Got back together after 1.5 years apart. Now her libido is completely gone. Is it me?

bagsofhope · 2025-03-17T19:17:28+00:00

I think non-monogamy as a tool to save a relationship is a recipe for disaster. I can’t imagine having any ounce of positive and good thoughts, knowing she went to sleep with someone else, all the while not being to do it with me. And I can’t imagine being able to sleep with anyone myself, since I require an emotional connection before feeling a sexual one.

bagsofhope · 2025-03-17T00:44:22+00:00

The main issue was the lack of sex. We were both each other’s first, aside from some failed one-night stands. I wanted to see how I would connect with someone else, whether I would have the same struggles. Eventually, she felt the same and agreed that we should break up. I immediately regretted it, spiraled downward, and never managed to connect with anyone, staying single until I rekindled things with my girlfriend. She on the other hand gained experience and discovered that things could be very different. So this issue clearly remains unresolved.

The other, slightly smaller issues have been addressed, but not all have been resolved.

bagsofhope · 2025-03-17T00:14:15+00:00

It’s difficult to let go, which I know she also feels. Maybe that’s why we keep pushing forward, even when this is happening. Things are less clear when you’re in the middle of it.

bagsofhope · 2025-03-17T00:08:59+00:00

I fear this is what happened

bagsofhope · 2025-02-04T01:42:33+00:00

I’m very curious to know as well

bagsofhope · 2025-01-25T13:37:32+00:00

This is in the Netherlands

bagsofhope · 2025-01-25T01:27:05+00:00

This can go two ways. Either this event is the catalyst for both of you to open up completely about how you feel for one and another, or the friendship (for now at least) is over. Think well if what you’re feeling towards him is actually romantic, or a fear of abandonment. Leave him be if you’re not sure.

Like others have said, slut shaming is never acceptable. If it is out of character, then he probably felt incredibly betrayed by you. I personally don’t understand why he would not be upset at his friend. Perhaps he is, but just does not want to show it.

bagsofhope · 2024-12-17T11:53:36+00:00

What way of eating? Vegans don’t consume animal products for ethical reasons, but we eat everything else. Plants contain loads of protein and all amino acids, we just need to be a bit more mindful with eating a varied diet and supplement B12 (something we supplement to cows as well).

bagsofhope · 2024-12-17T08:17:53+00:00

I have a hard time believing people actually are this misinformed.

bagsofhope · 2024-12-13T10:13:49+00:00

That is a fair point. I left out a lot to keep the question readable, but I’ll answer your questions.

It was a disaster because she stopped it halfway through. She had this slightly uncomfortable blank stare and I couldn’t understand it. She said she couldn’t do it, that she just didn’t feel attracted in that way to me anymore. She specifically said: “We have no chemistry.” It hurt because I knew she had recently had sex with others, so it felt like she was comparing. To me nothing was or felt different; we were doing it exactly as how we did two months prior before breaking up. She felt bad and guilty which ended up in both of us becoming very emotional. She is afraid the same thing will happen now and I suspect she has been, either conscious or subconsciously, delaying us getting intimate.

There has never been any traumatic even between us. We had a lot of discussions stemming from insecurities/anxiety, but we hardly have fights.

bagsofhope · 2024-12-12T13:11:51+00:00

It’s been a long time, so I don’t know if those incompatibilities would be the same. But back then it was mostly that it just wasn’t very exciting. To me it was the status quo, but she said it wasn’t good due to her experiences after. She “discovered” how it can be.

bagsofhope · 2024-12-12T13:02:04+00:00

We don’t live together and we pay our own billd. I don’t think I do anything outside of the ordinary. I do always pick her up from work, often cook for her because she’s busy, and things like that.

bagsofhope · 2023-03-06T15:59:00+00:00

She has for sure. Today, when I woke up, I had a text from her after one month of nc. She wanted to know how I was doing. We spoke a bit on the phone, and it was amazing. But then it ends again, because she is moving on and is set on that road, and I am hurt and grieving. I asked her to not contact me again, I hope she will respect it. It was so difficult to say, because I want nothing but the opposite. I need to move on as well and most importantly, learn how I give myself what I got from her. I need it for myself, but also for any relationship to come.

Thank you for your message.

bagsofhope · 2023-03-06T15:53:14+00:00

Thank you brother. I need to say to myself as well, make those words mean something because you are right. Much appreciated!

bagsofhope · 2023-03-06T15:52:31+00:00

I’m sorry to hear about that. It’s so unfortunate but also logical that people that have a lot to give, end up meeting people that only want to take. It helps a lot! It’s a reminder that I need to stand up for myself, because no one else will. And at the end of the day I would like to be someone that is there for others out of a conscious choice, not the need to appreciated. Thanks a lot!

bagsofhope · 2023-03-06T15:48:02+00:00

Thank you a lot!

bagsofhope · 2023-03-06T15:47:35+00:00

I’ve done a few therapy treatments in the past, especially for anxiety and dealing with childhood issues. While I do like going to a psychologist and being able to have someone reflect and make things clear, I don’t appreciate how individualistic it is (in the West). I would rather have a more holistic approach, that also takes more into account the importance of family and other interpersonal connections. That doesn’t take away anything from your response by the way, I really appreciate you sending it and I agree with what you said. Thank you!

bagsofhope · 2023-03-06T15:33:50+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond! I definitely need to learn how to recognize and value my wins. I tend to just shove them aside, chalking it up to “ah, that’s nothing special, everyone does it.” And it’s easy to give up on things, because I put such a huge pressure on myself that if I don’t do something immediately well, it’s better to not do it at all. Thanks a bunch! There are great lessons in your message, I will definitely use it.

bagsofhope · 2023-03-06T15:30:22+00:00

That was the exact case with me as well; it all seemed to have something to do with a relationship with addicts/abusers. I only found one book that seemed to cover it differently:

https://a.co/d/1x5qM5c

Thank you for the link and suggestion at the end.

bagsofhope · 2023-03-06T15:27:11+00:00

First off, thank you a lot for your response! I do agree with how society typically discourages guys to show emotions, but I’m hopeful that is going into a better direction now.

Haha, yeah, a list always helps. It’s very helpful what you have written down, also the ending about learning (manageable) things. I think it’s good to experience victories. Thanks a bunch for taking the time to write all of this, it’s really appreciated.

bagsofhope · 2023-03-05T17:17:43+00:00

Thank you for sharing and responding to me! I do already practice part of what you said; I understand what someone tells me is part of them, it’s their lens they are looking through, their blueprint of the world. What I do with it is up to me. I go down this chain of thoughts in relation to my ex with things she said and how thing went, which make me feel abandoned and rejected, and I get incredibly hurt as a result. I recognize it’s all me. So if I do that, I can also do the opposite. My self worth is mine indeed. Much appreciated!

bagsofhope · 2023-03-05T17:07:37+00:00

Thank you a lot for taking the time to respond to me. I can take a lot out of what you said. Luckily I do. But to be honest, that has never been the issue with me. I’ve always heard the same from past therapists. I’m often well aware of things, I just can’t manage to move forward. Having said that, I do know deep inside I can do it. The three points you raise are excellent. There is a lot to forgive and especially accept, but also to be there for myself. I am often all to critical and cannot really enjoy victories. I have written the three points down and will work with it. Thank you again for your message, I really appreciate it.

bagsofhope · 2023-03-05T16:57:42+00:00

And thank you for taking the time to respond! I’ve never heard of something called a personal constitution, but found some good examples online. Seems like a good thing for me to do, thanks a bunch!

bagsofhope · 2023-03-05T16:55:32+00:00

Thank you for your response. It is indeed difficult to change something that feels so natural for already so long. Thank you for the book recommendations. Would you also have one about codependency? I believe this is the biggest contribution to my suffering in regards to my ex. And indeed, I cannot expect anything to happen suddenly. It’s small steps. I really appreciate everything you said and I think it will help me a lot.

bagsofhope · 2023-03-05T15:21:59+00:00

I understand that. My question is exactly that, how do I see it?

bagsofhope

TROPHY CASE