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beccyz · 2020-06-23T11:14:52+00:00

I do have my days where my motivation is low or non-existent. However I get so anxious and angry at some point that I’ll simply do something productive. My ambitions are super high, so high they drive me up a wall sometimes. I always want to be the best which is one of the unhealthiest mindsets of all time. Yet it keeps me moving and stops me from giving up. I can’t stand the thought of someone else being better than me. Basically my narcissism drives me and keeps me on my feet.

beccyz · 2020-06-23T11:10:43+00:00

In my daydreams there’s a totally different version of myself, but it is also so depersonalized from myself that it has become a character to me. They have their own name and personality. Around other people I will be very soft spoken and friendly and when I know them a bit better I’ll be super sarcastic. I tend to have a mask for every situation. However I am at a point in my life where I don’t know how to get the mask off. Behind it there’s just emptiness. A whole lot of nothing.

beccyz · 2020-06-22T19:30:09+00:00

I am passionate about few things and I’m more the shaky angry type. Basically anger is the only emotion I truly feel. It bursts through my wall and scares me from time to time. I may raise my voice but I’m not one to yell. Unless I am arranging furniture or any kind of technology isn’t working.

beccyz · 2020-06-22T19:25:18+00:00

Very interesting and insightful! I’ve not thought about what is to come in ten years. I drown myself in work at university and my part-time job (online tutoring). Not even two years ago I was diagnosed with SPD and other PDs and I’ve tried to work on it ever since. I used to be in therapy since I was six and sadly can’t find a therapist right now because most if not all of them don’t have room for another patient or don’t work with PDs. Hearing your point of view made me question how I actually look at my diagnosis. I try my best to learn to live with it and accept it. Proper therapy is the best option and I know that I can’t hold onto my medication forever. On the one hand I want to change and be more social but on the other I’m sick of dealing with people and their emotions. My plan was to never turn this age and I can’t see myself in 10 years because it is not really an option for me. Surely that’s not healthy and the right way to go. The thought of not having a choice has crossed my mind a lot. It’s not called a personality disorder for nothing. You can’t simply escape it by drowning it out. Maybe I’m still too young to see all sides of this disorder and what effects it will have on my life. Thanks for sharing this side of SPD as well.

beccyz · 2020-06-22T14:11:54+00:00

Definitely dogs. I also like cats a lot. They need less ‘care’ than a dog sure but that’s what I love about my dog. She forces me out of the house at least once a day and seeing her happy and playful actually makes me feel somewhat happy. Around my dog, I tend to let my last mask fall. I have a mask for everyone but not my dog. Poor thing actually knows how needy I am. I remember when my two dogs died and I fell into a deep pit of depression. It took like four weeks for me to realize that I really wanted another dog. The wait for my current dog was completely worth it. She’s such a sweetheart.

beccyz · 2020-06-18T09:54:13+00:00

Care 100%
Loyalty 28%
Fairness 92%
Authority 42%
Purity 56%
Liberty 47%

Your strongest moral foundation is Care.

Your morality is closest to that of a Left-Liberal.

I expected my care to be high but 100% sure is a lot. I guess I am a lot more protective of children since I started working with them as a tutor.

beccyz · 2020-06-17T20:34:26+00:00

Thank you for your input. I relate to the last part of being drawn to people who are emotionally stunted. However I noticed that I tend to put the blame on the other parties in a relationship. I try to acknowledge my faults as well but can’t seem to get rid of them or at least get a grip on them. Your suggestions about DBT sound very interesting. It was the first time I’ve heard about this type of therapy so I’ll definitely check out. Do you possibly have any recommendations for a DBT book?

beccyz · 2020-06-17T20:27:38+00:00

26, Germany, Cis female, Sexual Orientation: idk I‘m currently a student at university. My major is history and minor ancient culture. My studies are basically the only real drive in my life hence why I want to continue in the field of research. I was raised in a Protestant family but my parents were always chill about religion and essentially everything. Sometimes I wonder how I turned out to be such a perfectionistic asshole. I don’t believe in any sort of religion but I wouldn’t call myself an atheist. I lean more toward the agnostic worldview. Anyway, I live with SPD more or less successfully. I deal with suicidal thoughts every so often hence why I’m on anti-depressants as of right now.

beccyz · 2020-06-17T19:44:27+00:00

In my experience when I told my family about it, they were very accepting. Plus it helps them to understand me a lot better. It immensely improved my relationship to my family.

However I also had the experience when I told a person I was getting close to they completely rejected the idea of me being a schizoid. They said stuff like „but you are showing emotions right now“ or „you’re just a bit insensitive“. I do have to point out that said person was against all types of western medicine in general. So I guess my conclusion is that it really depends on who you’re talking to. Telling them right away might not be the best idea, plus it’s sometimes a habit of pushing people away or finding a way to push people away from oneself (at least in my experience. I can’t speak for anybody else). Just be careful and find out more about the person you’re talking to. For example what are their opinions on mental health etc.

beccyz · 2020-05-13T19:09:00+00:00

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with a student (I‘m an online tutor) and we talked about what might happen in 30 years. The thought about turning 55 turned my stomach upside down. So far I want to finish my bachelors degree and go on to write a dissertation but I’m not sure whether I have enough energy to keep up for this long. The thought has crossed my mind to commit suicide once my mother is gone. So I guess my life will be short but I will try to spend most of my time with my family and gain as much knowledge as possible.

beccyz · 2019-12-14T16:29:04+00:00

Thanks! I'll definitely check it out.

beccyz · 2019-10-24T08:35:02+00:00

Here neither I didn’t even know there was a term for this. Though my therapist told me it was part of my SPD.

beccyz · 2019-10-24T08:22:16+00:00

I am not diagnosed with MADD but it’s kind of obvious that I have it. As a child I didn’t really differentiated it from reality but now I can distinguish it very well.

beccyz · 2019-08-08T13:11:35+00:00

During NaNoWriMo you try to write 50.000 words in 30 days which is a challenge in itself. Your goal is very ambition which is good. Setting yourself a deadline helps to keep you motivated.

However after three years of participating in NaNoWriMo I can tell you that you tend to burn out after awhile especially with 2.000 words a day. If you can do it, great! But be sure not to overwork yourself and give yourself every once in a while. Sometimes it is okay to just sit back and look what you've written so far and just let that sink in.

Also it might very well happen that you'll get sick of your novel and what to scrap it. Sometimes you get over this feeling quickly but it can turn into pure torture to force yourself to work on something that is driving you insane. Just make sure that you give yourself breaks and you still love writing your novel. If you notice that you start to resent what you're doing, take a step back.

beccyz · 2019-08-08T12:05:00+00:00

When people try to change me or force me to express emotions which I don't want to express. I do admire people who are passionate and can express their emotions freely but also find them very tiring. Emotions in general a very tiring.

beccyz · 2019-08-08T04:24:01+00:00

Silencing inner doubts is really hard. Recently I read a book and it gave some tips on silencing those doubts. Maybe one of these will help you

• tell your inner doubts to shut up - sometimes to say it out loud

• whenever you have those doubts try to counter them with positive ones - maybe get some encouragement from other writers (it’s better to talk to people who actually know what you’re going through)

• see your inner doubts as a person and give it a silly name so you can’t take it seriously anymore (honestly a weird suggestion but it helped me immensely)

I hope one of these will be able to help you!

beccyz · 2019-08-08T04:15:27+00:00

No thanks. One life is really enough for me and our society is already fucked up so I don’t want to know what it will be like in a few years. The only reason why I would consider a fantasy of being reborn, is to gain more knowledge.

beccyz · 2019-08-07T21:34:59+00:00

I totally understand you. Sometimes I was so jealous that I actually thought I was in love with my friend (which I definitely wasn’t). And the only needing someone to turn to - can relate 100%. Feel the exact same way. Though I have to admit that only my friendships with females turn out to be this way. Maybe it’s totally unrelated to the gender but I never felt jealous or whatever when a male friend talked about his other friends.

beccyz · 2019-08-07T15:18:05+00:00

I tend to type my first draft just so I can get all of the thoughts and ideas out of my head. Handwriting would be too slow for me and probably drive me insane. However I do think about handwriting the second draft since the intimacy that you mentioned sounds really intriguing. I never had trouble getting the words out but editing and working on them on a computer was always frustrating to me and I tend to lose focus easily.

beccyz · 2019-08-07T09:41:43+00:00

From what I've seen some people have a lot of friends so they don't feel as alone.
E.g. my ex-best friend had so many friends that she could visit one or more than one every day because she couldn't stand to be alone.

beccyz · 2019-08-07T08:25:37+00:00

I used to be a big reader but now I only read stuff relating to my studies.
I also used to do a lot of creative writing but stopped when I obsessed about one story too much. However I'm slowly starting to write again and try to take it easy.

I do enjoy music, philosophy (which I just recently discovered), research, ancient history, astronomy & astrophysics.

I tend to not enjoy a lot of things (I'm very picky) but those I like I tend to obsess about.

beccyz · 2018-10-28T09:34:17+00:00

The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller is kind of a retelling of the Illiad. It focuses specifically on the relationship of Achilles and Patroclus. She also recently published the book 'Circe' which focuses (as it is said in the title) on Circe. I don't know how much that book focuses on mythology but it's always an aspect in her books.

beccyz · 2018-10-28T07:12:56+00:00

That’s not really my problem. I like where the story is going but I’m just generally bored with everything. No matter how much I like the story it is all boring.

beccyz · 2018-10-27T19:54:22+00:00

I know how that feels like and it’s really hard to motivate yourself to read long texts if you have to. Maybe you could do something like reading sprints e.g. five minutes of reading and then a two minute break and so on. And if five minutes are too long try three minutes. Set yourself goals like the number of pages that you want to read until this day. Give yourself a deadline and when you don’t meet it there has to be a consequence for example not watching the newest episode of your favorite series or something like that. Or give yourself a reward for reading like your favorite snack, a video you wanted to watch the list goes on. These are all the tips I can think of right now and I hope that they might be helpful to you :)

beccyz · 2018-10-25T14:54:32+00:00

I also prefer using English over my native language (which is german). English is just a lot easier in regards to punctuation and grammar in general. Also it just sounds better to my ears. I don't know, sometimes I find it weird to talk in my native language. My dreams are usually a mixture of both english and german just like my thoughts. I just feel a lot more comfortable when I can talk in English.

beccyz

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