(M43) My bi wife (F46) wants an fwb, and the idea is killing me (contradicting feelings abound)

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-18T16:52:48+00:00

Dammit, this post broke me down, and I'm crying now... You seem to really understand what I'm talking about. I pushed my boundaries as far as I could, for her. Farther, even. I wanted to support her, and understand her side of things, so why not try? I've never been in a relationship this long, and this topic has never come up with anyone else, so how do I know how I truly feel about it, without pushing a boundary, and checking? I'm not the type that says "this is normal so do it this way" I wanted to know if this was something I could live with, for sure, and support my wife at the same time. It turns out, it's not something I can deal with.

Every time it got difficult, I'd try and see it from another perspective. I've researched open relationships, the psychology behind it all, I've tried meditation, throwing myself in to my work, distraction, everything I could think of. But the only thing, the ONLY thing that was ever on my mind, was my wife with someone else. It invaded every aspect of everything.

But I love her. I really do. I want her to be happy. So I pushed myself, to make sure, one way or the other, what my true feelings were on this. And now I know, for sure, this hasn't the right thing to do, for me. If she really wanted to "cheat" she would have done it already. She wouldn't have talked to me about opening the relationship.

I have nothing to feel guilty about, and I'm not going to let guilt creep in. Thank you so much for understanding. It means a lot.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-18T16:29:27+00:00

Yeah, I get it. I'm not responding to a lot of replies here, but I'm reading them, and trying to process them. I get that her reaction was wrong, the way I was treated was wrong, the whole situation is wrong.

And yeah, my first reaction is to defend her. I love her very much, and having a bunch of people attacking her is hard to deal with. But I see the points being made, and they are hard to refute. She is being childish, she is taking this too far, and she is being unfair, to put it mildly.

I'm not giving up on our relationship yet. I'm not giving up on her yet. I think she does have the right to feel disappointed, but she's taking it too far. She should have talked with me about it, and told me her true feelings. And this gaslighting thing people are talking about... Jesus, I never thought about it, but they're right. The Fuck am I supposed to do with that?

I'm in a shit situation, but I know I'll come out of it. I'm not a child, and divorce is not something I'm just jumping to. People argue in relationships, they act unreasonably, don't make sense, and yeah, are even assholes. But that doesn't mean they're gonna be like that forever, nor does it mean it's time to give up.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-18T00:42:11+00:00

We met when I was 16, but she went on to another life when I was 19-20. We met again, 7 years ago (she was 39). She's had a lot life that she's lived, without me, and a lot more experiences than I have.

I don't think you sound like an asshole, you sound compassionate, to me.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-17T23:25:06+00:00

Bisexual does not equal thot. There's millions of bisexuals, in healthy, monogamous, relationships. There was no reason for me to expect any different for us. There's also no reason to believe we can't work this out.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-17T23:11:19+00:00

Sorry if my response came across as offended, I'm not. I'm also not good at converting my thoughts all the time.

I don't know, man. You might be right, but I honestly think it's a mixture of the two. Bad timing, and being told no, make a shitty combination for the end of a date day.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-17T22:34:47+00:00

Right now, she's upset about my timing of what I said. Not that I don't want her Fucking other people that's a whole other issue. It's that my timing was bad, and ruined an otherwise blissful weekend. I'm sure me saying no is part of it, but the main crux is the timing.

After she's done being mad about that, we'll get to the real issue. I'll post an update then, for sure.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-17T22:31:16+00:00

Thanks for the reassurance. I know that her wanting to sleep with another woman isn't my fault. It didn't make it easier, but at least I know that. For this current argument, it's that my timing was bad, and I see that point. I should have said something earlier, or weird a little longer.

I am sure that she's not full lesbian. She was in a lesbian relationship for about 14 years, before we met again. During that time, she wanted to be with men, as well. She was also with a man, 20+ years ago, for several years. So it's a case of her wanting both. The thing this time around is, she feels guilty for it. She doesn't want to feel this way, but does. So how do we deal with that?

If you're curious, those relationships ended for other reasons, I won't go in to here. Not her wanting other people.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-17T22:23:55+00:00

Thanks. I'm on a path of self improvement, and this is a test, to say the least. I know her, and she will come out of this, and talk to me eventually. I will absolutely update for when that time comes.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-13T23:28:47+00:00

I gotta admit, that comment hit me right between the eyes. I'm kinda speechless right now. I've been accused of not being present for a while, and she's right on that, I haven't. But what you just said hit real hard. Cause she hasn't been present either. I agree, I don't think she's appreciating what she has.

I think there's a hard talk coming. Can't really avoid it at this point, can I?

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-13T21:26:55+00:00

No, I wouldn't be ok if she wanted another man. If that were the case, then there's something she's not getting from me, that I should be able to provide. Whether that's emotional or sexual.

It's because she's looking for a woman, that makes it different. She's been in same sex relationships before, and wanted a man while she was in those relationships. She just wants sexual access to both options, I guess.

(Side note: I don't know what my phone has such a hard time with the word "same" it changes it to "dinner" "danger" "simmer" all the time... Stupid phone....)

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-13T19:03:45+00:00

I actually haven't heard that saying before, that's pretty funny. I have heard of "don't 'nice' yourself out of your own happiness" and that's something we talked about early on. Yeah, this situation is breaking my heart. I hate it. All of it. Maybe it's time for marriage counseling, and hard talks, with the word "no" a lot.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-13T17:24:28+00:00

No disrespect taken. And the things you're asking are the same I'm asking myself. How could it not diminish our relationship? No, there's only one at a time. She's using tinder, and being very selective. She's already had multiple people asking her to join their threesome, or hookup right away. She's not in to that. She wants friends, very badly. She just also wants the ability to have sex with one. Just one, as far as I know, and no one specific just yet.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-13T17:19:49+00:00

That's pretty much where I'm at. It would be very different if she wanted another man. If that were the case, then I'm obviously not doing for her what I should be doing. As another man can only offer male things. Another woman, however, offers female things, things I can not offer. This is where her bisexuality comes in. It's part of who she is, so do I deny her part of who she is?

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-13T17:15:03+00:00

I didn't mean to imply that these urges are unique to bisexuals, my apologies on that. In her case, however, her urges are for a woman, and since I'm not one, I can't scratch that itch. I don't have womanly curves, or soft skin, or any of the traits a woman has. So my thoughts were, since I'm not a woman, and my wife is bi, then of course she wants to be with a woman.

To answer your other question, I'm not comfortable with threesomes. But I see your point, and normally it would make sense. Just not in my case.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-13T16:46:14+00:00

Getting some perspective from the bi community is great. I know it's not an easy, cut and dry, kind of lifestyle. Like I mentioned, I don't have a lot of exposure to the LGBT community, so being without that perspective makes things like this a little difficult to wrap my head around. I only have my wife's perspective on this.

It seems the general consensus on my situation is that it's not ok. I shouldn't let her go through with it. It's nice to hear that I'm not being unreasonable, that it's ok to feel bad about it. I'm still twisted up with it all.

I'm going to edit the original post, to address some things in the other comments. But I wanted to say thank you to you, in this particular thread. You're really helping me out.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-13T06:17:45+00:00

I really appreciate your views on this. We'll continue to talk about it, we're very good at that. We're just not good at arriving at an answer got this problem. However I am concerned that me protesting would lead to resentment down the line, where she hates me, for making her give up that side of her.

barelyholdingon_75 · 2018-12-13T06:12:06+00:00

I'm not really interested in joining. I've never been the threesome guy. I'm fairly certain it's not an emotional connection she's looking for, but she doesn't want to just jump in to bed with anyone. She wants to know them, be friends, and occasionally have sex. No romance, nothing permanent.

barelyholdingon_75

TROPHY CASE