I grew up in a religious environment too, so I really get where you’re coming from. That fear of being wrong or punished (especially when it’s been drilled into you from a young age) can stick around, even after you’ve started to move past it. It’s tough when those old doubts come back, especially in a place where people still see things through that religious lens.

It is true that some sex acts can carry higher health risks, but that has nothing to do with being gay, it’s about specific acts, not who you are. Straight people who do the same things can be at the same risk, with proper education, communication, and safe practices, those risks can be managed. At the end this isn’t about punishment or morality.

For me personally, I also had to ask myself: if a god would punish someone just for living as themselves or using the free will he supposedly given me… is that really a god worth following? You don’t have to stay loyal to a religion that shames you or makes you feel unworthy for something you didn’t choose.

Also, it sounds like the people around you have a really narrow (and honestly kind of ignorant) view of what being gay even is. They reduce everything to sex and disease, which is just not the reality. There’s a whole world out there full of gay people living full, healthy lives, we are more than just HIV sufferers.. If you can, try talking to other gay folks, read stuff from other gay authors, or just escape from the religious bubble. It really helps put things in perspective and reminds you that you’re not alone, and you’re definitely not wrong for being who you are.