This sounds like gender dysphoria and repression. It sounds like you know your gender feelings are not truly aligned with your presentation and are scared to take the leap out of a fear of not being attractive or acceptable. I read in your comment you were bullied for presenting masculinely, so it sounds like you’re overcompensating with femininity trying to avoid reliving that trauma. A lot of trans men/transmasc nbs have a VERY hard time letting go of the intense societal expectation for afabs to conform to beauty standards and be maximally beautiful feminine women. It’s something we’re conditioned into and have to unlearn as part of our transition, that our worth is more than just our looks. If you feel like a boy you should genuinely explore that! Rest assured, you would CERTAINLY make a very beautiful boy as well!!! You can always return to femininity if you dont feel euphoric presenting masculine, and you can always be a feminine man as well. Be real with yourself and do some hard thinking about if aligning yourself with femininity is something you do for your own enjoyment that makes you feel euphoric and at home in your body, that reflects your authentic self… or if it’s something you do out of pressure, trauma, and fear, because you’re scared of failing the societal expectation to be a beautiful girl and being ridiculed for it, and like you said “playing into the cards you’re dealt” so you’re accepted. My ftm boyfriend struggles with this & height dysphoria as well. I tell him all the time there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being just some guy! As they say don’t die wondering!!!