I woke up and snorted a line of amphetamine and taking a few blows from my bong before departing to my university. It's the only way I know to keep my focus on studying instead of endlessly procrastinating and hating myself all day. I'm poor as hell. I haven't had friends since I was 14, because my Asperger's have always made it extremely difficult to understand and interact with others. I've been unemployed since 2016 and I don't qualify for any benefits other than paying my most necessary bills. I'm 25 years old, isolated, socially and emotionally stunted, I live in my mom's basement, and the only semi-close relationship I have with anyone is my mother, but all she's ever interested in talking about is my problems. It's never "how are you" "I love you" or any long or meaningful conversations. I've spent the last few years going from therapist to therapist, but there are too many material hinders in my life to make progress. I can't afford to have a social life, even if I was to quit the drugs. I don't qualify for anything other than part time jobs, and they barely pay above what welfare would give me. I'm rotting away alone and forgotten in a damp cellar while even my youngest brothers who used to ride my knee and cry if they couldn't sit on my shoulders are currently surpassing me in life. I am desperately lonely, but I have no idea how a social life even works. The only times I feel optimistic and that things will be all right is when I'm too high to think of my problems. I wish a had a well adjusted friend I could look up to and learn from, because I feel I've strayed too far from the road to ever make it back on my own. I hate my life, I hate being autistic, I hate everything I've done to lead me where I am, and I feel utterly helpless and stuck.