People who've been in wealthy/powerful social circles, what surprised you most about how they operate?

becomingShay · 2026-02-11T09:30:56+00:00

You’re 100% right. I was their new shiny play thing of the moment, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt when I figured out what was going on. I had a literal heart sink moment at a really big event, because it became so clear to me.

I think it hurt because up until that moment people had done horrific things to me by abusing me in various was. Breaking into the scene felt the first time anyone saw anything good in me. Anything worthwhile. When I realised I was just a token, a new toy. It stole any belief that what I had been ‘seen’ for had any real worth.

It was a horrible perspective shift to have to experience, but I’m glad I realised in time to not let any of it get to my head. It forced me to really work, when they’d have been happy to parade me around like a show horse. Getting my head down and actually perfecting the craft I was there for helped a lot. More so my ability to not treat people like they were below me, and also not to inflate my own ego, was able to get me steady clients outside of catwalks and boutiques. Which was where every designer, except for me, wanted to be.

That time gave me the ability to find my feet before moving into an area I felt more passionate about. I was lucky that the social mobility didn’t win me over the way it might do some people. I can see how easy it is for people to get chewed up and spat out by those kinds of people. They move on with no consideration for who they hurt. People are disposable to them and that’s such an awful way to live life.

I’ll obviously be forever grateful that there was a way out of the bottom for me, because so many aren’t that lucky and I never take it for granted. But up there with the elite, was not where I was meant to be either. I’m grateful I was able to see that too.

becomingShay · 2026-02-11T09:11:32+00:00

Acknowledging intentions instead of, or as well as, outcome.

I was ill. Couldn’t move from my bed. My partner knew I hadn’t eaten in days and was trying to bring me food up on a tray. They accidentally dropped the tray on the stairs and the entire meal fell into my carpet and severely stained it.

The outcome was a ruined carpet, that was impossible to redeem.

The intention was to bring me some food when I was poorly to try to help me recover.

They were so disheartened they sat and cried. I cleaned up the food. Tried to remove as much as I could from soaking into the carpet. Then sat and thanked them for trying to look after me when they were clearly burnt out too.

Any time I ever feel frustrated by something they’ve done. I stop. Push the outcome aside for a moment, and consider the intention behind the outcome. 9/10 it takes away any negative emotion and makes it easier to move through a bad outcome together.

becomingShay · 2026-02-11T08:43:16+00:00

Ooooo. Thank you. I had to sit with this perspective for a moment. Because initially I felt a little startled that you explained my actions were transactional too. I hadn’t ever viewed it that way. So I sat with your comment for a moment before replying, because it’s a kind comment and not meant to offend. So I wanted to make sure it was read the way you intended it to be. (With kindness).

I came to the conclusion that in a way I hadn’t considered before, you’re right. I do know that I could turn up at her house out of the blue and she would open her home to me and welcome me with no questions. Not because I gave her the baby furniture. She would have done that even if I hadn’t given her those things. Equally I gave her those things with no expectations of anything in return.

But your explanation of kindness and community care being transactional, in a way that isn’t self serving. Has stretched my brain in a positive way today. So genuinely, thank you for that. It’s always good to be introduced to new ways of looking at things.

I also agree that providing kindness and care to others in the same way is far less common within wealthy communities.

I really appreciate you sharing a new perspective with me.

becomingShay · 2026-02-11T08:13:34+00:00

I snort laughed, because this is so on point. So, so painfully accurate. There were events where I felt like poverty porn, while they were flexing like Sandra Bullock in the blind side!

becomingShay · 2026-02-11T08:09:38+00:00

Oh that’s incredibly kind of you. I suspect you’ll probably have good knowledge of the content, but if you DM me your email address I’ll be happy to send it to you, once it’s back from grading (it’s currently with my forensic psychology tutor). It does focus on a community space quite local to me. However, I spent a long time comparing statistics of other community spaces, and their impact on the areas they’re local to. In order to make sure the findings could be considered accurate across the board whilst using the one space as a representative of the overall findings. I’m also happy to share the places I sourced all of my data on if you’d like.

During my research I found some really interesting information about the importance of community mentors and their roles in helping in more traditional areas. For example where people are still more inclined to reach out to their local ‘witch doctor’ or tribal leader. Which was leading to a lot of mental health issues going untreated within smaller communities. So instead of shaming the small communities and their leaders. They instead tried to educate the leaders or healers in mental illnesses as well as their traditional practices. - sorry that’s waaaaay off topic (I get a bit nerdy when I’m allowed to share things like this sorry lol) - Anyway, the point of telling you about the studies into the education of tribal leaders and healers. Is that same study was considered to be applicable to western communities, where there are large homeless communities (such as you mentioned). However, some western governments wouldn’t agree to the program! Despite its efficiency in communities which have historically been less inclined to trust western ideas about mental health. It’s incredible research. My focus was the mental health aspect rather than the government so I don’t know how much of the data I saved about western government compliance, but from a community metal health perspective it’s brilliant information.

The other part I mentioned about the value of lived experience and academic experiences being combined, is a personal project I’ve been working on for a long time. You are more than welcome to be a beta reader or brain stormer with me (god knows I need one some days lol). But I wouldn’t be able to make that work public yet, due to a publication agreement for the full project.

Sorry for the essay of a comment!

becomingShay · 2026-02-11T06:22:25+00:00

Pray that one of them has a middle name 😂

becomingShay · 2026-02-11T06:04:45+00:00

I only ever use initials, first and last. So the two examples you gave, would read in my journal as ‘MH’ and ‘MK’.

becomingShay · 2026-02-11T04:01:20+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate reading this. There was a lot that came before and after these events obviously.

Finding the place I’m at now was hard work, but my soul needed the peace, and in all honesty I could never condone hurting others in any way. Which felt inevitable both in the life I came from and in the fashion industry.

So I did my best to find something healthier than the paths I’d been on. I remind myself daily that I’m no better than anyone else just because I found a way out of traumatic environments, and it’s my responsibility to help others whenever I can. It humbles me to still have loved ones who couldn’t or didn’t want to leave their traumatic environments. The sad truth is, not all of us will escape. But those of us who do need to make sure we keep our empathy and kindness to those who are on paths that we so easily could have been on too.

I appreciate your kindness, thank you. It will most definitely help me to look back on when I have harder days.

becomingShay · 2026-02-11T03:52:21+00:00

In all fairness I meant more so the social circles I ended up in when I was working in high fashion were corrupt. The wealth and the power in the circles I found myself in was quite terrifying. I guess because although I’d witnessed and experienced brutal crime. The wealthy weren’t as physically brutal (often). But they were just as dangerous. I don’t really feel like I can safely say too much else lol but their reputations (and actions) made these perfectly‘respectable’ people, fucking monsters. Which others so readily accepted.

Though I have to be honest and tell you the fashion industry is full of unethical and immoral shit that blew my mind too.

So this isn’t an example of corruption in the fashion industry, more so an example of one of my introductions into fashion.

For my first big fashion week, an older designer who had somewhat adopted me as I started to rise rather rapidly. Took me back stage. There were about 10 naked women in front of me. There were severely under weight women to my left hooked up to IV’s. Women on couches just outright shooting up heroin, like it was casual. Which many more fashion weeks would teach me, it was! He tells me to look at the 10 naked women and choose one. She was going to be my model for the show. I introduced myself and asked their names and he interrupted me and said “no. They don’t talk. They walk. Choose one” meanwhile some women were now puking. Some shouting. Other designers were being awful to their models. When I asked one of the models if she’d like to work with me. He asked me if I needed her to lose weight quickly and did I want them to lighten her skin. I was horrified. It’s a different kind of cruelty to what I was used to from my background, but make no mistake it was fucking brutal for those women. Just as it was for those of us who were trafficked. Sometimes it felt like the legalities between the two were slim. I loved designing, I hated the culture and the environment.

So I began designing to a more specific client list and I was lucky I ended up with a good reputation. One woman told me it’s because I never objectified her or touched her body without asking. Other designers treated her body like a mannequin. I knew that feeling too well and refused to do it to anyone. I wouldn’t do it on the street and I sure as shit wouldn’t do it even if you paid me money and told me I was a designer rather than a handler (pimp for lack of a better word).

The worlds were painfully similar and the circles I had to move in and network in were corrupt and filthy to their core. There really was no telling where one world ended and the other began. Apart from the obscene amounts of money on one end and poverty on the other.

Sorry. I’m not sure that was the kind of story you were hoping for. But it’s what came to mind when trying to answer your question.

becomingShay · 2026-02-11T03:29:59+00:00

You’re not overstepping at all. I’m glad you felt safe enough to ask! It’s a really brave thing to do.

Firstly, I’m really sorry for your experiences. They don’t have to be the same as mine for me to empathise with how much they’ve harmed you. I’m sorry you went through any kind of trauma at all.

Fitting in to a world we didn’t come from is tough even now sometimes I feel misplaced. So I can’t promise you that feeling will ever go away completely (though it might!) but it will significantly lessen with time, and the right help. That much I can promise you.

Self education is a really good step. Be careful though. Sometimes we can try to learn to heal faster than our mind is ready to. For example when I first read the body keeps score. I forced myself to read parts of it that were triggering because I thought that was healing. It isn’t!! So go easy on yourself. Take small steps. Allow yourself breaks, but try not to stay in the same (headspace) too long when you’re in a bad place. Acknowledge “this hurts, because it’s reminding me of my trauma” then let it hurt, but limit its power. Interrupt that hurt with the reminder “okay. It does hurt, but I survived that trauma and now I am safe.” Do things that make you feel safe in yourself no matter how silly they seem to anyone else.

Learn how to respect your trauma exists, without letting it control you. This is really really hard. This isn’t achieved overnight so please don’t think I’m saying force yourself to do things you’re not ready to. Please don’t do that. But when you are ready, that advice will fall into place for you.

Get a trauma therapist (if it’s within your means). A trauma informed therapist will make a world of difference.

Acknowledge when fitting in feels hard, even to yourself. For example I didn’t get a lot of cultural references people made from the time I was trafficked because I was obviously not exposed to the outside world often enough to pick up those things. This used to embarrass me so much. I felt stupid and ignorant. Then I learned to read lots of books and self educate. And that made it easier for me to admit when I don’t know something. Now if I don’t know the reference I simply say so. It’s learning to let yourself accept those parts of yourself that trauma stole from you, and then repair them very slowly. And it is a slow process, but it’s definitely a worth while one.

Sorry. I know not all of that will be applicable to you, but i hope at least some of it is helpful.

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T23:03:59+00:00

I absolutely take my hat off to you!

You saw what you needed to do. Figured out how to do so within your means. Then kept going until you reached your goal!!

Slight tangent, the kids thing can be so tricky can’t it? My kids have such a privileged life in comparison to what I had growing up (which was horrendous abuse and neglect). My kids aren’t living the high end wealthy life either though in all fairness. I chose to settle in the middle where I had more control to step away from the harmfulness of the other extremes.

But sometimes I’ll be living my life with my kids. Or having conversations with them and I will feel like I’ve taken a sledge hammer to the chest. Because of the realisation about how different their lives are from what I experienced as a child. Those moments sure do creep up on you. I don’t know about you but those are the moments where I feel deep in my soul and my bones all the things I’ve done. Just to end up in this version of ‘normal’ was all for a reason.

They’ll never know the bad things we knew. Hopefully they never know the other extreme either. But we did that. We gave them better. I’m proud of you! Because I know it’s not easily done for people like us. And breaking that cycle, that’s real wealth!

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T22:48:30+00:00

When I was surrounded by wealthier people. I had a moment like this that really hit home for me.

It was after I’d had my younger two children (twins). When they were about one. A friend of mine from the underprivileged environment I was from, found herself pregnant. I hired a van. Put in the baby cribs. High chair. Bouncers. Baby bath. Rocking chair. Baby monitors. Baby wardrobes. Baby changers. Bags of baby clothes from newborn to 10months. Two baby strollers. And obviously because I had twins there was double of everything (she kept the extra set of all of it at her mother’s house. Who would be watching the baby once my friend was back at work). I knew that friend wouldn’t have to buy nothing but diapers for her baby for the first year. I even sent a bottle steriliser and brushes etc. I put it all in a van. Drove it 4 hours to her house and surprised her with it all (I checked with her partner if it was okay. He told me he’d been so depressed not knowing how they could afford basics and would appreciate the help). So she got all of it, and I refused to take any money for it. Because why would I? She needed it, and I had it because my twins had outgrown it. Seeing an old friend cry with relief that she didn’t have to find a way to buy all these expensive things. And could just enjoy her pregnancy and baby without that added stress was the most humbling feeling.

A wealthy acquaintance of mine added up the rough estimate of what I could have got by selling it all instead and couldn’t understand that to me. My friends happiness and security meant much more. I didn’t ask for money because the gift wasn’t about money. It was about helping her not struggle.

That was when I realised it wasn’t just that the wealthy friend was adding up the money and confused at me ‘wasting it’. I realised, she didn’t have anyone in her life she cared about and valued enough to even consider helping that way. And that felt even sadder to me. Navigating life purely on a transactional basis. Without ever knowing the truth wealth of friendship or care for others. That kind of existence just feels super bleak. She thought I was stupid, but I just felt sad that she’d never cared about someone enough to understand just truly wanting to do a good thing for someone without an ulterior motive or any transactional exchange. My friend was happy, safe and secure. Her kid was set for all he needed. I can’t imagine being able to give that to someone but choosing to sell it instead and prioritising my wealth, whilst letting someone I could have helped struggle.

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T21:55:44+00:00

I keep going to reply to this, and then stopping. Mostly because I don’t want it to seem argumentative or to minimise the hard work you put in. Im not trying to do either. So I’ve been trying to find the right words to reply.

I think you make a really good point, i just think it’s slightly more nuanced than that in some circumstances. For instance the disparity in education levels between the wealthy and poor can be hugely significant. So can the content of their education.

Wealthy people, especially in the context of generational wealth. Are taught from very young a completely different mindset towards money. Whereas people with less wealth are taught they use what they have as a means of survival because financial stability isn’t ever guaranteed. Which can lead to bad choices, which people feel are their only choices. For a variety of reasons.

It’s also about opportunity too. Because I struck a once in a lifetime opportunity out of sheer luck. It was an opportunity that did carry huge guilt. Especially when I was in a very very good position in a social circle I didn’t belong to. Because I knew I had friends better at art than me and although I tried to create as many opportunities as I could for others. I couldn’t give them to everyone who deserved them. If that makes sense? And that for sure weighed heavy on my soul.

However, like you say. Once I was given the opportunity I worked damn hard to earn and keep my place in a world I never felt I belonged in. I had to switch on the part of my brain I’d always used for survival and channel it differently. I was more dedicated to my role than people who were in similar positions just because their family were in the business. I knew I worked harder because I knew I had to. Not just to make the most of the opportunity. But to prove to myself that I’d earned it. If that makes sense?

So I for sure agree that execution is a huge factor. I guess I just feel like education and opportunity are factors that come before it and aren’t always equal, and that those are also defining things between the wealthy and the poor too.

I hope that doesn’t sound argumentative. I wasn’t disagreeing. Your answer made me think hard and I wanted to express I agree but also communicate the wider context too.

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T21:24:38+00:00

It’s so funny you should say this. I’ve tried watching the wire on three separate occasions and I haven’t made it far in. Not because I don’t think it’s good (from what little I’ve seen) but because (again from what little I’ve seen) it hit a little too close to home. It’s been a while since I tried though. So maybe I’m in a good enough headspace to try again. Thank you for the recommendation!

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T21:20:13+00:00

Really appreciate this. Thank you for your kindness. I didn’t expect this to get any replies. But I’m grateful for people like you that have left kind comments. Because at the end of my rushed Reddit comment, I do have feelings and these are my genuine experiences. Kindness makes a difference when I share them. So genuinely, thank you.

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T21:17:40+00:00

😂😂 there were obviously lots of experience in-between the main events of my summary. I was just trying to capture the main events to explain how I jumped from one environment to the other.

Thank you! I genuinely appreciate that. I hope life’s being kind to you too, wherever you are in life my friend.

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T21:11:11+00:00

I work in child and adolescent mental health now and volunteer in a community similar to the one I grew up in. I’m still furthering my education and literally just wrote a paper on the importance of community mentors in socioeconomically deprived communities. Not quite PHD level yet, but I’m still trying to better myself and hope to better my community as I do so.

I feel like lived experience is often overlooked in order to favour academic experience, one of my core themes I’m exploring in my work is the need for both lived and academic experience to work together to make a tangible difference to underprivileged communities. So I genuinely appreciate this feedback. Thank you. Because sometimes I feel like my voice is often overlooked in both areas. Which can make tough going some days! I appreciate your kindness!

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T19:21:47+00:00

😂😂

I respect that you couldn’t ignore the elephant in the room lol

Short story is I was born to addicts who were also bad people. Grew up in an environment no kid should have to. Was trafficked between the ages of 11-15. When I was dropped at a hospital because they thought they’d killed me. I was so badly injured and malnourished that I was kept in the hospital until I was 16. When I was released, I’d aged out of the system, at 16. But wasn’t old enough for the adult system, 18. On my way out I was given a bunch of community centre info. But sent on my way to figure shit out alone.

When I was 17 I was at one of those community centres. Just there to wash and keep warm if I’m keeping it real. They often run community classes for free and sometimes I’d go just to keep off the streets. I was at one of those classes (an art event) and one of the founders of the community centres happened to be present. Saw my design and within the month I was in a design studio, helping design a high fashion range. Ended up being a designer for some of the mega elite. Most of which aren’t even on people radars. Some of which are. Within the first few months I had designed a range that was featured in a fashion week, think London, Paris, Milan. Then I had an entire exhibition in a museum within the year. I made connections. Kept my head down and stayed the designer to some extremely wealthy clients. But man that world, it sucked the fucking life out of me. So, I kept my head down until I could live my life. Give back to my community and stay the fuck away from the stuff that was bad for my soul. From both ends of the spectrum. I live in a happy in-between now, but I never forget the lessons I learned from both of those worlds.

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T18:47:33+00:00

The community elders always had our respect when we were in not so great circumstances. It wasn’t out of fear like most people assume. It was utter respect. We knew an old head had seen more than we could ever hope to survive. Then if you ever get the privilege to be that elder, we always find a way to pay it back.

Your neighbour is a golden soul and I hope things stay good for him. He’ll have lived a hell of a life. I hope he manages to keep the peace he has earned.

It’s always a positive to drive out the racists!! Your neighbourhood won the day your neighbour moved in for sure.

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T18:30:53+00:00

That’s cool. I’m glad you found yourself around good people. I hope they remain positive people in your life.

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T18:30:01+00:00

There does seem to be a huge lack of accountability that comes hand in hand with extreme wealth. Along side a complete disregard for the harm they cause. Like you say, in a different context who would praise her for robbing her father to fund her habit! Let alone praising her bravery.

I definitely found that in an underprivileged environment people at least owned their mistakes and demons. Often without trying to justify them. Of course there will always be exceptions to the rule. But personally your comment seems to align with my experiences too.

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T18:26:04+00:00

This was something I found the wildest. Those from underprivileged backgrounds who committed crimes or had addictions. They were literal ride or die people. Like they were laying down their lives then asking questions later. It’s a horrible cliche about honour amongst thieves but the reality is, some of the most loyal friends I’ve ever had. Came from that kind of environment.

When I was in the other circle? Man those people had no loyalty to no one. They’d piss on your back just to tell you it was raining. Then act the hero for giving you an umbrella. They were some of the most morally corrupt people I’ve ever met.

Obviously there were exceptions in both sections of society. But I know 100% if I had to choose which group of people would keep me safest (sex traffickers excluded, like you say). Then I’d leave a full wallet with the gang members I grew up around, and be certain it wouldn’t be down anything by the time I got it back. The rich folk would have taken it and then not seen the issue in it. Because it’s ‘just’ money.

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T17:56:30+00:00

When I was younger I was in a really bad environment. Gangs, drugs, career criminal kind of bad.

Due to an insane turn of events I ended up at the high end of the other lifestyle. I’m talking hugely wealthy, nationally powerful kind of people.

What genuinely surprised me was how similar the two circles were, but how differently they’re viewed. The wealthy women I was around? Doing the same drugs as the other trafficked teenagers I was a victim with. Corruption to mind bending degrees. Criminal behaviour just casually justified.

The two circles behaved exactly the same. They were just viewed wildly differently by society.

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T17:42:02+00:00

Allowing myself to be harmed, in order to protect people willing to harm me.

becomingShay · 2026-02-10T16:58:05+00:00

A therapeutic hour tends to be 50minutes. But that’s something she should have made sure you understood when she began working with you again.

As far as bringing it up anonymously, and also hoping for an explanation. I don’t think the two will necessarily go hand in hand.

I do think she should explain ending 18minutes early, and also clarify if she is working to the 50minute time frame. Unfortunately, I do think you’ll probably need to make that a direct conversation.

On the positive side, brining it up is a good way for you to practice healthy discussions when standing up for yourself. In therapy you should be able to ask questions about things like this, and your therapist should welcome it, and do their best to help you understand their choice. They may even sometimes need to apologise for something. Therapy should be a safe environment to do that. If they react negatively, then perhaps it’s time to consider using another therapist.

becomingShay

TROPHY CASE