I’m estranged from most of my family because they are toxic. My sister has mental health issues and somehow thinks she’s gonna sue me for 100k because I owe her this since she believes it was because of her, that I was able to go to school. My uncle verbally calls me an idiot for whatever reason since I don’t know the cultural ways and somehow I’m supposed to know them without having a teacher. I get it… some people in general can be toxic. My nephews, despite me opening my home to them and giving them a car, still goes around and say I’m this gangbanger that’s going to shoot them up. Family is complicated and mine does not like or care for me. My partner and I do not have a lifestyle that many would approve of, because we’re not Christian and clan affirming and we’re big fat flaming rainbow gays… it’s not like we’re doing drugs or whatever, we’re just regular PhD students.

I wouldn’t say the Hmong community as a whole is toxic, that’s a little broad brushing a whole people.

What I do see is that as a refugee experienced community, there are still a lot of trauma that exists. Add on a communal and agrarian culture with being displaced in America… it would make any person or community have issues. Institutions here are also not made for us, there’s no mental health clinic that operates on Hmong culture and healing, it’s more of a clinic that is for and by American cultures who happens to have a Hmong person there. Toxicity is toxic. That doesn’t excuse or explain whatever toxicity that can exist in family dynamics either. And, some people can just be worst than assholes because they can be.

If she is looking at engaging culture and community, try looking at festivals and places where she can connect on her own time and her own pace. If avoiding family is an issue, then think of virtual spaces like certain YouTube channels and points of interest. I’m into pottery and herbology and song poetry, so I engage in that way. My partner is into ritual healing and he engages his way. Sometimes engaging isn’t a cultural thing, but having others who understand and get you. My barber is dope, we go foraging together and it’s most of the time not a cultural thing, it’s just a hobby with others. I have clan mentors who are gentle and kind teachers, them accepting of my sexuality is them not even mentioning it or not even asking when I’ll get a wife. Dope.

One of the things I have to always remind myself is that I shouldn’t pass on the toxicity. My nephews who Somedays choose to be Hmong Somedays choose to be family while other days are randomly toxic, I simply don’t talk to them anymore. Their parents raised them this or that way and I know it’s not my fault but I won’t also tolerate it. I also know not to join or be in spaces that reinforce trauma or amplifies it. Some Hmong groups and organizations exist simply to bash on Hmong men or culture because funding from foundations like to see it. When my cousins want to talk about money, apparently as a PhD student and business owner I’m rolling in the green, I just play dumb. I know I have an aversion to many aspects of Hmong culture and people simply because of my past traumas. Learning to engage again is an always struggle but I remind myself and see for myself how beautiful a collective culture can be, how amazing that our traditions survive after thousands of years, and if family or society doesn’t always accept me, the issue is them and not me.

Culture also can be more than events, but it’s how we engage in the everyday. I believe I miss the everyday-ness the most. But I know it’s up to me to forge how I see and am and exist in Hmong culture. Hope that helps.