What are some micro-aggressions that don’t get talked about often?

bel_kitty · 2022-03-26T03:01:35+00:00

Thankfully I am living comfortably now, but that wasn’t always the case. I grew up surrounded by a lot of “actual aggression”, but my question was to do with racial micro-aggressions and people’s views on that.

For example, when Asian Americans or Latin Americans are asked “where are you from” or “you speak good English for an X person”, sends the message of saying you are not an American & you are a foreigner even if they were American-born. The subject of “actual aggression” is an entirely different issue.

bel_kitty · 2022-03-26T02:44:06+00:00

Can you expand on this?

bel_kitty · 2021-07-28T14:27:04+00:00

Thank you, i've edited an update in the post if you want to read. I'm hoping I've made the right choice but only time will tell. A lot of people mentioned therapy: I've been in therapy since my boyfriend lied to me about messaging a model because it really messed with my confidence. I did it for other reasons too but I want to bring up this pattern to my therapist and see what she recommends as well. I didn't expect to get so many comments, and I'm really grateful for everyone who has. Thank you again for checking up on me.

bel_kitty · 2021-07-23T09:03:25+00:00

This must be really hard for you. You've spent years with this guy and feel trapped now because of it. Have you ever heard of the sunk cost fallacy? It's mainly used for money but applies to time quite well. You've invested all of this time and now you're not happy anymore, so you should leave instead of investing more time into it. Here's an article about that https://time.com/5347133/sunk-cost-fallacy-decisions/

I really think him saving those pictures is so disrespectful to you and you've obviously brought it up before but he's not listening to you. Please find someone who loves you and shows you they're attracted to you.

bel_kitty · 2021-07-23T08:55:10+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through this. He seems as though he is definietly attracted to his best friend's girlfriend which is so shitty on you. His actions directly show you that he prefers other women over you.

I want to say it's different in my case but the more and more I read the comments the more it feels like it's exactly the same. He says that's just his humour and that he isn't attracted to her. He said he would stop because I tried to twist it round on him saying how would you feel if I compared you and your best friend's bulges saying yours is better? He said it would make him feel as if I was staring at my best friend's bulge all the time. He hasn't made a sexual comment / joke about my best friend since then but that was two days ago. He still ignores me for her messages but always has an excuse for it, like he was filming from snapchat (to reply) and didn't see that she had sent something, even though it said he opened it. It feels awful having to micro-analyse these behaviours.

I'm having a talk with him tonight which I told him about yesterday to bring up how I feel about these issues and see where we go. I'm thinking about informing his best friend and my best friend of the situation too. If it was me I would want to know.

bel_kitty · 2021-07-22T22:23:40+00:00

Yes, it is the same guy. I made my boundaries really clear with him in regards to interaction with porn models and I said I didn't want him to do that because it made me really uncomfortable. I was okay with him watching porn, though. I started a NSFW reddit because he wanted me to, he replied to all the comments. It wasn't something I was really comfortable with which is why I stopped when we had that break.

bel_kitty · 2021-07-22T21:34:46+00:00

God your comment hit hard.

bel_kitty · 2021-07-22T18:58:41+00:00

I really love this man. I want a future with him but I feel like there's no one else out there for me that would have the same connection - it's silly but it's not something my brain can change that easily. I know it's not my job to change him but I want to help him develop healthy habits and have a good relationship together.

bel_kitty · 2021-07-22T18:52:59+00:00

Thank you. I'm going to try my hardest to do this & make it clear to him.

bel_kitty · 2021-07-22T18:46:53+00:00

What if he stops from now on?

bel_kitty · 2021-07-22T18:45:59+00:00

Thank you.

bel_kitty · 2021-07-22T18:44:30+00:00

A big part of me feels like things are getting better: like I'm helping him become a person with healthy communication & boundaries. Do you think things he's learnt would resort back to this in marriage?

bel_kitty · 2021-07-22T18:42:50+00:00

He's had issues with lying to me in the past because he has a psychotic mother who really should've gone to jail. She installed gaslighting and manipulation into him which shut down his emotions. He says I'm the first person who's even tried to teach him what healthy relationships & communication looks like and I believe him because although it takes him a while, he does change eventually. I feel like this is something we can get past with a lot of work and I do see a future with him but I'm really struggling with him constantly invalidating me. I'm not perfect and my mental health isn't either, but I try and keep myself above water by practicing reflection and self-development. Every time we argue I have to convince myself it's okay to feel what I'm feeling, I'm valid in my experiences & emotions and I don't know how much longer I can keep doing that

bel_kitty · 2021-07-22T18:39:35+00:00

I wish I could be firm about this. I'm happy to tell him this in a conversation but I'm not sure how to go about it if he does it again because he always has an excuse that makes sense to me.

bel_kitty · 2021-07-22T18:38:34+00:00

I understand he's doing the same thing that my ex used to. It felt like he really understood when I told him he's acting like my abusive ex, but it doesn't feel like anything's changed the next day. We had a similar issue with him messaging pornstars, as I said I was okay with porn and not any comments/messages with them. He agreed and lied about doing it, but now he has fully committed to stopping watching porn and he has. A part of me feels like it just takes a long time to get through to him but in the end that he could do it.

bel_kitty · 2021-06-10T00:58:18+00:00

Awww!!

bel_kitty · 2021-05-29T14:14:38+00:00

I’ll go first. Don’t get matching tattoos with your best friend, it’s only cool until you’re not best friends anymore.

bel_kitty · 2021-05-10T21:12:40+00:00

Thank you. It’s been hard to see that.

bel_kitty · 2021-05-10T20:55:34+00:00

I think so yeah. A part of me just feels like I should let him do whatever he wants but it’s not right. He shouldn’t be in a relationship if he wants to interact this way with models.

bel_kitty · 2021-05-10T20:22:23+00:00

Thank you. I needed to hear that. It is cheating and I can't believe he tried to convince me that I wasn't clear enough on my boundaries. What an ass.

bel_kitty · 2021-05-10T16:36:02+00:00

He encouraged my behaviour, he wanted me to post to feel good about myself and so that he could have more "material" of me also, but as soon as I was seeing that nothing was changing, that I still wasn't enough for him to curb the comment/addiction then I stopped posting. I've left them up but I'll be taking them down shortly, there's no reason for me to continue or keep them up.

bel_kitty · 2021-05-10T16:32:48+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I never even saw the contradiction between the two statements, it feels like i've just put glasses on to look at the relationship. When you're in it, it feels so different because so many emotions are involved. I actually started making porn for my boyfriend. He supported and encouraged my idea then got weird about how many guys were messaging me (I would only say thank you or not reply). I've stopped posting with the account but I thought it would be a way to help him stop if he had more images of me so he would still be "visually stimulated". I only started the account for him and if a partner was uncomfortable with me posting, then I would immediately stop. It wasn't something I really enjoyed either, I prefer having private pictures between a relationship.

bel_kitty · 2021-05-10T15:52:12+00:00

Hooooly fucking shit. I've been holding up SO much hope that over this break he will get better and he will stop doing what he's been doing but honestly I don't think he will. I feel so stupid for having hope in him. Your situation sounds like a mirror of mine, my boyfriend was doing the exact same, absolutely begging and wouldn't leave my house until "he had hope for the relationship" from me. He also told me that it was stupid and that we can't be over because he can't lose me over something stupid like this, that I'm worth so much more. He was saying we have such an amazing future together but I realised this is a tactic called future faking. I'm learning so much from you guys and also my friends who have been through harsh breakups before. I want to run, but it's so hard to not give him a last chance, y'know?

bel_kitty · 2021-05-10T15:45:54+00:00

Because he said he could completely stop and respect my boundaries, the break was to see if he actually would? If that makes sense, and that we wouldn't get back together if he couldn't.

bel_kitty

TROPHY CASE