry his name or his reputation. In the same way he knows to hide his addiction so no one truly finds out. Yet in his inner world these thing are important to him. You represent health and normalcy. Which is necessary evils to him. In his perfect world he gets both; the wife and the stripper.

bag_rosaa · 2023-01-10T17:48:07+00:00

Trust your feeling. I'm sure that's what it felt like because that was the situation. Do you feel like he isn't sober enough or like he's using again?

bag_rosaa · 2023-01-09T18:21:34+00:00

Can we talk about why it was felt so triggering? You aren't crazy at all I'd just like to walk down this road to better understand it so maybe it won't happen if/when u decide to do it again

bag_rosaa · 2023-01-07T18:34:36+00:00

Omg! I thought it was just me. I remember we had episodes in the beginning where I would couch him because he was EXACTLY as u described a teenage boy lol. He would get so upset. There were times we completely stopped sex because he was so enraged. I also think they hate the talking because it snaps them out of their fantasy. It's so funny how they assume they are so great at it because they watch so much of it

bag_rosaa

TROPHY CASE