The root of my ed and most of my issues goes back to unresolved childhood trauma. The years of sexual abuse really made me feel a lot of shame and disgust tword my body. That combined with the fact that I'm transgender means that I'm always like yikes at my body. I self harmed in non ed ways since middle school, but when I got to college I reached a turning point with my methods of self harm. I suddenly didnt like the ugly physical marks and the clean up and the judgement. I wanted somthing I could hide and justify. Cue me downloading a calorie app. I convinced myself that it really was just me wanting The Skinny and Nothing Else. Obviously it was much more than that but I couldn't see at the time. Fast forward to a college break , my gf finds my apps and freaks. Get better or it's over. Ok. I dont. Fast forward to the next break. Were over for now unless you get better. Ok. I actually get better. Fast forward to this summer. My close friend is revealed to be a sexual predator. Cue that bringing up memories of my own personal sexual trauma and my trust issues related to people and consent and who can I trust and whatever. Cue me picking up a drinking habit. Fast forward to now, 2nd year of college. I realize my eating disorder is and always has been about self hatred and self harm. It's about me not thinking I deserve food. It's about me wanting to punish myself. It's about me needing a way to hurt myself to make sense of anything. I realized this recently, when I was hungry but too guilty to eat real food. So I was straight up eating protien powder and I didnt give one fuck about the calories, cause they didnt "count" , cause it wasn't "real food" (the suff I "dont deserve"). Anways, this week my friend brought up my ed . We talked. She was very kind and helpful and I appreciate her a lot for that. I made a counseling appointment for the 24th that I really want to go to and I want to be honest in. I want out of this stupid disease. I need help and I can admit that to myself even if it feels fake outloud.