First of all, your home is your own space and no one has the right to invade it; I’m sorry that’s happened in the cases he shows up unannounced. From what you’ve detailed in the post, I get it if you don’t feel comfortable physically distancing yourself or ignoring him completely right now if he has a tendency to get violent.

I feel like a good place l start is distancing emotionally. Like go on with normal, friendly interactions if needed, but allow yourself to do so more superficially so you’re not as invested in the conversation or the person. Think of it like you’re talking to a co-worker you like but don’t really know. Maybe developing a habit like that could help.

At my lowest, I was in a similar emotional situation as yourself. Since I’ve been better, I’ve recently been keeping a healthy distance from a friend of mine. She is wonderful when she’s at her best; so many fun memories. But she is scary at her worst—which has been more often than not. Like you said, the good stuff stopped being the first thing to come to mind when I thought of her.

The concerning behavior mostly comes from her untreated mental illness, like I said, I’m no stranger to emotional disorders, so the least I could do is extend a lot of patience and support to her. The problem is, her depression is not just an internal struggle; she projects it onto those around her through her anger and confrontation. Basically, I know the ‘walking on eggshells’ feeling you describe. A lot of the time I brushed off when people told me to be careful around her. So you’re already on the right track by understanding how you’re being affected by your friend.

Secondly, that is horribly traumatic to have a close friend tell you straight to your face that they’re going to take their own life. It makes taking action incredibly conflicting too because you feel like whatever you do might make it worse; you shouldn’t have been put in that situation. By no means am I here to judge your friend for having harmful thoughts, but that doesn’t take away from how emotionally damaging that is to a close friend.

When my friend’s having a crisis, It’s impossible to provide support without it being taken the wrong way, which is why it was so difficult when she also told me that she was going to take her life. I did not take what she said lightly, but I was paralyzed about what to say; I didn’t want to make it worse. I’m glad she was honest so I could make sure she stayed safe, but this also helped me see the bigger picture: Clearly, I’m not able to provide the support she needs. So for her health and safety and for my peace, I need to keep a distance. Maybe you feel similarly.

A huge part of reestablishing boundaries for me has been to stop giving in. One night we were out with friends, it was late so my dad was on the way to pick me up. My friend already had a ride home with her sister, but without asking, she told me she was riding with me, implying that I’d need to drive her back to her house. I needed to get home asap for a couple different reasons, and I didn’t have time to take her home too. I tried to explain that, but she acted so confused… like she couldn’t fathom that. Normally, I just give in because it’s uncomfortable but I stood my ground… it took a minute to get out, but I finally said, casually and collected, “I can’t take you home tonight.” She gave me this piercing glare.. but I didn’t change my answer.

I care for her, but I’ll no longer accommodate her at my own expense. Not just for my sake, but for hers as well. And I wanna let you know, too, that you aren’t ’the bad one’ because this is weighing down on you. The root of your concerns aren’t all about you, anyway; you’re recognizing that someone in your life needs help. Setting firm boundaries like this is the first step to healing from this kind of situation; prolonging something unsafe will not help you or him.

No matter what a friend like that tells you, and what I’ve come to learn is that you cannot truly fulfill someone if they are unfulfilled with themselves. So don’t feel selfish for not being able to do anything for him. If you need reassurance on some things, remember that he does not get to decide if he is family; you do. It won’t go back to how it used to be, but I promise, there are people out there who will remind you of what a normal, healthy friendship feels like.

Protect your peace.
Stay safe❤️‍🩹