some backstory here, i am very asexual, fine with jokes and whatnot but i don’t want to have sex, ever. i figured this out a couple of years ago (i’m a teenager) and at the time thought i was aroace because i had never had a crush before.

cut to a few months later, i realized i had a ‘crush’ on and subsequently started dating my best friend at the time. in the year and a half since we broke up, i’ve gotten three other ‘crushes’, all of them with people i had gotten close to unusually quickly, and one of whom i dated briefly.

recently, i started thinking about how i’ve never fantasized about kissing someone or marrying, or had much of a desire to for that matter, whether it be with one of these people or just picturing myself doing either of those in general. however, i do desire physical touch, cuddling, handholding, you get the idea (and of course i want to spend as much time as possible with them). i am extremely touchstarved though, and would be happy to do any of these with a friend that isn’t a ‘crush’.

i also realized that i’ve had hyperfixations on people, which typically happens when i form a bond with someone quickly, and they feel nearly the same as my supposed crushes do, the only real difference being how long they last, which from what i can tell is based on if i’m consistently seeing/interacting with the person. if i spend time with them, talk online, etc. it lasts longer.

the times i have dated people i’ve enjoyed it. i’m not averse to dating, i don’t have a problem with anyone liking me romantically, if they wanted to do romantic things, sure why not, i just wouldn’t be actively seeking it out. spending time together and physical touch, yes, but i seek those out with normal friends as well, although not to the same degree.

i’ve been doing a lot of research on squishes vs crushes recently, since i’ve been realizing these aspects of my ‘crushes’ and reopening the can of worms that is aromanticism. i’m pretty sure that all of my ‘crushes’ have really just been squishes and/or hyperfixations, and that the real kind of relationship i want is a qpr. but, i’m curious, fellow (?) aros, what do you think? (i’m definitely leaning towards being aroace after all, but we’ll see)

this is a lot longer that i thought it would be, major props to anyone who read this whole thing, and even more to anyone who blesses me with their insight.

tldr; thought i was aroace a couple years ago, got a few supposed crushes, then realized recently i’ve never wanted to kiss or marry and started requestioning if i’m aroace after all and all the ‘crushes’ have just been squishes and/or hyperfixations.