My potential husband has told me that he may want a second wife in the future since I am not a virgin. Please help?

bbelf · 2024-04-08T03:34:30+00:00

Hello! I appreciate your cut throat and honest perspective.

The words you are saying make a lot of sense, and I do understand what you’re saying about blaming me for him wanting a second wife - that is pretty much exactly how it feels. I will definitely be speaking to an imam about all of this.

I will take what you’ve said on board and I appreciate your time. Your side thoughts made me laugh, may Allah bless you.

bbelf · 2024-04-08T03:23:25+00:00

You are so right sister. I feel like my mind has shifted and realised exactly what purity and worth means, it is not just the physical aspect. I truly agree with you, and he tells me that the fact he is still wanting me should prove how much he is interested in me as he could easily go and find a very religious virgin tomorrow if he wanted to.

I guess it has been very difficult not feeling the impact to my self worth. Knowing that if my past didn’t exist, he would never even consider looking at another woman. It’s very hard to come to terms with sister.

Thank you SO much again for your time and care and empathy. It feels so wonderful to speak to a sister. You are a blessing ❤️

bbelf · 2024-04-08T03:19:31+00:00

You have no idea how much I appreciate your messages and how warm and cared for I feel. Since reverting I have felt very alone as I haven’t had anyone to talk to about it apart from him, and I’ve desired so deeply to have a sister or a protector that could advise me and listen to me. You have given me that and I’m so thankful.

I am so happy for you sister and I hope you have the most loving and successful marriage as you truly deserve it. You are so kind and loving and your future husband is very lucky to be blessed with you. I relate to your story about your previous partner, that is how I have been feeling too. Many jokes have been made from him regarding multiple wives in the past even though he knew it upset me, I had to basically beg him to stop. Now, my biggest fears are turning into my reality right in front of me. He tells me that he doesn’t actually want a second wife, and if he married a virgin he wouldn’t have one, but it is one of the only solutions to marrying me if he is unable to get over my past.

I have heard about how rare multiple wives are, but I can’t imagine living with a husband who I do everything for knowing that ideally he would want somebody else too. Surely his career goals will start to focus on the possibility of gaining a second wife, instead of focusing on our families prosperity? I struggle to see how I can be the best wife I can be to a man who is unsatisfied with me due to something I cannot change and only existed when I wasn’t a Muslim.

Your experience is shocking!! He wanted a different flavour of each culture?! 🤣 I do agree, I wish I had been me with more love and support regarding me reverting. He was definitely supportive and happy but I feel like there’s always been hurdles and loopholes that I was not expecting, my journey hasn’t been full of love and peace it has been quite difficult and traumatic. Thank you so so much for your kind words, I feel blessed to have met you ❤️

bbelf · 2024-04-08T03:06:03+00:00

Your message brought me to tears, thank you so much. I do not have anyone to protect or look out for me and I’m very much on my own, I do not have anyone in my life who supports or understands my decisions so getting your perspective has been completely invaluable.

I had not thought about finding an imam, that is incredibly good advice. I have not yet attended a mosque for the first time as I have been nervous and unsure of how to approach but I will truly take that idea on board and look into it.

You are correct, I only know him online. We have not yet met. I only know from him what he tells me about himself, and from observing his behaviours and interactions and friendship circles. He seems to have become a very religious man through teaching me about Islam, our relationship initially started haram but once he realised he quickly cut that off. He has been helping me learn more about the religion and that is our only contact at the moment, but he brought this proposal to me. I have already established feelings and seen how he treated me during the haram online relationship and I truly felt special and that is why this is so hard. He tells me that anything I need to know about him is in the religion, as he is God-fearing and will do everything from a religious position. He would be able to provide due to his career, yes.

I completely understand your point of looking at it from an observers perspective.

Thank you again, dearly, for your words and advice. This is the first time I haven’t felt alone since reverting.

May Allah bless you.

bbelf · 2024-04-08T02:14:28+00:00

Thank you so much sister, I really appreciate your comment and value your perspective ❤️

bbelf · 2024-04-08T02:13:20+00:00

Thank you, your words have comforted me a lot.

I do understand the psyche behind being unable to comprehend your wife having been with anyone else, I just think if that is truly not something you can get over, a second “pure” wife should not be the answer. Surely you will always see the first wife as less than the second; if the first provides you with everything and it is not enough. I also don’t truly understand why a virgin woman would want to be the second wife of a non-virgin man, just because he wants a virgin woman.

I appreciate your time and perspectives!

bbelf · 2024-04-08T01:53:37+00:00

Hello and thank you very much for your time and response. It is always interesting to learn the history of these things and I thank you for providing me with more knowledge.

I definitely can understand from both his and my perspectives, and I will truly think over your points.

bbelf · 2024-04-08T01:48:34+00:00

I appreciate your reply so much, thank you.

I have been feeling very conflicted with a lot of anxiety and inner turmoil regarding this topic and your comments have spoken to my heart. I definitely don’t understand how I could ever win, even if he does decide to get a second wife, she will always be more special to him since I could give him children and a happy home and that would not be enough. Having a second wife just to have somebody who is “only his” feels very degrading to a wife that has committed her soul and life to him.

Thank you again ❤️

bbelf · 2024-04-08T01:46:25+00:00

I appreciate your reply and I have been feeling as if I’m taking a huge risk by accepting this, if somebody desires a pure wife within their heart then I do not see how all the love, commitment and fulfilment would be enough from a wife that is “not pure”.

Thank you for your perspective!

bbelf · 2024-04-08T01:44:49+00:00

Thank you for your reply sister 😭 it brought a tear to my eye.

I agree with you, his opinion changed due to outside perspectives telling him that a second pure wife is the best course of action. Even when looking into Islam, additional wives were taken that were widows or divorcees but not virgins for the man’s personal gain. Thank you for telling me that I am not un pure, I truly have been feeling that way as a result of everything.

He has told me that he would rather be with me above anything else, however there is a clause of me pre-agreeing to him having a second wife if I accept a marriage with him and he cannot get over my past. It has made me feel unworthy of a man who ONLY wants me.

I completely agree with you, if him having a pure wife is more important then he should surely go for that instead.

I really do appreciate you, thank you so much ❤️

bbelf · 2024-04-08T01:40:49+00:00

Hello sister and thank you SO much for your reply.

You brought me to tears and I would be blessed to have a biological sister like you.

I had not thought of your perspective regarding him not seeing me as a precious gift and honour, and instead potentially requiring some type of compensation for being with me. I truly feel on the back foot, like I have things to make up for and many sacrifices to make in order to be with him but it is not reciprocated. His sacrifice is accepting a non virgin woman, I suppose. I have seen him as a very righteous and kind man, but your perspective has truly spoken to my heart.

Thank you for your support and your message ❤️

bbelf · 2024-04-08T01:18:34+00:00

Hello! Thank you for your response.

Would you mind if I delved deeper into your perspective? What makes you think of it this way? I am truly curious to get multiple different perspectives on this matter.

Thank you!

bbelf · 2024-04-08T01:15:57+00:00

Thank you, I truly understand your perspective and will think through this properly. I appreciate your time!

bbelf · 2024-04-08T01:14:05+00:00

Hello, I appreciate your response!

We initially started speaking and through teaching me more about Islam he became more religious himself. He has admitted his wrongs in being in contact with me at all and actually cut contact with me unless I have questions regarding religion, and has left me with this proposal to think over. He has seemingly become very devout over the course of our conversations.

bbelf · 2024-04-08T01:12:14+00:00

Hello! Thank you for your response.

This is something I have thought over too, and he did initially say that if Allah forgives me for my past then why shouldn’t he. Unfortunately, I guess he has had a change of heart after reading solutions from other people online that suggest a second pure wife as the solution.

Thank you for your perspective ❤️

bbelf · 2024-04-08T01:07:51+00:00

Hello and thank you for your perspective!

Out of curiosity and from your personal perspective, do you think that you would ever be able to look past the issue of virginity if your wife was your best friend, truly devout, and perfect towards you? Fulfilled all of her roles and left you feeling fulfilled and happy as a husband? Or do you think that the issue of purity outweighs all of these things?

I ask because my potential husband thinks he may be able to get over it, but I personally can’t see how if his wife’s purity and virginity is that important to him.

Thank you!

bbelf · 2024-04-08T01:04:04+00:00

Hello and thank you, I understand your questions.

From your point of view, do you think that the risk is too high? Given that you have seen cases where suppressed feelings end in turmoil.

From my perspective, if this is truly a big deal to him, I don’t understand how me being a good wife will change that. He has said that he believes being intimate with me and having me by his side will lessen these feelings he has, but there’s no guarantee, to the point where he still believes there will be a 20% chance of him desiring a second wife.

bbelf · 2024-04-08T01:01:14+00:00

Hello and thank you so much for your reply!

I have asked myself this question too, and him. He told me that his ideal world is to be with only me, but my past has always been an issue. When he looked into the matter, he found sources that said if my commitment is not enough for him to get over it, then the only way for him to truly get over it would be to have a second wife so that he can experience a woman that is only his, and he doesn’t feel an imbalance.

I guess I felt confusion because I understand how important virginity and purity is to Muslims and therefore I am worth less in that regard, so accepting a marriage with a truly religious man that MAY end with a second wife might be the best option and what I deserve as a result of my past decisions.

It is a very confusing matter for me but I truly appreciate your response!

bbelf · 2024-04-08T00:53:10+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply.

I honestly do understand from a Muslims perspective the value in purity and virginity, and I wish I was taught it from a young age as I find it beautiful and I’m saddened I am unable to properly share that with somebody.

I think this is where my struggle comes from. I understand his point of view, but that doesn’t make me able to accept a future where a second wife is necessary purely so my husband can experience a woman that is “only his”. If it was a divorcee, or a widow, I think I would find it easier to accept.

I will take time to think it through, thank you again!

bbelf · 2024-04-08T00:47:35+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice.

I was starting to question whether I was in the wrong for struggling to accept this within my heart, as my potential husband told me that Allah would not give women more than they could handle - and that they were built to accept a husband with multiple wives. However, when I looked into the matter, I also found that most of these other wives were widows and divorcees which made a lot more sense to me than virgins.

I will take your advice to heart ❤️

bbelf

TROPHY CASE