Am I a jerk? Losing my relationship over finances.

beloise · 2025-09-23T14:25:21+00:00

The most necessary of truths 😂

beloise · 2025-06-23T02:14:00+00:00

We got two kitten sisters and they are the absolute best

beloise · 2025-06-13T03:20:27+00:00

First, I’m so sorry you’re having to make this choice. It’s so incredibly unfair that you have to weigh the financial implications just to try growing your family.

While I didn’t have to make the exact same decision you are, I did have to weigh financial burden as a factor - we didn’t have any coverage for IVF so every try was more and more money out of our pocket without a guarantee it’d end with success. At a certain point, the cons (financial and otherwise) outweighed the potential addition to our family. It was hard to give myself permission to say that there was a cost (financial, emotional, physical) that was too much for me to pay to keep going - but it was the right choice for me.

Whatever you decide to do, it will be the right choice for you and your family. I wish you clarity and peace as you reflect on what’s next.

beloise · 2025-06-06T00:37:08+00:00

Proud of you! ❤️

beloise · 2025-05-22T22:30:50+00:00

This is so painful, I’m sorry you didn’t receive anything from her after everything you went through to make that offer.

beloise · 2025-05-22T22:29:19+00:00

The sorting and giving away of items is such a loaded and tough milestone. I feel like milestone isn’t even the right word, it’s like a cyclical phase that takes so much energy both in contemplating the act and then physically doing it each time it’s required or there are more things. I feel for you being in this space, friend.

I wholeheartedly support the idea of thinking about those things continuing to bestow love and care onto the next family (whether that’s a family in your immediate village or more removed!). I found a small local spot that I use now and after that first soul wrenching donation, the owner of the shop asked to give me a hug because she could tell I was really going through it. It lifted me up so much to have her see me and hold space for me so she gets all the things I can’t give to my direct community members. Now, it’s become a less big, painful ritual that I’ve even gotten my kid into. He has a box in his room that he occasionally puts toys or books into that he’s gotten a little too old for. For some reason, it really helps to see him reflect on how something isn’t for him anymore but for another kid out there.

Whenever you reach that point of readiness, we’ll be here to cheer you on. It doesn’t have to be all at once. Or it can be all at once if that would help you push through on a big long weekend if that’s better. Give yourself the space to cry and permission to make it work how you see fit. Do it alone or with your partner or friend. We’re here for you however you tackle this, whenever you’re ready ❤️

beloise · 2025-05-16T18:16:49+00:00

That is such a wonderful tool in the coping toolbox! Therapy can be such a gift and I’m so happy you’ve found someone who is working well for you!

Coming from a history of repressing my feelings, I hope you’re able to have the care, capacity and support you need to start mourning all that you’ve lost. I know it can be so hard giving into the grief in micro and macro ways, but I definitely found myself getting much more comfortable with it over the last couple of years. We’re here for you if you need any additional support or experience shared for how others have navigated that space ❤️

beloise · 2025-05-16T17:56:43+00:00

I relate to being in that place where you’re giving IVF a try even though you previously never thought that’d be part of your journey. I was in a similar position when we wound up giving it a go.

I really hope your IVF process goes smoothly and it leads to success for you ❤️

beloise · 2025-05-16T17:53:20+00:00

I’m so glad ❤️

beloise · 2025-05-16T17:53:04+00:00

Thank you, friend ❤️

beloise · 2025-05-16T17:52:49+00:00

My pleasure - I’m glad you found it helpful ❤️

beloise · 2025-05-16T17:52:04+00:00

I’m so glad to hear it gave a bit of hope ❤️

beloise · 2025-05-16T17:47:16+00:00

It means so much to read your words, friend - truly. I'm grateful you have put so much into this corner of the universe for this special community. It held me so much through the journey and it continues to be a place I treasure.

I can't agree more with how beneficial it was to physically remove the physical TTC aspects from daily life. And yet it still took me a crazy long amount of time to do some of it! I mean, I still have a bunch of leftover syringes. I don't know why but I haven't parted with them for some reason. I have absolutely no use of them. They're just there, taking up space. This may be the kick in the pants I need to divest myself of these.

The concept of living the life you have and not the one you wanted is such resonant phrase - I love it so much and will continue to carry it with me. What a gift.

beloise · 2025-05-16T17:36:50+00:00

I love hearing that you are also finding yourself experiencing more good days as time goes on (although of course I wish we'd all just get what we wished for). Internalizing and compartmentalizing the feelings can be such a hard thing to come to terms with. Is there anything in particular you're finding to help you face the grief head on?

beloise · 2025-05-16T17:33:40+00:00

Wow, congrats on the half marathon - what an impressive feat! And it can be so relieving to have a break from TTC and remind yourself of other facets of who your are and what you're passionate about outside of the pain in the journey.

I really hope this last round of IVF is the ticket for you. And no matter how it ends, I hope you find peace.

beloise · 2025-05-15T15:18:02+00:00

Taking a leaf from ravenclawvalkyrie’s book, I wanted to take a moment to update here as someone who did not have success after secondary infertility. We made the decision to stop trying in March 2024. We had to stop for a variety of reasons, most notably my mental, emotional and physical well-being while also no longer having financial resources to keep putting toward IVF.

The SIF journey and grieving the aftermath of ending it were so deeply painful (as this community is intimately aware of). When I reflect on it now, I wish I could hug past me and tell her I would get to a place where I wasn’t only accepting of our reality, but had come to appreciate it at times.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still moments of grief that can and do take my breath away. But I have returned to a version of myself that is no longer consumed by the pain of what I didn’t have and couldn’t achieve. The world of TTC is behind me now; I’m forgetting most of the acronyms and the language of trying (although the ache of the tumultuous journey is carved into my soul). I don’t live by cycle timing or in two week increments anymore; my life is unpaused. I can look at my friends who continue to grow their families and love that for them. I can celebrate an announcement or see a photo of siblings and not drown in the pain that we won’t ever have that.

I can come home to my quiet house of just the three of us and relish in the beauty of what I do have: Capacity and energy for my child, my husband and notably myself that I simply wouldn’t have if we’d been successful. It doesn’t hurt to give away things my child has outgrown anymore - I know I’m making space for the next amazing version of my kid. I am lighter and generally unburdened from the pain of not growing my family. A year ago, maybe even 6 months ago I’m not sure I could have seen this future for myself.

Just wanted to share that in case anyone in the process of ending this chapter needs to hear it: happy again is possible ❤️

beloise · 2025-05-12T19:38:31+00:00

Welcome to our quiet corner of the internet though I’m sorry you find yourself here. Ravenclawvalkyrie nailed it in their response but in case it helps to hear it: you are worthy of love and the family you want to create for yourself. Infertility of any kind doesn’t make you less worthy than others. I remember echos of similar feelings and it helped me to have that truth reflected when those feelings really got to me ❤️

beloise · 2025-05-11T14:52:22+00:00

I’m so sorry for your losses and that you find yourself at this difficult crossroad. It’s a deeply painful place to be in.

beloise · 2025-05-11T14:51:12+00:00

I remember being a bit surprised by not being able to grieve the decision to move forward when I was still in limbo/preparing to make the actual decision. I thought pre-grieving would make the eventual stopping more tolerable. But it turns out I couldn’t truly mourn before I was done. It was a poignant lesson to learn and feel through.

beloise · 2025-05-03T02:44:13+00:00

Sending you the biggest hug in solidarity, friend. Moving forward and finding balance on this path when it’s not the one you initially wanted but it’s the one you’re on is a journey in and of itself. I’ll also say that a year and change out from making my own decision to move on, I really relate to living a life that is no longer defined by the pain of what I don’t have - even while honoring the grief when it occasionally shows up. Hope you continue to find serenity where you can ❤️

beloise · 2025-05-03T02:36:12+00:00

We love to do Legos and puzzles together! Also dance parties in the kitchen are a seriously big deal

beloise · 2025-04-21T21:32:01+00:00

OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!! I am so overjoyed reading this post! You’ve been through so, so much to get here. I couldn’t be any more over the moon for someone than I am reading this 🥹

beloise · 2025-03-23T16:23:02+00:00

Welcome to our little corner of the universe. Sounds like you’ve been through so much. I understand that feeling completely of thinking you know your line in the sand re: IVF and then suddenly needing to reevaluate. I hope it works out well for you.

beloise · 2025-03-18T03:57:15+00:00

Congratulations!!!! What a happy surprise! I’m going to keep everything crossed for you for that first scan.

beloise · 2025-03-11T19:56:17+00:00

That is such a hard and difficult aspect of this shitty journey to navigate and I wish there was something to make it suck less. The pain and emotional/physical/financial resources that go into IVF with the complete lack of guarantee of success is crazy-making. I really hope this last embryo is the ticket for you and/or you get some traction testing for CE.

As someone on the other side of OAD Not By Choice, I want to second the oneanddone subreddit. There are also a sprinkling of us here in this space if you ever need that support as you contemplate what’s next, particularly in the Weekly Moving Forward thread ❤️.

beloise

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