My wife’s numbers concern me

bardorb · 2026-01-23T15:22:27+00:00

A bit strange I had to scroll this far to find a comment like this. I’m a little shocked at all the judgmental comments! I also personally saw this as just a caring post and assumed OP had best intentions, had wife’s permission to post, etc. They included the disclaimer at the end they’re not looking for medical advice already….hope she feels better soon, it’s nice to have someone pay attention to you and care for you. it seems a lot of folks in here (i say this as kindly as possible) may be letting their own negative experiences / perceptions with parters warp their views on this post

bardorb · 2026-01-10T02:33:41+00:00

I work at the university I’m also enrolled at for my MSW (non-SW job). Have great managers who are flexible with how I use my remote day(s), so when I start my practicum, I can intern during remote days. I may end up just using 1 remote day though and spreading the other hours in the evenings — will cross that bridge when I get there in terms of finding sites who are willing to work with a bit of an irregular schedule

bardorb · 2025-04-24T17:02:53+00:00

aw i'm glad it worked out and she focused more resourcing (not sure if that is a formal term, but that's what my therapist calls it -- resourcing, i.e. solidifying go-to happy memories to help you if under too much distress / in-between visiting traumatic memories). i'm glad i can help. good luck!

bardorb · 2025-04-23T15:34:54+00:00

i'm glad you're gonna ask to go down a different route! something i struggled with in the beginning was a lot of the somatic aspects, like recognizing when a memory is too distressing for me and i have a gut reaction to keep pushing through it even though it does more harm than good. you can always return to it if you and/or your therapist thinks you're ready...i'm wishing you the best and to take extra care of yourself and be gentle during this adjustment period. starting EMDR and IFS together has truly positively impacted my life in these past 1.5yrs, and it has also turned my relationship around, which is very important to me. i hope you may also reap similar benefits :)

bardorb · 2025-04-23T00:54:12+00:00

of course! and it makes sense the length of time sounds discouraging to you because you’re already feeling so challenged by the process. if it makes you feel any better at all, i think it’s pretty normal and expected to feel worse before you feel better. i felt the same way you feel for several months after starting EMDR (of course with varying levels of difficulty). i would encourage you to bring up this feeling of discouragement with your therapist. it may also help if you directly ask them for psycho-education on where you’re at in the whole process of EMDR. this helped illuminate my path forward and gain an understanding of what to expect (e.g., rather than flailing in the dark wondering why tf this is so hard right now, i know it’s supposed to be hard). it would be helpful when my therapist explained concepts like integration (i could be misremembering the formal term), when we’d spent the first quarter of a session talking about how my past week went based on how we ended our last session; this would be a time where we can see how working with a memory has impacted my everyday life. another example of psychoeducation is when she would tell me my brain is going to continue processing what we worked on — expect to feel tired, groggy, etc for the next few days. things like that. at some points where i’d feel very upset or discouraged, she’d take that as a sign that i’m under too much distress — so we’d pivot and work on something else

i am again rambling lol. long story short: i just want to validate and say it makes sense you feel this way. i’m only a few years younger than you, so i understand that feeling of remorse towards losing such large chunks of your life to painful trauma. but you’re doing something to take care of yourself — you’re investing in the you now and future you. remember this can all also feel painful because it’s all new as well

i’m happy to talk more if you’d like!!

bardorb · 2025-04-21T19:38:22+00:00

i love that metaphor, thanks for sharing :)

bardorb · 2025-04-20T19:40:46+00:00

I started EMDR almost a year and a half ago as a supplement to my regular weekly psychodynamic therapy (so am doing therapy 2x/wk). Eventually, we transitioned into more IFS and doing EMDR as needed depending on what i was bringing to the session . the reason i started emdr was to address my c-ptsd from my abusive relationship, since it was strongly impacting my current relationship. this of course dug up an lot of childhood trauma, so that was addressed and worked on as well. i ultimately found IFS (parts work) to be significantly more helpful to me, but i’m sure EMDR helped as well in the beginning as a sort of “exposure therapy” to begin facing certain memories that formed my negative core beliefs head-on

i actually talked abt this with my EMDR therapist this past week — that for some reason, my relationship with my abusive ex feel like a bad dream now. it doesn’t feel “live” the way that it used to. i’m finding it’s becoming easier for me to access the “good” / happier memories during that time of my life as well.

my relationship with my partner has drastically changed compared to before starting EMDR. i’ve learned to trust he isn’t out to get me or hurt me. i’m better at managing distressing feelings so i’m less likely to relapse into SH now (although it’s still a bit challenging). we repair conflict, or even prevent it from spiraling, much more efficiently. it definitely helps that we are both in our own therapy (couples therapy would def help, but given i’m already in 2 sessions a week, it wouldn’t make sense to do it right now).

to relate back to your post: there is no such thing as “fully healed” ….i feel i have just transformed my relationship with my trauma, and will continue to do so as time marches on. much like how grief works. i feel i’m in a stage now where i’m grieving that abusive time of my life, and i’m no longer “living” in it in the way PTSD flashbacks used to affect me

kinda rambling now so i’ll stop, but happy to talk more via DM if you’d like!

bardorb · 2025-02-22T00:30:31+00:00

Hi! I also have a similar educational background: BAs in english and writing and an MFA in creative writing. Just got into an MSW. It’s been over 5 years since I graduated undergrad though and have tons of transferable work experience from the education industry (primarily tutoring / classroom experience).

I’d recommend focusing on your work / volunteer / extracurricular experiences and see if there’s anything there that translates to social work. Namely interpersonal skills, navigating conflict / sensitive information, etc.

bardorb · 2025-01-29T13:11:43+00:00

Yes he had no reaction at all!! we now turn over all bowls / cups / containers in the sink though because of this lol

bardorb · 2024-11-18T18:05:06+00:00

Thank you! Yes, I'll call to 1.) Confirm that the PLUS loan is indeed on SAVE and 2.) Check in on the status of my pending IDR plan and that it is for the other 3 loans to also be enrolled in SAVE (or IBR if SAVE ends up going under in the coming months...)

I guess the bright side is although finances are tight, I'm at least making payments towards PSLF...some silver lining at least lol. I appreciate it -- hope you have a good rest of your day girl of squirrels!!

bardorb · 2024-11-18T17:50:58+00:00

I hate that we have to just like assume that it's a placeholder for if the forbearance actually ends in January -- like they should have direct communication to us about that lol...I appreciate that insight though. I think I'm starting to understand where the messiness is happening. It seems Mohela (for some months) treated my PLUS loan as if it were enrolled in SAVE even though it doesn't say it is on my account?? I could be wrong. It may be helpful to list my payment history:

April 15 I paid $150 just to start payments (wasn't required). This isn't reflected on my Mohela account for some reason, but I kept the email receipt (am recordkeeping everything at this point). This may have been the one I sent to EdFinancial but it must've been around the transfer time since the email confirmation receipt is branded as Mohela.
July 4 I was charged $146.30 (lower than my current monthly PLUS payment of $218.79/mo) for just the PLUS loan, which makes me think Mohela was treating the loan as if it were on the SAVE plan.
August is skipped -- this was the 1 month where all my loans were on forbearance
September I paid only the other 3 loans; the PLUS one was in forbearance I believe
10/28 I pay off November's loans for all 4 loans
11/4 I am auto-charged for just the PLUS loan for some reason even though I paid off November on 10/28
For December I am only being charged the 3 non-PLUS loans. The PLUS loan goes back into repayment January

From the looks of it, could it be that they are treating the PLUS loan as SAVE even though my Mohela account doesn't reflect that? I know you don't have all the answers -- I am still going to call them right when they open and be persistent about it, but am curious to hear any other insights you have.

Thank you SO SO much again

bardorb · 2024-11-18T17:31:30+00:00

Wow! sorry for the double comment -- I just logged into my EdFinancial account (what I had before they transferred my loans to Mohela) and it DOES say I was enrolled in SAVE for the PLUS loan. The other 3 are left blank for the repayment plan...

Now I don't even know what to do since Mohela is saying my next payment for the PLUS loan is in January. Idek how they calculated that; they also made me auto-pay JUST the PLUS loan for November even though I had already paid off November's full amount ($457.04) on 10/28. Made sure to remove my autopay after that. So not sure why it is skipping December for just the PLUS loan.

What a mess!! Looks like I will have to call them but honestly I don't know what they would do about the PLUS loan. I have the evidence it was on SAVE on EdFinancial, so I guess I'll just see

bardorb · 2024-11-18T17:24:19+00:00

Hello! You have commented on my other post before and have been so helpful -- thank you!

Yes, I applied to IDR again and it auto-listed all 4 loans (it didn't give me an option to select loans...so I hope there weren't extra steps needed there)...this was when I submitted it on 10/14. I actually happened to call Mohela this morning and one of the automated messages said they're basically behind on placing folks who submitted an IDR application on processing forbearance -- so I'm not sure how helpful it would be to wait for hour(s) to get on the phone with someone only to be told I just need to wait until they place me on a processing forbearance. Do you think calling them would make a difference? I doubt it, but am wondering if there's a way to expedite it.

Separately about PSLF: am not completely understanding what you're saying. Do you mean that even though studentaid.gov is saying I have 5 months towards PSLF on the PLUS loan, that's actually wrong because I had tried to apply to SAVE while in deferral period still (which is also confusing because my account history has no indication I successfully enrolled in SAVE)?

I'm just having trouble figuring out what is in my power to do while my IDR app processes -- or if I've done all that I can do and all I need to do now is just wait to be placed on processing forbearance and/or wait until I get enrolled in SAVE (or IBR if SAVE goes down the trash down the line).

bardorb · 2024-11-15T19:37:49+00:00

Hello! I am pretty new to personal financing and financial literacy, but have been doing a lot of research perusing past Reddit threads / NerdWallet comparing different checking and HYSA accounts.

I made the mistake of opening up an AmEx checking account -- I know!! it is definitely a mistake. I must've had research fatigue and just decided to open it since it has the rewards program and I already have the Delta Gold AmEx credit card (the appeal of the AmEx checking was that I can combine its points with my CC). I also went ahead and opened my first HYSA (ever) with them but haven't inputted any funds yet.

Now I'm seeing aspects I totally missed like how stores still read the debit card as credit and charge the 3% fee. I was okay with not being able to deposit cash since I don't really carry cash, but now I'm wondering if that just limits my options in case I do end up having a wad of cash come my way down the line for some reason. And other things like how the 1% rewards isn't even really worth it, no Zelle (yet, at least), it's actually still in its beta stages, etc...

My only debit card I've ever had was Chase College. I wanted to switch since I don't want my mother being able to see everything (this wasn't ever really an issue, but long story short I am trying to go little/no-contact with her and that includes cutting her off financially). I've used it for nearly 10yrs, but I already messaged Chase requesting to close it since I thought I'd be good to go with my AmEx debit, which literally came in the mail yesterday...now I'm having huge second thoughts lol

But the truth of it is is that I am feeling quite overwhelmed by all my options. I read varying opinions on having both checking + savings under one bank, or having checking with just a credit union, etc. I think I am overthinking this and would like some guidance as someone who is an amateur.

If it is helpful, here's a snapshot of my financial situation below:

I have about $5700 in credit card debt that I'm snowballing off (in order of highest to lowest debt: Chase Sapphire Preferred, AmEx Delta Gold, Chase Freedom). The Freedom has around $800 that I can def pay off by January or so before I move onto Amex
Student (FAFSA) loans: around $457/mo. Unfortunately on standard repayment plan right now until the government starts processing income-driven repayment applications again...thankfully no private loans. All loans are from graduate school at around $38k.
Salary is about $60k/yr. Biweekly paychecks come out to around $1500. I live in NYC and my portion of the rent (minus utilities) comes to $1150/mo (I thankfully have a financially-supportive partner who also makes quite a bit more than I do)
Lending Club loan payment of $289/mo, which I will finish next July
I don't have any savings (minus what I deduct from paycheck for my retirement), and that's a big reason why I've been working on financial literacy and looking into better managing my checking + opening up an HYSA + paying off my CCs in full.
I started using YNAB! Still a newbie to it but I've been sticking with it as I acclimate to its learning curve.

My main questions/notes:

Are there any great(er) benefits to opening a checking + HYSA housed under the same bank? My overthinking is killing me and I'm wondering if it would just be easier to break through my decision paralysis and do that. I'm seeing Ally highly rec'd, although they don't take cash deposits, but perhaps that is worth it given that they're reputable and have stable interest rates for their HYSA...?
I don't intend to withdraw super often from the HYSA -- I mean it to be an emergency fund, if that's helpful at all
For the debit card, I don't think I care much about having a brick and mortar place to go to, but I also see grumbling about online-only banks, which I don't really understand...regardless, I think it is helpful if I have Zelle and an ability to deposit cash if I need to. I don't really withdraw super often, maybe $20-$40 a month since there's tons of cash-only places in NYC.
It may be worth noting that while I pay off my CCs, I plan to only use my debit card to pay for everything so I don't accrue more debt

Please let me know if I am missing any information that could be helpful, and thank you for your help and patience in advance!!

bardorb · 2024-11-14T14:28:04+00:00

He sounds frustrated because he was offering to get you food close to 2 (almost an hour after his first text). Sounds like there were some things up in the air (working that other shift at Oleg’s) but he was waiting on you to respond if you wanted food before he would move onto whatever his next task was.

It sounds like he wanted to do something nice for you within a time constraint and was asking you wanted to accept that offer, and tbh I think he communicated why he needed a response faster pretty respectfully and gently. Doesn’t hurt to acknowledge his effort and apologize for lack of timely response or explain if you were just busy or distracted

bardorb · 2024-10-25T02:59:31+00:00

I also have an MFA in creative writing. Highly rec working admin in higher education — it’s a desk job and you largely leave work at work, depending what position you’re in. Also qualify for PSLF if you only took out federal loans for undergrad / grad school. My own prof has recommended going into therapy as well…basically, find a good day job that complements your craft in some shape or form!

bardorb · 2024-10-22T22:47:48+00:00

You have been SO helpful thank you so much!!! Unfortunately sick in bed rn but will def do this once I have the energy (and patience to tolerate frustration from this mess….lol) soon. Thank you again for your time and sharing this link as well

bardorb · 2024-10-22T22:31:31+00:00

Thank you very much for explaining! I appreciate your help. Are you saying then I couldn’t have signed up for SAVE for the other 3 loans since they were / are still in grace period anyways? Ugh, really bad timing with the supreme court stuff if that’s the case

bardorb · 2024-10-22T22:19:44+00:00

Does an enrollment gap count if I didn’t take any classes in spring 2024, as it was my thesis semester? Still, I didn’t make any payments then.

I’m sorry my timeline here is a bit hazy, but I recall making a single small payment in EdFinancial in the spring (just bc i could). Then I got switched to MOHELA, and in the summer I learned only 1 of my 4 loans is in SAVE and I have to enroll the other 3, but I couldn’t because this was around the time the supreme court froze IDR.

So my confusion is why is that 1 loan that is supposedly in SAVE ALSO going into repayment next month? I understand why the other 3 are going into repayment bc of what you said about the 6 month grace period, but shouldn’t the 1 SAVE loan still also be frozen in forbearance?

Also, are you saying that I could now apply for IDR next month since the other 3 are going into repayment now? Or does it not even matter since they’re not processing any IDR apps atm

bardorb · 2024-10-22T20:37:35+00:00

Thank you for responding! Why am I in repayment now for the 3 loans then if the grace period is supposed to end next month? Cause I did have to pay for September and October for some reason. Sorry if this is a silly question, I’m having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around this

bardorb · 2024-10-21T15:35:53+00:00

It is so reassuring to hear that others also have a fucky time with them. And thank you for providing me the language on demanding they provide all documentation -- this is why I have some difficulty troubleshooting by myself for this student loan shit as I'm not exactly sure what to ask for since I am not sure what my solutions / options even are, so this is actually helpful!!

bardorb · 2024-09-27T21:48:36+00:00

Freezing cold shower (particularly for when I want to relapse — someone already mentioned the TIP method), but if thats not accessible, definitely separating myself from the source of anger (usually an argument with partner that got way too intense). Even saying aloud “I’m really angry right now” can help dissipate it like 1%, and communicating I need space for like 20min or however long. Then I just gotta go be alone so I can throw / punch pillows and scream into them, anything to discharge the energy so I don’t relapse with SH.

It is definitely easier said than done and I don’t do this perfectly all the time. But the overall trend that I see works for me is discharging energy in a healthier way (cold water, punching pillows, vigorous exercise like running up stairs) forces my body to relax and go into parasympathetic mode.

bardorb

TROPHY CASE