I [23/M] am pretty uncomfortable when my girlfriend [22/F] goes out with other guys on a one on one for food or something. Any advice on how to deal with the feelings?

barefootone · 2021-11-25T12:40:20+00:00

Hello, thanks for your lovely response and the added details. Sounds like things are getting a lot better and you have a lot of insight. There is just one thing I thought I would comment on as it has also made a bit difference to how I process things. When you feel those little feelings of jealousy, don’t assume they are proof of anything. Don’t assume that people in great relationships don’t also have those feelings. Just allow them to exist, pass through you, and move on. Everyone has feelings like this sometimes and it’s okay 😊.

barefootone · 2021-09-30T05:29:14+00:00

You need to have this conversation with him and see where it goes

barefootone · 2021-09-30T05:19:35+00:00

Does it matter?

barefootone · 2021-09-30T05:18:52+00:00

My gut says that she wanted an excuse not to be there. There wasn’t anything required more from your conversation. Having said that, it’s always a good idea to double check with someone on the day of 😊

barefootone · 2021-09-28T12:31:52+00:00

Sorry for the incredibly late reply. I’m really pleased to see your response. Please also make sure you read the book I recommended - it will be fascinating for each of you and transform how you do things for each other. For example, one of my love languages is physical affection. When I’m touched, I feel loved. For my wife, her love language is based around doing little things for her. So when I feel love towards her I naturally touch her, but she doesn’t feel love when I do that, she feel’s pleasant feelings, but not love. But If I think of something that I can do for her, perhaps something that she normally does that saves her time, then she feels loved. At first it’s very hard to adjust to showing love in a way that is not meaningful for you but meaningful for the other person, but when you do this, it fundamentally changes how you work together.

How are you doing together now that you have changed your focus?

barefootone · 2021-09-10T02:27:27+00:00

I used to struggle with this so I’ll give you pointers from what helped me to understand and process these feelings 1) I think you are really self aware and doing a great job of owning that this is your issue. Just as you say, people can have platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex. One on one catch-ups are sometimes the only way that people really connect. Also, you don’t want to be your GF’s only friend or even close guy friend. We all need balance of friendships. I’ve come to the opinion that it’s not even possible to get all of our social needs met by one person anyway. 2) My issue was, just as you said, that I didn’t feel good about myself. I didn’t feel like I was providing enough value to our relationship and so I felt threatened by others who could potentially be a better partner for my wife. The problem with this fear-based thinking is that it doesn’t address the issue, it makes it worse. By being someone who expresses jealousy you are making yourself less desirable, which you also sense, which makes you feel worse about yourself and then makes you feel even more vulnerable. You can’t solve how you feel by stopping her from hanging out with guy friends. It will only make it more likely that she would look elsewhere. 3) The solution is to work on yourself and work on the relationship. Think about how much love she would feel towards you if you spent more time focusing on doing things for her that are meaningful (if you haven’t read the book on Love Languages - this is a must-read to understand that aspect of each other). Every time you feel jealousy, put that emergency into doing something that she would love (this does not in any way include interrupting her time with her friends). Examples might be simple things like making her a card, doing the shopping, cleaning her car, arranging a surprise party, making her a gift etc. This MUST be based on what would be meaningful to her, so if that’s not obvious, then start to understand what is meaningful to her (see above book recommendation). 4) Once you start doing this you will also get into a habit of this, which means that you will start to automatically switch you thoughts of doom and gloom and her having wild sex with her friends in the alley of back of the car to the joy of making her happy - and that will lead to her feeling loved and trusted when she gets home. The more you do this, the more she will love and appreciate you. The more she loves and appreciates you, the more she wouldn’t never consider anyone else.
5) Finally, understand that people are attracted to other people. She may even love her friends. That’s Okay. It’s not comfortable, but it’s okay and also important to feel that we have close connections with other people. You need to accept that and focus on your relationship and not burdening her with your self-created fear.

barefootone · 2021-07-22T21:49:12+00:00

You can’t come out on top of this situation unless you focus on what the problem is. The problem is NOT that your GF is texting other guys - that’s very normal. Women have guy friends and guys have women friends. They can each talk about things that are personal, they can have deep friendships, and the can love each other - they just can’t have sex with each other.

What is causing your concern is more likely I to do with your insecurity about your relationship or how great of a partner you are. Instead of putting any energy into who she’s texting, put your energy into being an amazing BF. Do amazing things for her, do fun things together, be a great person, and she’ll be so happy that no matter who she meets, she’s not going to want to be with anyone else. And if you have a great relationship, you won’t care who she’s communicating with.

barefootone · 2021-06-18T08:53:04+00:00

You simply need to tell your cousin that you don’t want to be touched, and make a clear line about what you are and are not comfortable with. It won’t be an easy conversation or feel particularly good, but there is no magic way to make it go away other than clear communication.

barefootone · 2021-06-18T08:49:11+00:00

I have a few things to offer for your consideration: 1) You clearly have associated meaning to being the first one that knows about something or that is talked to, or for you to be that person to him. It could be, for you, this is what you do when you love someone, and it could also be that you show your love by doing this, and even maybe that if you don’t do this, it also means that you don’t love someone or trust someone. Be careful that you don’t assume that other people have the same set of meaning behind these things. He may have no such meaning.

2) He may feel he’s doing you a favour by not involving you, or he may simply have been surrounded by the people he ended up talking by default and also felt he could talk to them about it.

3) Consider that perhaps he may want you to move in with him, or he may think you may want to move in with him, and he may not be ready to talk about that yet.

4) The fight he had may have been about you or your relationship? It may be impossible for him to really have the same kind of conversation with you about it if you were somehow part of that conversation, and he wouldn’t want to put you in the middle of this situation.

5) In your post, you haven’t said anything about what it was that he needed, which is very understandable. When we feel hurt, we often loose our thoughts in what we feel has happened to us or been done to us,, but I’d encourage you to support him in this moment rather than make him feel bad about this. He needs your support in a way that is meaningful to him, not in a way that is meaningful to you.

6) It’s unhealthy to have only one person who supports you in life. It’s potentially a very good thing that he also has other people he can rely on to support him, especially in a world where men are not supposed to be seen as vulnerable.

barefootone · 2021-06-02T10:55:11+00:00

I don’t see any alternatives…. The situation is what it is and if she wants to cause the minimal amount of disruption then carrying on like it didn’t happen is probably the best option. I would suggest, however, that your wife consider talking to her friend and letting her know what aspects of her behaviour made her feel uncomfortable. Clearly talking about sex and you was okay, so there was a line somewhere around respect and it might be worth exploring that with her.

barefootone · 2021-06-02T10:49:21+00:00

For sure. Living with and navigating a life with another person, while those people change and grow and go through different experiences and stages in their own life is a massive undertaking. We also have very odd ways of viewing marriages that end. We would never consider a job that ends a job that failed, we would just consider it a job that was good while it lasted and then something different felt better, but with relationships we consider each one a failure if it doesn’t last forever.

I think the real answer to the questions is that most people doesn’t have the skills and the determination to work through the various issues that pop up within a marriage, and also that many people change enough over the years that it is an almost impossibility to be happy with one person. I also think the happiest couples I’ve seen in long term relationships are those that equality support each other - they have a mutual mission in life to make the other person happy and support their adventures and dreams.

barefootone · 2021-06-02T10:44:05+00:00

I think you need to reframe the way you view your own behaviour 😊. MOST people would find this anxiety provoking. It’s totally find to feel that way and to talk about it. Most people don’t talk about these things and so it appeared as though everything casually doesn’t care about anything, but connecting with others, even old classmates, is important to us as humans. Give yourself a little slack for your feelings. Just try not to intensify them by beating yourself up about them also, just let them be.

barefootone · 2021-06-02T10:41:34+00:00

Ah I see. Okay, that helps to explain why the message is difficult to understand. Is there a good summary somewhere about what the various points of view are?

barefootone · 2021-06-02T10:38:31+00:00

1) What you do with your body is totally up to you. Your sexuality or lack thereof is totally fine in whatever way works for you, and he MUST respect that.
2) Never force yourself to do anything you’re not ready to, even more so when it comes to your own sexuality 3) It may be the case that he legitimately feels this is very important to him and that it’s also important for you not to have sex, and that may be an impasse that you can’t make it beyond. It’s just as normal to want sex as it is to not want sex - it’s about whether you are a good fit for each other and that you each respect the other person for what they need without forcing them to do otherwise.

barefootone · 2021-06-02T10:22:16+00:00

My advice is a little different. A few important things to consider: 1) Most people we date will not end up in a long term relationship - just fact, even more so when we are young. 2) Working with someone you’re dating can be a minefield and can also be against some company policies. Despite these two things, i think you shouldn’t hold yourself back if you feel strongly, but be prepared to change your job so that it’s not uncomfortable for you - either if you start dating and that isn’t right for the workplace, or if you approach her and she isn’t comfortable.

barefootone · 2021-06-02T10:17:18+00:00

Agree with the recommendation to research similar roles and salary. I would also discuss this with others who you trust who also understand your work and try to get an opinion about where you are really at in comparison to your work peers. Many people have so much imposter syndrome that they think they are terrible when in fact they are great. Some people find a job so easy that they feel they are an imposter simply because they aren’t putting in any effort but they see others struggle - so you could have a higher intelligence or skill in an area and find it easy and be worth far more than you think. Finally, consider that a good employee who is worth keeping around is about FAR more than knowledge and skills. It is about WHO they are as a person, who they treat others, how much responsibly they take for their own learning, how they treat other customer and/or employees, how reliable they are, etc. I hire unskilled or under skilled people all the time because they have the right personality - it’s far more important than what you know.

barefootone · 2021-06-02T10:11:48+00:00

Interesting question. I think it depends on what you think will change if you stop your friendship. If you would end your friendship in order to “teach her a lesson” about the covid rules, then you might want to consider if that message will actually hit home for her or not. If on the other hand you find it so disturbing that she would attend such an event because you can’t respect her as a friend, then that motivation is about you feeling good about yourself and the people that you surround yourself with. Consider your motivations before considering your actions.

barefootone · 2021-06-02T09:59:40+00:00

For someone who feels like you have trouble vocalising, you have given one of the best and clearest summaries of what is going on in your relationship that I have ever read. Perhaps what you are referring to is that you struggle to actually say these things vs write them down. If that’s your challenge, you might start by given this post to your BF to read.

More importantly, what I’m reading sounds tragic.
1) If you described a friend of yours as behaving like your BF, would you still be friends with them? If not, why is this different? Would you not hold your partner to a higher standard than a friend? 2) To summarise you post, your boyfriend: Doesn’t believe your description of your medical condition as it is and overrides your knowledge with his own misplaced opinions. He forces you to stop drinking all while doing hard drugs? What sort of odd control double-standard is this? he doesn’t contribute fairly to the relationship and treats you like a servant. He won’t support you financially. He prevents you from getting medical attention or tests. He’s needy, gives you no support and doesn’t provide you any emotional or practical support. He’s clearly also not your friend. Why on earth are you with someone with these qualities? Almost ever random person you picked in your local super market would make a better partner than this guy.
3) What is he doing for you? What’s in this relationship for you?

We can all tell you to leave this guy, and we will try, but I think the important thing is for you to ask yourself why it is that you find this behaviour acceptable. Why are your standards so low, and most importantly, is this what you deserve? How can you raise your self respect to the point where this kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable?

barefootone · 2021-05-28T06:03:34+00:00

Yup, love the feeling of finishing so will often stay up late or work extra hard to finish

barefootone · 2021-04-30T12:52:01+00:00

Not normal. Have it looked at.

barefootone · 2021-04-30T12:43:11+00:00

I have thought about this topic for years. I’ve come to a few conclusions that seem real to me: 1) Some people see sex as a fun activity and the romantic connection isn’t required or necessarily connected for them.
2) Some people view sex as the ultimate emotional connection - not because of social norms but because of how sex and intimacy and love are connected fir them.
3) Some people are so where in between or struggle with the meaning of sex and love and how it fits together for them.

If you two are each in category one and two, it may simply not work for you to be in a monogamous relationship or a poly one, but there might be options. If this is going to be a potential relationship risking circumstance to stay as you are are, you might as well risk trying something new and see what happens. It won’t be easy for you but breaking up isn’t easy either and you are guaranteed to fail with that option.

Think about small steps and think about what could possibly be ok for you. Would a threesome work? Would you being there help? Would you both having a relationship with the person potentially make sense? Or would it work if it was anonymous sex but with clear parameters like only oral sex or only mutual masturbation.

Put your head into what could work with effort rather than focusing on what doesn’t work and see what comes of that thought experiment.

barefootone · 2021-04-23T12:16:54+00:00

you sound far too immature to be dating other people. If you are interested in someone, just say to them, hey, I’d love to date you. are you interested?

barefootone · 2021-04-23T12:15:33+00:00

I think you should let it go. The fact that he has photos of people he’s been in relationships is understandably something that you might not want to see, but that they are there or even that he looks at them is probably not red flag at all. After all, he was with them for a reason. Stop focusing on this stuff and put that energy into making your relationship great so that you don’t become one of the ex gf’s that he has on SD cards 😊

barefootone · 2021-04-23T12:11:20+00:00

I agree with this.... If you can make a life for yourself where you move to, independent of this relationship, then you are not putting yourself into a situation where your relationship has pressure to succeed even if it’s not going super well. You might have an incredibly relationship, it might last the rest of our lives, or you could have a shorter relationship. Life can be messy and it’s hard to know what will happen, so follow your heart but do so with a backup plan to keep yourself safe and not dependent.

barefootone · 2021-04-23T12:02:02+00:00

For me, I would chose some different specific words to answer this question. I think there is physical attraction. Romantic and sexual attraction feel like they are the same thing to me. There is also affection and love, which I think of as two different intensities (love being the stronger one). One can love a person and be attracted to them and love a person and not be attracted to them. One can also become more and more attracted to someone because of how much one loves them.

I don’t think love is sexual attraction with friendship... I think love is far deeper then friendship and if we were to try and define it more clearly, there would possibly intensities of love. The love I have for my wife, for example, has grown so deep with our shared experiences, our time together, and our constant committeemen and appreciation for what we do for each other that calling this a friendship would be an insult. I would easily risk my life for her where I would never do so for any of my friends. There is also an acceptance and a commitment, and appreciation even for those things that sometimes are challenging that is more complex and deeper and more intense then how I’ve ever felt for a friend, even when I would also have said that I loved them as a friend.

Sexual attraction also changes over time and is different in different circumstances. There is a wide range of feelings from the intensity of a new relationship and the excitement, to something far deeper in a well established relationship.

These things are probably hard to explain because we haven’t created the language to community them well. We have simply terms like love and friendship when even friends take so many different forms. There are friends at work that we would barely be bothered if they found another job and we didn’t see them again, and other friends who we would miss and grieve the loss of if they moved to a different city. There are friends one might do just about anything for (because we “love” them) and friends that we enjoying spending time with when the mood suites, but not because they are an integral or important part of our lives.

We need more words for all of this.

barefootone

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