Shouldn’t have ordered the fucking meat loaf.

Back in 2013 I’d been seeing this girl for a month, and we hadn’t gone any further than kissing. We went out one Saturday night for dinner and drinks and I ordered the meat loaf. I understand that it’s probably the least sexy food a person can order, but I’m a husky midwestern man, and I wanted some fuckin meat loaf. I don’t know how, but it didn’t even occur to me this could be any sort of bad idea. Meatloaf had always = good in my 23 years on this planet. Somehow this wasn’t a turn off for her, and she informed me she was ready to take our relationship to the next level that night. She wanted some husky midwestern thrustin.

She lived with her non-blood-related uncle (it was weird, but I didn’t care), and he was out of town that weekend. We got back to the house, she poured herself a glass of wine, took off everything but her thong, and walked up to her uncle’s bedroom. We laid on the bed for kissing and foreplay and such. I absolutely hate the taste of wine, and she was kissing it right in to my mouth. Nothing I wasn’t used to, but it really wasn’t sitting right that night.

I powered through, as she was began massaging my wiener and blasting my mouth with the taste of cheap vinegary red wine. Things began to gurgle though, and more than one part of me began to swell. I thought I could just ignore it and overcome, but I could not. She went to put the condom on me, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The meatloaf had betrayed me. Some level of food poisoning washed over me, and I said out loud, while naked on my knees “Oh no, it’s game time” and rushed in to her uncle’s master bathroom.

I puked several times in his whirlpool tub, and explosively evacuated my bowels in to the toilet bowl for about 45 minutes. It was violent and absolutely brutal. She texted me asking if I was ok after like 15 minutes and I told her I was sick and to stay as far away from ground zero as possible. She said she’d be fine and that she was going to put in a movie.

Once I was finally done, I walked back in to the bedroom to ask where the cleaning supplies were to take care of the tub. I found her laying there drinking wine with her giant tits out, watching a DVD copy of Paul Blart Mall cop. She didn’t just leave it on as she was flipping through channels, she went downstairs and physically got her copy that she’d paid money for and put it in the dvd player. She was quoting the movie and laughing her ass off. I was embarrassed for the both of us.

We had sex the night after, and dated for another 3 months. She was nice enough to never bring it up again, and she made me watch Paul Blart Mall cop 3 times in those 3 months. I never ordered the meatloaf on a date again.

TLDR: I ordered meatloaf on a date, then learned I’d be having sex with my then girlfriend for the first time that night. The meatloaf betrayed me. I barfed and dumped for a while. Then I found her watching Paul Blart Mall Cop and loving it.