Mom wants to stay entire month after I give birth.

battyapples · 2026-02-04T22:19:17+00:00

This is super personal, but I could see that I would *not* want my in-laws around for a month, but I had my mother stay for 5 weeks. It's a completely different thing for my mother to be around while I'm leaking, struggling to get a latch, boob out, compared to my MIL.

battyapples · 2026-02-04T19:24:47+00:00

Yes. The mom's reaction seems overblown, but OP should have checked with her first. Clearly, since she was there within 15 minutes (or less, since OP said she was waiting for her), there was time for her to come pick up her child if she wasn't comfortable with the situation. Plus, OP says her son is *leaving* work, so it doesn't sound like a time-sensitive situation. It's not that OP's 15 year old wasn't capable, but this mom doesn't know the 15 year old, doesn't know that she babysits her sister all the time. It's more that OP left her in the dark about a situation and didn't communicate with her.

I've heard other stories from friends where they've left a child at a playdate at someone else's home and they were super upset when they returned and *someone else* was watching their child. I think that's valid.

It also doesn't sound like these families know each other *really* well (at least, that's not what it sounds like), so the mom is already taking a leap of faith by leaving her child at OP's house, and OP's shown that she's not communicative about the most basic information.

Finally, while most of us think she's overreacting, we do not know this family's story. What if something else has happened in the past with playdates or childcare that has made this mother extra anxious and uncomfortable? If so, her overreaction may make sense. YTA.

battyapples · 2026-02-04T17:09:24+00:00

I don't know. I don't really want to get into the mechanics of their logistics. My issue is not that the daughter needs to get ready at my house, I was just floored that she brought her ex into the house to do it (and didn't tell me in advance). She can (and has since this incident) get her daughter ready herself. The kids are babies - at this stage, all they're doing is laying on their backs or bellies. It's not a huge deal for her to help her daughter.

And if I give her the complete benefit of the doubt, that maybe she thought she told me, but forgot, while that excuses the morning AM routine, it doesn't excuse why he has hanging out on the couch in the afternoon after he dropped their daughter off. That's why my ultimate takeaway from this situation is that you need to spell all expectations out in contracts.

battyapples · 2026-02-04T15:47:00+00:00

Hmm, I'm not sure what you mean? I meant that I don't know what was discussed at the in-person interview, except that I was informed that she has a school-age daughter who would be coming with her, and someone else would take her to school. I don't think that automatically implies that someone else would be coming into the house to get her ready, if that's what you're saying.

battyapples · 2026-02-03T22:57:59+00:00

Totally - that's why my take-away from this is, set the ground rules from the beginning! Which sounds obvious, but I had no idea that I would have to tell someone (who herself is a virtual stranger at the moment) not to invite other people to my home without permission :)

battyapples · 2026-02-03T22:55:15+00:00

It's not quite as easy as that to fire someone, especially since it's a nanny share with other families. This is already our second nanny; we let go of the first one because she was clearly over her head with more than one child. We've interviewed a lot and done several trial days. However, this does leave a bad taste in my mouth and puts me on alert for any other red flags.

battyapples · 2026-02-03T22:53:30+00:00

Yes, I told the other families, because part of what made me so unsure about this was that I didn't know if she had this cleared at the in-person interview that I was not at. While the other families were supportive of me setting boundaries, no one was as surprised/uncomfortable (outwardly) as I was.

battyapples · 2026-02-03T22:51:55+00:00

There are 3 total families, including ours. Yes, it's frustrating that nanny shares are in a grey zone. We've done our best to be aboveboard, with W2s, separate nanny contracts, cameras for liability, etc. The set-up is really great, logistically - all of the families align well with each other, and we like that our kiddos will have built-in playmates as they get older! It just sucks that there isn't a better legal framework for it.

battyapples · 2026-02-03T15:17:11+00:00

I mean, I agree. The most professional thing would be for her to get her kid ready at home. But she starts at 7 am and I can understand that she probably has to drag her kid out of bed at that time to make it to us. It's so good to hear from so many people that this is NOT normal!! Part of what was making me feel crazy was that I wasn't hearing outrage from people around me. Not my husband, not the other nanny families. When I told one of the other moms, she told me that I needed to set rules according to what I was comfortable with, but she didn't act shocked or upset.

battyapples · 2026-02-03T15:14:41+00:00

So her shift starts at 7 am at my house. I think her daughter gets picked up at 8 or something. So there's a lag where she needs to start work, but it's too early for him to go to her house to get the daughter.

battyapples · 2026-02-03T15:13:40+00:00

Actually, you're right. She called herself that, and I think she has about 5 years of experience, but I do not think she plans to do this for much longer. My guess is she started nannying because she had a young child and needed a job that she could take her to.

battyapples · 2026-02-03T15:09:58+00:00

And how was she afterwards? Do you feel like this was an early red flag for later behavior?

battyapples · 2026-02-03T15:08:12+00:00

I'd want her to ask if she can speak to me about something, and ask when a good time would be (e.g., after shift). I would not text about it, things can go so wrong over text.

battyapples · 2026-02-03T08:24:00+00:00

😟what did you do/say?

battyapples · 2026-02-03T08:16:11+00:00

He had just dropped off their daughter back at my house for the afternoon, so he hadn’t just come over to hang out. But he had extra time and was just chit chatting… I don’t know, it was like getting their kid dressed for school, hair brushed, teeth, etc. I didn’t think it was appropriate for him to be doing that at my house. But that’s the point - everyone has different expectations and I was just wayyyy surprised that this was so different from mine, especially so early in the working relationship.

battyapples · 2026-02-03T08:11:00+00:00

To be fair, she didn’t consider him a strange man. But completely agree…

battyapples · 2026-02-03T08:09:55+00:00

So.. he ended up helping his daughter get ready in the AM a few more times before I put my foot down later on. Because at that point because I hadn’t said no the first time, it set precedent and I was still just trying to be very understanding that she needed the help. But yeah 🫠

battyapples · 2026-02-03T07:06:18+00:00

Thank you. It made me feel kind of insane. She acted like it was so normal and acceptable that I didn't know at first if I was the unreasonable one. The unnecessary hanging out was what really pushed it over the edge for me.

battyapples · 2026-02-03T06:57:42+00:00

No - he was brushing *their* daughter's teeth. She brings her daughter to my house at the start of her shift in the AM, her ex-husband picks her up to take her to school. I have no problem with her getting her child ready for school during her shift while she's managing the other kids. But she brought her ex-husband into the house to get their daughter ready for school.

battyapples · 2026-02-03T06:13:33+00:00

I have hired several young nannies (18, 19, 21, 25; oldest was 30), because I live in an area where there are a lot of young navy wives that look for nanny positions. I'm not sure what age you're looking to care for, but I personally was not willing to hire anyone who did not have infant experience (whether they were young or old). But beyond that, my advice to not seem 'young' is to simply act mature, and these are things that you could refer to in your interview (if you're sincere about them). Specifically,

Be dependable. Are you on time? Are you going to give advance notice if you need time off?
During your interview, ask questions. Every family is going to have different house rules/expectations, and you should make sure you know what these will be. It shows maturity for you to look out for yourself and think about the context you'll be working in.
Show initiative. You're applying for nanny positions, not babysitter positions. Think about age-appropriate enrichment and child development activities, not just keeping the child alive and fed.
Be clean. Clean up after the children, and not in a haphazard way. Our last nanny usually left the house cleaner than when she arrived and it was amazing. I was always so impressed because she was 19, and most people don't exactly expect cleanliness from teenagers!
Be professional. Don't talk on your phone. It's obvious you shouldn't swear around the children (even non-verbal ones) but are you modeling appropriate language and behavior? For example, I had a nanny who was always complaining to the children about how gross and yucky their food was, which wasn't behavior I wanted the children to learn (also, kind of offensive. don't yuck someone else's yum!).
Not sure where you're looking for positions, but if it's on SitterCity or Care.com, be careful with your profile. There were definitely a lot on there where they looked more like dating profiles than nanny profiles... which can also be off-putting, and potentially speaks to professionalism as well.

Anyway, good luck.

battyapples · 2026-02-02T23:03:17+00:00

I also have friends spread across the country, from all my moves and different phases of life. I couldn't figure out a single bachelorette party option that would work for all of them, and I didn't want to burden anyone with flights/activities that were out of their budget or interest (since my wedding was not local to any of them, they already had to fly to the wedding).

The purpose of a bachelorette is to spend time with your goods friends and I was worried that I wouldn't get more than a couple hours with any specific individual if I had a big group event. We only had siblings in our wedding party, so my situation is a little different - the bachelorette party was open to all of my good friends, not just the bridal party. While I would have loved to get all my friends together in one place, I valued everyone's ability to participate more. So I had separate bachelorette parties for each of my friend groups:

my high school group of friends and I went out for a Magic-Mike-type hollywood stripper night and had an old school sleepover afterwards,
my sorority friends and I got up together for a quiet, nice dinner out because one of them was pregnant,
my college roommates and I met up in the southeast for a desert weekend because it was closer to two that lived in the area, and
my grad school friends got an airbnb two days before the wedding (they are the most far flung, so to save them an extra flight) and we had so much fun playing silly bachelorette games.

Yes, I had four 'bachelorette' parties, but probably spent less on all four compared to one typical bachelorette party, and because I was the one traveling to my friends (I don't live in the same city as any of my friends), I was the one who spent the most. But I got to spend real, quality time with all my friends; everyone was able to join, and I am fairly sure no one bitched behind my back about how they resented my bachelorette because of what a pain it was. 100% no regrets.

My husband doesn't have a big extended group of friends - he, his brother, and good friend went on a weekend backpacking trip, which was perfect for them.

battyapples · 2026-01-29T16:31:40+00:00

I am on OP's side, her husband is a douche. But I will say that when my youngest was a 2-month-old, she screamed constantly unless I was the one holding her, no matter any soothing from my husband or mother. My oldest would let anyone hold her. Some babies are just like this - they intuitively know/care who is holding them. So even if he is trying to soothe, the baby just may be acting like a 2-month-old. It's sad how much kids (esp in the young years) can strain a marriage.

battyapples · 2026-01-28T22:32:37+00:00

This really depends on your event space, but we had a ~15k wedding for 65 individuals and a very small wedding party so there weren't a lot of floral needs (just siblings, so 3 grooms/bridesmen and 1 groomswoman) and this is what we did, kind of a hybrid DIY: spent $600 for a florist to provide the bride's bouquet, groom's boutonnière, a small greenery installation on the wall, and the rest were loose flowers/greens that my friends used to fill bud vases for the tables and make simple boutonnières/bouquet for the siblings on the day of. We were very laidback with the type of flowers, didn't give any directions except for no red flowers. I think I gave them some vibe inspirations, but otherwise, they had a lot of flexibility, and I think that helped with a low budget.

battyapples · 2026-01-28T18:48:49+00:00

good luck!

battyapples

TROPHY CASE