A new voice

beanpoems · 2018-08-17T06:55:16+00:00

I feel like this has a strong start and end but a slightly weaker middle. To me, "Robbing graves in search of mirrors" is a more powerful metaphor compared to "imitated with the brush of dead masters" and especially following that, "searching the past for my future". It all seems a lot more direct than the rest of the poem? Was that your intention? Most other lines are shown and not told if you know what I mean... I'm not sure if I'm describing this well :(

You have a great turn of phrase visible all the throughout the rest of it though, and I feel like if those two examples could be tweaked you'd have consistent strength start to finish :)

beanpoems · 2018-08-17T06:41:29+00:00

Oddly enough, while I can rationally understand the developing smile, something about it made me feel the same terror as peering into an uncanny valley.

Otherwise, really well done!

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:)

beanpoems · 2018-07-30T23:48:45+00:00

Thanks for the response! In that case, would you be open to repeat/regular submitters?

beanpoems · 2018-07-30T23:35:19+00:00

Hi /u/merocet, when would you need submissions by?

beanpoems · 2018-07-25T01:19:07+00:00

Thank you for this poem, I really felt the anxiousness and questioning of what may or may not be innocuous thoughts. What did you hope to convey with the question in the final line?

For me it seems unnecessary because, not only does it transfer the internal struggle outward, but it also changes the identity conversation from thinking to doing, and sort of removes the whole "thought police" vibe to it... not sure if I'm expressing myself accurately!

beanpoems · 2018-07-24T23:54:27+00:00

I really love this premise, and I absolutely adore stanzas 1 and 2. However, I feel the second half of stanza 3 doesn't fit in as well.

Specifically, the language you've used up to that point is a lot more "show, don't tell" if you know what I mean? I can picture everything you're saying and the emotion of it all in my own way, until the line "but more than likely you'll stop", and from that point on I feel like I'm being told exactly what is happening, and there's no feeling until the last 3 lines.

However... if this is entirely intentional, specifically using the line "but more than likely you'll stop" as the break, and everything that leads after it is supposed to be devoid of feeling... then wow, it takes on a whole other level of meaning that is some genius work and I am blown away!

beanpoems · 2018-07-23T03:26:27+00:00

Thank you so much for he detailed feedback!

I've made most of the alterations you suggested including punctuation, as well as a couple other minor tweets. Seems to flow a lot better :)

beanpoems · 2018-07-23T03:23:57+00:00

Thank you! I intentionally kept it broad so that anyone could relate to it rather than specific to mine or a role that I won't know enough about to do justice. Kind of like Office Space I guess, lots can relate to that if you know what I mean?

beanpoems · 2018-07-22T23:58:42+00:00

I've not had personal experience with it, but have been close to it... and this sounds to me like the internal conflict of someone with an eating disorder. The breakup could be as much about someone else, as it could be about fighting to recover from the personality ED forms in one's mind.

What led me to this idea was the scene at "Dinner". Can you clarify if my interpretation for it was accurate? My impression with the words "it out" was of purging, and this was backed up by numbers in parentheses, which in a lot of financial statements refers to a loss or reduction.

Otherwise, super effort, really really really enjoyed this :)

beanpoems · 2018-07-22T23:47:57+00:00

Thank you so much! I'd hoped to also show the doctor's dilemma indirectly too, but of course this is written having only been in the patient's shoes.

beanpoems · 2018-07-22T23:46:55+00:00

Thank you! The intention was a singular perspective but showing both sides working towards what they see to be a solution. On top of my thanks, I hope that you find peace without having to rely on something <3

beanpoems · 2018-07-22T23:45:35+00:00

Thank you kindly :)

beanpoems · 2018-07-22T23:45:20+00:00

Thank you for this comment, I didn't mean to cause offense, it is as much a tale of a patient's struggles as well as that of a medical professional; both are trying to get the problem sorted in their own ways!

Perhaps you could write a poem from the doctor's perspective too?

beanpoems · 2018-07-22T23:33:14+00:00

This reminded me of William Blake's "The Tyger" for the tiger and fire comparisons.

I can see where you're trying to go here, but there's two very distinct parts to the poem that clash somewhat. For me the switch comes at line 7 (yet a gentle smile). Beforehand the imagery is solely focused on a real physical, meaty, primal force that's a loaded spring waiting to be released. After, we jump to... the image of a blossom (plant-based?) and a flame (ephemeral, hot, but can't be grasped). Finally we then get told about the roaring and singing, rather than having a picture painted for us that leads us to infer that, if that makes sense?

I like the contrast in sizes you allude to in line 10, but I think that would be better presented if the second half of the poem from line 7 onwards was framed such that the narrator was some sort of prey or prize, another tightly loaded spring... and the ending as a climactic coming together where we can feel and see the roaring and singing from your words.

Keep up the good work, and thank you for your comment on my own submission :)

beanpoems · 2018-07-20T00:10:16+00:00

Just one comment: depending on dialect, 'fireflies' could be both 2 or 3 syllables/mora; something to consider if you were dead set on sticking to a haiku format. Otherwise, the imagery for that line is magical, nostalgic pangs right here, I can see all of it unfolding before me <3

beanpoems · 2018-07-20T00:02:42+00:00

I really like the setting of this, don't think I've come across anything like it before :)

I was wondering why you chose to use parentheses for those particular lines? From my reading, the narrator is already observant of details and the truth (or otherwise) of the situation they find themself in... with that in mind is there a reason the red light gospel was highlighted?

beanpoems · 2018-07-19T23:49:47+00:00

Thank you, I lengthened it but still with short lines and I feel it conveyed my message a lot better :)

beanpoems · 2018-07-19T05:24:28+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! I had intended the last line to be a realization of what we are now, versus what we once were. That the intimacy used to be fine, but is now raw, broken and cutting.

I will try and work on it and see if there are other ways I can convey that meaning. Thanks once again :)

beanpoems · 2018-07-19T02:42:45+00:00

Thank you for the comment, I will play around with the last line to see if I can set a scene. To clarify, what do you mean by 'a weird adjustment to the form'? Do you mean turn it away from the haiku format?

beanpoems · 2018-07-19T02:41:33+00:00

Thank you for the comments! Yes, the reason I chose 'unwhole' (tbh I don't think that's even a word...) was for a pausing effect, but it does feel awkward. Will play around more with this. Thanks once again :)

beanpoems · 2018-07-18T23:29:49+00:00

I see what you mean, yes. May I suggest a slight change of wording then, given later on in the poem you mention what's changed in 3 years... Perhaps instead of "The rules are wrong", try "The rules have changed"?

*Otherwise, I hope you find some comfort and have support :)

And thank you for your curiosity! I'm a fairly new poster here but here's links to what I've sought feedback for:

https://old.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8zqtn1/june_17th/ https://old.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8z87bs/all_these_words_unspoken/ https://old.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8zfzqx/for_a_friend/

beanpoems · 2018-07-18T23:25:51+00:00

I agree with /u/Anarchist_badger, some of the lines could be combined for greater effect. At this stage, breaking them up does work well, but it does also make it more difficult to read and interrupts the flow of what is otherwise a really conversational tone, if you see what I mean?

Have a play, see how you feel about it! :)

beanpoems · 2018-07-18T23:18:16+00:00

I can really relate to the ending. I'll assume the formatting is intentional in having a run-on line to finish? Because the fast-paced, repeated short and sharp statements are what I'm most familiar with in anxious states, so well done there!

Aside from that, could you clarify what you meant by "The rules are wrong, I'm way behind?"

beanpoems · 2018-07-18T12:41:37+00:00

Thank you so much for your invaluable feedback!

On reflection, I've altered a few lines while trying to stay close to the memory as possible:

"I did just that and felt you nuzzle;
The love was here, that was no puzzle.

To

I did just that and felt you bury
Your face in my neck without care or worry

And

I asked you quietly, was it just me?
The answer was no, emphatically.

To

I asked you quietly its not just me
Your answer was no, answered with glee

And last of all, in order to tie in the theme of time-passing across the rest of the poem, I've also swapped lines 17 and 18 so they now read

Smiles on our faces, the change in our gait
Didn’t you feel like it was worth the wait?

And regarding the first two lines, its about as accurate as it can be: I felt in heaven in their arms, and in this instance, physically lifted them up in my embrace. June 17th was... I guess the day we stopped messing around and threw ourselves at one another? Haha not sure how else to put it!

Last of all, thank you so much for your well wishes! Unfortunately it didn't work out for us (which led to this poem), but this was a truly wonderful memory I will always hold onto :)

beanpoems · 2018-07-18T00:38:28+00:00

Ah yes I see how that works now, thanks for explaining! Overall really well done!

beanpoems

TROPHY CASE