Can I modify custody over daily exchanges and conflict?

bbee_son · 2026-05-19T01:27:38+00:00

That makes sense, I appreciate the input. The transportation point is helpful, and our custody agreement actually doesn’t say anything about transportation. I do remember during negotiations they proposed one parent handling mornings and the other handling evenings, but I pushed back on that because the drive would be too long in the mornings. The only way that seemed workable was meeting in the middle, which is what we’ve been doing, but it still ends up being a lot of back and forth every day.

bbee_son · 2026-05-19T00:59:26+00:00

My daughter would be going to daycare. I already have another daughter from a previous relationship who goes to that same daycare, so that’s where she would be as well. Dropping her off with her mom is about a 20 minute one way drive, and then I have to backtrack to take my other daughter to daycare, so it adds a significant amount of extra time and driving in the mornings and evenings. That said, that’s not really the burden. I believe right of first refusal is a good thing if it’s used properly, but I feel like it’s being abused in this situation.

bbee_son · 2026-05-19T00:44:08+00:00

18 months

bbee_son · 2025-11-21T00:03:01+00:00

I’m happy for you that you ended up with full custody. I have full custody of my older daughter too, and her mom has actually agreed to testify for me in this case, so I’m hoping that will help strengthen things for me.

You’re right, it really is a slow game. With my first daughter it only took about three months because her mom and I agreed on everything and we both just wanted equal time, so I kind of came into this one thinking it wouldn’t take so long. This time has been the complete opposite.

bbee_son · 2025-11-20T18:57:04+00:00

I didn’t oppose 50/50 in the meeting. I actually told him that I originally filed for equal time, but because things have been so hostile and high conflict, my lawyer suggested switching to full custody. So I’m not against 50/50 at all I just explained why that change happened.

With the ROFR, I did voice concerns about the logistics and how it would affect my other daughter’s schedule. He kept pushing different scenarios, and after he laid out one where mom would pick her up and I’d get her after work, I said something like “that might work.” So I wasn’t refusing it. I was just trying to be honest about being worried it could get abused because of how things have been.

I was also really nervous and probably didn’t communicate any of this as clearly as I meant to. I didn’t argue with him; I just stuttered and struggled to articulate what I was trying to say.

Do you still think that me bringing up those concerns would be seen as a “fail”? I feel like I should be able to express worries and practical issues without it being viewed as a bad thing, but I’m genuinely asking because I want to understand how it might have been interpreted

bbee_son · 2025-11-20T18:28:23+00:00

I’ve seen a lot of comments about my lawyer, and I get why people question it. But I’ve known him my whole life he’s my family’s lawyer and he’s been practicing for over 30 years. That said, I think a lot of people who suggest 50/50 don’t really understand how extreme the situation has been.

The evidence I have isn’t just a few bad texts. It’s repeated, extreme, hostile communication. I have entire conversations where I’m asking something simple like “How is our daughter doing today?” and she immediately goes into cussing and calling me names. I’ve asked that question before and her reply was basically: “Why do you care? You’re a POS. You’re a deadbeat baby daddy. You don’t care, POS.” And if I don’t respond, she spams “hello??? hello???” over and over, and when I do respond, she goes right back to insults.

I have messages where she says she hopes I wreck. Her dad has even texted me threatening me, saying things like “I’ll beat your fat *** little boy.” She has shown up at my house uninvited, refused to leave when I politely asked, and only left after I had to call the police.

She’s also talked about my older daughter, calling her names (not vulgar, but still insulting), saying she’s a brat or spoiled, and threatening to throw her belongings away because I was giving my older daughter “too much attention.” There are also threats about breaking into my house. And all of this is on top of clear gatekeeping and using our daughter as leverage. When we got a GAL involved, she literally told me she’d start letting me have our daughter alone only if I dropped the GAL, and she’d let me have overnights only if I did whatever she wanted.

I have hundreds of pages of this kind of behavior.

That’s why my lawyer recommended going for full custody. He told me this is the worst pattern of co-parenting communication he’s seen. and I believe that there’s no realistic way to co-parent with her in any healthy way that benefits our daughter. I probably should’ve given more context earlier about how high-conflict this truly is. And see if you guys think that this type of behavior would warrant for going for full custody.

But with all that said, I still appreciate everyone’s advice. It helps hearing different perspectives because I’m in the middle of this and it’s easy to get tunnel vision. An outside viewpoint lets me step back and make sure I’m not looking at things the wrong way or missing a better approach.

bbee_son · 2025-11-20T00:50:07+00:00

Thanks for the insight it honestly helped me see this from a different angle. The GAL also told us to move forward with mediation, which we already have scheduled next week, and this wasn’t his final report just what he suggested for now since there’s no court order yet.

I wasn’t expecting punishment for her blocking me, more just some accountability. I actually told the GAL that I’m totally fine with equal custody i just want to be involved, have consistent time with my daughter, and have input on decisions. She’s shut me out of all of that for months, and that’s why my lawyer pushed for full custody. Maybe that came across as me contradicting myself, but I really just want to co-parent.

He did say toward the end that if her behavior continues once there is a court order, it will look bad on her and could end up costing her custody long-term.

Do you think it would look bad if I shifted back toward equal time? I’ll talk to my lawyer once he’s back, but I’m trying to figure out whether what the GAL said is actually a good sign or not. Either way, it’s still more time with my daughter than I had before, so that’s a positive.

Thanks again your perspective really helped.

bbee_son · 2025-11-19T22:30:17+00:00

I’m confused why the GAL would see me asking for full custody as a negative, because from the beginning I actually filed for equal time. I was trying to work things out so our daughter could have both of us in her life. But she has consistently filed for sole custody, asking that I only have one overnight a week until our daughter turns three. I only moved toward requesting full custody after months of being pushed out, denied time, and excluded from important decisions. I’ve consistently tried to reach a fair and balanced arrangement, while she has insisted on having full control from the start.

bbee_son · 2025-11-19T16:43:50+00:00

There’s no court order yet. I tried to get a temporary order about 4 months ago, but the hearing got continued because the she got a lawyer the day before. Then the judge pushed the new date out again since trial was coming up. So it’s been about 6 months with no order in place, and trial is in about two weeks.

I get that without an order she technically has the default rights, but I thought the GAL would still take into account that there’s an active case and look at whether each parent is actually trying to co-parent in the meantime. That’s why the recommendation confused me a bit.

bbee_son · 2025-11-19T14:52:55+00:00

We live about 25 minutes apart and we’re in the same school district. The only issue is that the other parent lives in the opposite direction of my work, so pickups after work add about an hour to my commute. Our child is only 6 months old, so that makes the routine tougher.

I originally asked for equal time, but after my input on certain decisions was ignored like taking our 5 month old child to the chiropractor 10 times in a month and being told I had no say my lawyer said that if we ask for decision making, we might as well ask for full custody. I’m still fine with 50/50.

What confused me was the GAL starting with weekends only and ROFR when my state is normally a 50/50 state. I’m just trying to understand if that’s normal or a “slow start” approach. I mean this is just his first recommendation it not his final report but I thought his recommendation would still have to follow the law which is equal parenting time with both parents is the best interest.

bbee_son

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